10 Ways to Get a Girl

Posted by Mr. Guy February - 23 - 2010 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS


1. Tie her up.

2. Tie her mother up.

3. Promise to dress the part for Danny Zuko Saturday Night Fevers*.

4. Get a f_ing puppy.

5. Money.

6. Sorry, the best things in life ARE NOT FREE, once again, the answer is: M-O-N-E-Y.

7. Buy HER a puppy (but be careful! Someone might beat you out…If you hold the puppy, you hold the power. Never forget this! Put it on your wall if you have to. A license pl8 frame wouldn’t hurt either.)

8. Conversation.

9. If she won’t listen to conversation — mainly about the 48 ways you want to have sex with her — a roofie always works wonders. Then you can do WAY more than 48!

10. Humor her. That, along with money, the roofie, and massive Zukonian skills, usually does the trick.

P.S. Don’t forget to untie your future ex-mother-in-law!


* Yes, that was a compound movie reference above. Consider yourself a genius. Shouldn’t you be getting back to work? WTF?

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10 Annoying Things Girls Do

Posted by Mr. Guy October - 30 - 2009 - Friday 1 COMMENT

1. Talk

OK, that’s kind of harsh, but when 85% of the shite that comes out of your mouth is all bitch-trashing guys, then we say: shut it. Guys are NOT the reason your life is f’d up. That’s just the excuse.

2. Twirling Your Hair

OK, maybe when you were six this was cutesy. But you’re 29 now and the pigtails have to go. “Yes, daddy.”

3. Cuddle Time

Can we not just give you the Two-Minute Warning Boot, say, well, two minutes after orgasm? Rather than lie around for forty-five minutes, missing valuable Sportscenter time, pretending it isn’t really what you think it is: simply a case of hooking up. Hint: it is!

4. Shop

How many shoes does one Princess possibly need? OK, stop right there Imelda. It’s fine if we happen to be watching sports with the guys, go for it, go shopping. Much rather have you do that than explain what happens when someone “hits a homerun” in the end zone again.

5. Pretend they know sports

This goes doubly to you Linda Cohn (the Great Pretender). Just go shopping, already. Make some chicken soup. Something!

6. High Maintenance Prep Time

You already HAVE a date, there’s no need to put all the layers on when going out with him to try and attract ANOTHER date. Well, maybe there is (see No. 3).

7. Belly Shirts

Are these still in fashion? Apparently for BFOSMs* they are. FYI: We want to throw up on your tummy.

8. Cleavage

It ain’t the cleavage we’re peeved about it, it’s the WAY you look at us when we look at the cleavage you have so expertly prepared to go out in — like we shouldn’t be looking. Guess what? Cover that shit up if you don’t want us perving on it!

9. Faking it

Please, if we wanted a stripper/hooker, we would have paid for one instead of buying you that $150 dinner. We’d like a little intimacy, and not the feeling you’re working on the railroad pounding nails all the live long day. Slow it down, honey! We are NOT on the clock.

10. Whine about how it’s a man’s world

OK, shocker: it is! But if you sit and wank about it all day, and a take a pole-dancing class to “empower” you, how far do you think that’ll get you but a crappy column in a blog post?

*Big Fat Overweight Soccer Moms


“I think I can. I think I can…”

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10 Things I Love About Amsterdam

Posted by Mr. Guy October - 27 - 2009 - Tuesday 2 COMMENTS

1. Bikes

Bike Capital of the World: 750,000 people, 600,000 bikes. Imagine the f-ing spokes! (BTW, the Dutch are the tallest people in the world.)

2. Dutch Women

She’s taller than you, dude, and she doesn’t give a shit what kind of car you drive. (American girls, take note!) She’s also seriously beautiful.

3. Outdoor Cafes

You need somewhere to sit to watch all the hotties on bikes go by! “Bi-cycle! Bi-cycle!”

4. Canals

Something deeply romantic about a canal. Get yourself a tall Dutch woman and a Heineken and you’re good to sing some Celine Dion — in Dutch, with subtitles!

5. Locals

When unlocals get lost (often!), the locals will always be there to give it their best shot. (And for 50 Euro…j/k)

6. Bacon

70% of the world’s bacon comes from Holland. Give me a “P”!

7. Museums

Per capita, the most museums of any city! Yes, even Sex & Weed Museums. “Wait, what museum were we going to again? And can we have sex there?”

8. Coffee Houses

Hint: Don’t let the word “coffee” fool you. When Howard Schultz figures this one out, he shall rule the free world.*

9. Parks

You’re going to need somewhere to trip, right? Where you don’t have to worry about Mr. Ranger bumming your scene out. (Because, most likely, Mr. Ranger is high, Boo-boo.)

10. Red Light District

Worth seeing, for the novelty, but only as a slight diversion (and the house “fucky-sucky,” if you’re into that kind of thing).

*The oldest coffeehouse is called Mellow Yellow (est. 1975), and it sits on a corner next to a school. The kids file by at recess, sweet, pungent smoke in the air. Big line at the ice cream shop next door. “Chocolate-Kush swirl, anyone?”

“I’ll take three!”

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