OK, so that’s obvious, how about these ten!
1. Stop twirling your f-ing hair!
2. Stop whining about your boss/ex/father/WHATEVER! Just stop the f-ing whining!
3. A good haircut. Ya know, not the ones I have to look at and totally lie. Like when you go down to the local parlor and get The Aniston, because, well, every other f-ing woman in America got one too! It ain’t sexy! Well, maybe on Jennifer Aniston it is! (After she’s caught the clap from Vince Vaughn.)
4. Be original.
5. I’d say “bring your best friend home with you so I can bang her and you can watch,” but that ain’t too original, so gonna go with “teeth.” All four of them, please.
6. Guys Night out every night of the week. Don’t worry, we’ll “hook back up with you” around midnight, with just enough time left to let you give us a killer BJ and flip on Sportscenter. Don’t forget the Big Gulp.
7. Two breasts and a vagina — so there!
8. Buy us something just once? Yeah, we may make way more cash than you. Way. But that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t appreciate the fine gesture of you buying something for us. Ya know, like a loaf of French bread, or an incense holder, or: I dunno! You’re the romantic, creative species, YOU FIGURE IT OUT!
9. Time. Time to think of WTF I am doing with you, and HTF I can get out of the relationship, preferably with only one text message: Leaving u! u never swallowed.*
10. A break. We’re not always this blatantly sexist. You should catch us on a bad day!
* “Yes, ladies, this is a bad dad. And I’m a bad man. And, yes, it really does come down to this.”