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QUESTION: Dear Randy, How do you go about asking a girl to trim her va-va for you? ANSWER: Heck, we’re glad you asked. And especially glad you just didn’t reverse swivel and ask me personally. Who needs that? So, do continue to email me, or twitter me, for future communication. That way, you still have a job with us, and we let you bring us pizza on Fridays (btw, Dominos sucks ass, no mas on it, OK? Got the memo? Good.) Now, on to your question. Many-a-times we been down there a-fishin’ and, lo and behold, can’t find what we’re supposed to be fishin’ for. It’s like we’re lost in a giant kelp bed, 20,000 leagues under the sea, no way out. Well, OK, ladies, maybe it’s not that bad. A little exaggeration on our part never hurt, did it? Guys need to know this kind of shit, in case it should come up. In case, one of them gets your panties around your ankles (if you’re still lady-like enough to wear panties) and out sprouts the entire Brazilian rain forest. True, Al Gore would sprout major wood, but to us: total shocker, second date killer! Just sayin’. Enough with you ladies. It’s your turn guys, to learn about their forests: 1. DO NOT bring up the trimmage topic while having sex. This is a fast way to a short blow job. 2. After the sweat clears and you’ve given her plenty of CuddleTime (4 min. max suggested), casually lean back in bed and start flossing with one of her pubes. The one that’s still stuck between your two front teeth. Sure, she’ll think you’re Captain Obvious, but maybe she’ll get the obvious hint and do her rightful duty as the girl you plan on f*cking. You might also try throwing in this line as an aside: “You know, in economic times like this, who needs to buy dental floss?” 3. Go straight at the prize. Tell her, in that deviously sexy, Brad Pitt way of yours, that you want to shave her pubes for her. Initially, she’ll probably be shocked, or mock-shocked, but then she’ll think about it and realize the amazing potential of the intimacy involved in an act like that. This fantasy will quickly be erased when she hears you fire up the chainsaw in the other room. Hint: Make sure you have locked the windows. 4. If you’re looking to be really obnoxious, start mock-choking when you’re lying in bed together watching Colbert, or Robot Chicken. She’ll be in the mood to laugh along with you (only so far!), and start feeling so guilty she may jump up right there and do it on the spot. If that’s the case, make sure to give Spot a cookie when she returns. 5. This one is pretty important: Make sure your ‘nads, and surrounding areas, are trimmed so you are “practicing,” not “preaching.” Everyone hates the preachers these days. And loves the p*ssy. I wonder why that is… - Randy Guy * |
