5 Things Guys Want From a Woman

Posted by Mr. Guy February - 24 - 2010 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS


1. Truth

2. Devotion

3. Fun

4. Sex

5. Silence

OK, so that’s obvious, how about these ten!

1. Stop twirling your f-ing hair!

2. Stop whining about your boss/ex/father/WHATEVER! Just stop the f-ing whining!

3. A good haircut. Ya know, not the ones I have to look at and totally lie. Like when you go down to the local parlor and get The Aniston, because, well, every other f-ing woman in America got one too! It ain’t sexy! Well, maybe on Jennifer Aniston it is! (After she’s caught the clap from Vince Vaughn.)

4. Be original.

5. I’d say “bring your best friend home with you so I can bang her and you can watch,” but that ain’t too original, so gonna go with “teeth.” All four of them, please.

6. Guys Night out every night of the week. Don’t worry, we’ll “hook back up with you” around midnight, with just enough time left to let you give us a killer BJ and flip on Sportscenter. Don’t forget the Big Gulp.

7. Two breasts and a vagina — so there!

8. Buy us something just once? Yeah, we may make way more cash than you. Way. But that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t appreciate the fine gesture of you buying something for us. Ya know, like a loaf of French bread, or an incense holder, or: I dunno! You’re the romantic, creative species, YOU FIGURE IT OUT!

9. Time. Time to think of WTF I am doing with you, and HTF I can get out of the relationship, preferably with only one text message: Leaving u! u never swallowed.*

10. A break. We’re not always this blatantly sexist. You should catch us on a bad day!


* “Yes, ladies, this is a bad dad. And I’m a bad man. And, yes, it really does come down to this.”

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10 Ways to Get a Girl

Posted by Mr. Guy February - 23 - 2010 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS


1. Tie her up.

2. Tie her mother up.

3. Promise to dress the part for Danny Zuko Saturday Night Fevers*.

4. Get a f_ing puppy.

5. Money.

6. Sorry, the best things in life ARE NOT FREE, once again, the answer is: M-O-N-E-Y.

7. Buy HER a puppy (but be careful! Someone might beat you out…If you hold the puppy, you hold the power. Never forget this! Put it on your wall if you have to. A license pl8 frame wouldn’t hurt either.)

8. Conversation.

9. If she won’t listen to conversation — mainly about the 48 ways you want to have sex with her — a roofie always works wonders. Then you can do WAY more than 48!

10. Humor her. That, along with money, the roofie, and massive Zukonian skills, usually does the trick.

P.S. Don’t forget to untie your future ex-mother-in-law!


* Yes, that was a compound movie reference above. Consider yourself a genius. Shouldn’t you be getting back to work? WTF?

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Guy’s Top 5 Reasons to Ski

Posted by Mr. Guy December - 16 - 2009 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS


1. What better way to cause PBSD? (Permanent Ball Sack Damage) “Look out below!!”

2. It’s you, it’s nature, it’s you in nature. Get to know it before it’s gone.

3. Exorbitant prices! Outta the way, let me at those $15 dollar cheeseburgers!

4. Skiboot Orgasm Removal at end of day.

5. Because snowboarders are still lost in the quad searching for any sign of class.


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10 Things I Hate About London

Posted by Mr. Guy October - 26 - 2009 - Monday ADD COMMENTS


1. Teeth

Message to England: National Dental Care?

2. Accents

You’re not so on top of everything as you were, say, in the mid-18th century? How ’bout we lose the snobby accent, chaps? The only thing you’ve owned since, are a bunch of old buildings and Boy George – and he even manages to escape from time to time.

3. Food

Something is wrong when the best food comes with the name Pizza Hut.

4. Roads

A whole lifetime spent learning to look left before right and you gotta go f*ck it up for me in one day?

5. Melting Pot of the World

Makes for a very shrewd working population aching to suck you dry for whatever you have. Hep C, anyone?

6. Tourists

Even when I am one. Imagine that. “Oh, look! A tourist taking a picture of a tourist taking a picture of a tourist.”

7. Cheeky Attitude

You can grin and bare it all you like, chaps, but you may not have any more lovely teeth to grind before long. Emotion, anyone?

8. Futbol

Sorry, America will never bend it like anyone. We’re sticking with our Big 3. Britney, Lindsay & any Kardashian to be named in a trade later.

9. Surveillance

George Orwell’s 1984 taken to frightening 21st Century heights. No joke.

10. Weather

Wind, rain, snow, sleet with a good chance of being chilled to the bone.


Yup, talk about your Official Bone Chiller.

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