1. American Idiot Premiere
Green Day takes aim at a Broadway with this Berkeley Rep premiere musical. I take aim at Off-Off-Off Fresno with my premiere musical American Turd.
2. Dodgers vs. Giants
Will Dodgers get to play spoilers to their hated rivals once again? How many yahoos will still be chanting “Beat L.A.!” long after the Giants have packed for Cancun?
3. Chargers vs. Raiders
Will I survive getting from the parking lot to the stadium? Haven’t been to pro football game in ages. That’s what happens when you have a-hole bureaucrats in charge of bringing professional football to the second biggest market in the country — or not, Los Angeles!
4. Because Asian people turn me on
Actually, their food turns me on. Fortune cookie say: Someone read this, think your honky-ass is prejudice.
5. Hetereo girls outnumber hetereo guys at least 5 to 1
Will I find action in the City of the Pink Triangle (not that there’s-). Seriously, I’ve been in SF before, and when I put the look on a woman there, she always seems to do a double-take. And it’s not because of the large hump on my back. Must be continually frustrating for SF gals to discern who has the eligible penises of the bunch.
6. Noel Coward’s Brief Encounter
The Brits are coming! The Brits are coming! God, I hope they’re funny.
It’s like Gidget and Moon Doggie, but onstage. Or something like that. It’s billed as America’s longest-running musical revue. Jefferson and Franklin rumored to have gone there after signing Declaration of Indie.
8. Meet my oldest friend’s new born boy
And hope I don’t get puked on, or in a battle of who the kid looks like, the mom or pop? Um, the gardener?
Because it wouldn’t be a vacation if I didn’t make fun of something pretentious in a museum. White Canvas with Polka Dots on Wall, anybody?
10. Single guys can’t play Beatles Rock Band by themselves
But they can prolong the summer a little while longer with a vacation to SF — not to mention, taking the time to learn how to play a real f-ing guitar.
* Dude, yeah, that’s a lot of theater, and the question has come up: the answer is NO, I’m not gay. Heteros, I am telling you, lots of good stuff to be had at the theater. You just need to give it a chance and forget the bad Shakespeare Experience you had at 7, when you had to sit through a 4-hour version of Titus Andronicus done in Mandarin accompanied by Steven Seagal on the didgeridoo.