OK, that’s kind of harsh, but when 85% of the shite that comes out of your mouth is all bitch-trashing guys, then we say: shut it. Guys are NOT the reason your life is f’d up. That’s just the excuse.
2. Twirling Your Hair
OK, maybe when you were six this was cutesy. But you’re 29 now and the pigtails have to go. “Yes, daddy.”
3. Cuddle Time
Can we not just give you the Two-Minute Warning Boot, say, well, two minutes after orgasm? Rather than lie around for forty-five minutes, missing valuable Sportscenter time, pretending it isn’t really what you think it is: simply a case of hooking up. Hint: it is!
How many shoes does one Princess possibly need? OK, stop right there Imelda. It’s fine if we happen to be watching sports with the guys, go for it, go shopping. Much rather have you do that than explain what happens when someone “hits a homerun” in the end zone again.
5. Pretend they know sports
This goes doubly to you Linda Cohn (the Great Pretender). Just go shopping, already. Make some chicken soup. Something!
6. High Maintenance Prep Time
You already HAVE a date, there’s no need to put all the layers on when going out with him to try and attract ANOTHER date. Well, maybe there is (see No. 3).
7. Belly Shirts
Are these still in fashion? Apparently for BFOSMs* they are. FYI: We want to throw up on your tummy.
It ain’t the cleavage we’re peeved about it, it’s the WAY you look at us when we look at the cleavage you have so expertly prepared to go out in — like we shouldn’t be looking. Guess what? Cover that shit up if you don’t want us perving on it!
9. Faking it
Please, if we wanted a stripper/hooker, we would have paid for one instead of buying you that $150 dinner. We’d like a little intimacy, and not the feeling you’re working on the railroad pounding nails all the live long day. Slow it down, honey! We are NOT on the clock.
10. Whine about how it’s a man’s world
OK, shocker: it is! But if you sit and wank about it all day, and a take a pole-dancing class to “empower” you, how far do you think that’ll get you but a crappy column in a blog post?
*Big Fat Overweight Soccer Moms
“I think I can. I think I can…”