As the country gets revved up for next year’s big presidential elections, it’s your turn to get versed in the politics of clubbing. Because, like every facet of life, even clubbing comes with mazes of bureaucracy to finesse – from snaking past the no-neck bouncer (sorry if that’s you, pal) to getting a drink when the line is six deep.
And, unlike politics, it’s not whether you win or lose that counts, it’s how you play the game. The game that should be played with one goal in mind: to have fun. (And, oh yeah, if you score with the babes, bonus).
1. Game Plan
It happens often. You want to go one place and your friends want to go elsewhere. How to decide which path to take? As the Zen Monk might say: the path of least resistance.
That means, if your posse is hounding you to go somewhere, rather than hold out, and try to argue the point, let it go. Follow their lead. And here’s why: Many times I have had my mind set on a specific club. Because, you know, quite honestly, I thought it was going to be where the most action would be. When I say “action,” I mean: ass. In fact, I was convinced it was where I was going to hook-up with Miss Right Now. But eventually the finagling over where to roam made me not want to go out at all. And by the time I got to wherever we ended up, I wasn’t in the mood to be there. And, if Miss Right was in da house, I am sure she read my body language, and she probably passed me by for another Mr. Right Now.
Funny enough, when I was man enough not to have to “get my way,” I would miraculously meet someone. Probably because I had let go of my agenda and I was just going with the flow. And, if the club they picked sucked ass, there was always time to double-back on my original idea.
2. The Red Vine
Any way you look at it, this one sucks for guys. Trying to get past the no-neck bouncer is harder than trying to come up with an exit plan for Iraq. Obviously, if you’re a hot chick, it’s not hard giving No-neck a little hug, so he thinks you actually want him (for the two seconds it takes him to lift the rope). But if you’re a guy, not gonna work.
The only thing that is going to work is:
A) You come with hot chicks.
B) You get to the club early enough so you don’t have to wait in line.
C) You, like the good politician, get to know the bouncer over time, i.e., Find out his name, shake hands, be polite and patient (not pushy!), find out a few things about him (like what gym he works out at), and let time take care of the rest. When he is ready, and thinks you’re cool enough, he’ll let you know by parting the red (vine) seas and giving you V.I.P. treatment.
Lastly, there’s always the bribe. But this one, like politics, is very tricky. Who can be bought and who can’t? For this one, you want to approach the bouncer very casually. You might try having a bill inconspicuously in your hand and saying something like, almost jokingly, “How ya doing? Are you accepting gifts tonight?” When he says “Huh? WTF??” You say, “Just kidding. I was just trying to see if I could get in a little sooner. No worries.”
He’ll either tell you to get lost (“Back of the line, bud”), or laugh and play along. If he does the latter, you may be able to persuade him over to the darkside.
3. The Drink Line
This one can suck for both sexes. My advice for this one is to think of that Zen Monk dude again. Let it go. Get yourself in place, but do not be pushy or try to pressure the bartender. Just assume the position and stay there with a relaxed, calm smile on your face, especially every time the bartender looks in your direction. When the bartender answers the old Sesame Street adage “one of these dudes is not like the other,” you’re in. Make sure to thank them graciously and tip well, so the next time you come back, you’re treated like the biggest bird in the joint.
And, this is kind of obvious, but if there’s a cocktail waitress floating around, always track her down and go with her service. If the line at the bar is long, she’ll always be a quicker avenue for you getting lit. Same rule applies: smile and tip well. And DO NOT try to hit on her, or the bartender. This immediately puts you in the category of Loser. Do you know how many times a night guys flirt with them and win their affection? Do you know how many times this is successful? Once more, refer back to that trying to find an exit plan from Iraq thing.
4. The Babe Hunt
I saved the best for last. Because, whether we admit it or not, this is the reason we’re at the club in the first place.
Damn, I am going back to that friggin’ Zen Monk dude again. Let the female chi (read: energy) flow to you. If you’re aware of your surroundings, it’s pretty obvious when a girl wants anything to do with you. And it’s pretty obvious when they don’t. What you want to do is throw a little line out. That translates to a small smile in the direction of someone you’d like to meet.
You’ll know the instant you cast out if she’s interested. If she returns it, cool, start reeling in slowly. Don’t just cross the room right there and try to gut her. Once again, too pushy, and desperate (the biggest obstacle to you getting laid). Reeling in anything worthwhile takes time. And, this is the big one, when she doesn’t return your smile, don’t play the ego game and keep going after her. No matter how hot she is: accept and move on.
When you finally do have a catch on the line, it’s all about honesty and humor. F*ck the cheesy lines they teach you at double your dating dot com. These only work with chicks who are drunk enough to puke on you at the end of the night. Approach your girl with honesty first, “Hi, you’ve got a really nice smile and I wanted to know your name.” And then hit her with the self-deprecating humor, “Of course if you’d rather I tie a brick to my leg and jump off a bridge…”
Stop being afraid of rejection! This is what keeps us from being honest and taking chances. Know that rejection only exists in your mind. You create it. Not them. If you feel good about yourself, and trust that, what’s best for you will come your way, you’ll have no problem with putting your ass on the line to meet Miss Right Now.
And, hey, if you do score: PLEASE, no macking in front of everyone. Take the sh*t outside. Trust me, no one wants to see you O-bam-a her in public. And, if she looks like Hillary Clinton, or Rudy Giuliani, we really don’t want to see it!
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