5 Tips For Hooking Up At The Bar

Posted by Mr. Guy March - 5 - 2010 - Friday 1 COMMENT


1. Don’t sit there all night wishing you could talk to her. Walk across the floor and offer to buy her a B.F.A.B. (Big Fat Ass Beer.) THAT is a f-ing Man. If you can’t do this within 5 minutes of seeing her, just go home, you’re wasting your time. Consult Spank-O-Vision.

2. Be respectful when you’re talking to her. Don’t talk about You. Find out stuff about Her. You know: what kind of shoes and purses she likes best, how many rice cakes she eats in a day, this kind of thing that women thrive off of.

3. If you’re in your “trying to get her to smile at me” mode and she won’t, move the f*ck on. If she’s not opening up, that means, shocker, she’s just not into opening up to you. Don’t let it bring you down, means nothing about you unless YOU allow it to. (Hint: that means: develop some spine/confidence, man!) *

4. Don’t keep drinking at the same watering hole expecting “the one” to walk in the door, then be upset when it’s 1:59 A.M. and she still hasn’t arrived. Move on, go to another joint. You can feel the vibe of a club the moment you happen upon the scene (or no scene). In other words, if it AIN’T HAPPENING, KEEP MOVIN’…And if the movement happens to take you closer to a slice of pizza than the next bar, by all means…

5. Don’t go out to a bar, or anywhere for that matter, “wanting” to hook-up! Say what? I know, I know, we’re ALL going to the bar WANTING to hook-up. But if you can PRETEND you’re not at the bar WANTING to hook-up…Ya know, aren’t your friends work stories hilarious?? Isn’t looking at the ESPN Ticker for the 31st time in the last five minutes fun!? Haha, you’re having a grand old time, and, shocker, it makes her curious: “Ya mean, oh my gosh, he could be happy without my cooch in his face?”

And therein lies the secret to dating, my friends: BE HAPPY! In fact, Don’t Worry, Be Happy. You’ll be amazed at how that simple philosophy attracts more cooch in the face than you ever dreamed of.


“Um, k, I know I dreamed of this moment, but now what?”

* Plenty of tips on this type of thing if you scour the Dating Archive.

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Hey Guy 1

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 25 - 2009 - Saturday ADD COMMENTS

Who ya gonna bang?

I was hanging out at this neighborhood chick’s pad the other night when this other dude showed up. No biggie, but I kinda thought she invited me over for a little action. Wasn’t sure what to do, so I sat there for like five hours, well, mainly listening to her pontificate on her theories of the world. Problem being, he sat there too. And, when we finally did leave, it was together, because she said she was getting tired. Should I have stuck around? How should I play it now?

- Balls to the Walls From Buffalo Baby!

Hey Balls to the Wall!

Buffalo? Whatever. First off, I am guessing she was pretty hot. Otherwise why would TWO dudes sit there for five hours (are you kidding me?!) and listen to her spew about her theories of why fur is murder, and how the average American knows that 911 was a hoax? It was, but that’s another article waiting to be googled.

Number two: You shouldn’t have sat there for five hours. Bad call. It only reinforced your desperation to get laid. If you would’ve made the early exit, sure, you would’ve left the other dude behind, and he MIGHT have gotten laid. But it would be you who laid down the path of mystery. Her thinking, “Um, like, OMG! Was it me? Is it something I did? Why did he not want to hook-up with me? OMG! Is one of my breasts crooked?”

Yup, you would’ve lost the battle, but positioned yourself to kick major ass in the war.

Sometimes it helps to know when to go all “balls to the wall,” and when to go “f*ck off, if you want me to lay you, next time lose the other tool and that rap about fur. Because if it’s one thing I can’t stand, is a woman afraid to get a little blood on a baby seal.”

Hey! It’s worked for me.

Guy Love to Y’all

P.S. How you play it now: Don’t call her. Don’t text her. Don’t email her. Don’t stalk her. The ball(s) is in her court, she’ll let you know if she wants them pounding up against her backboard any time soon.

Read: Hey Guy 2

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