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I once hooked up with an actress/professional lap dancer. Just as I was stepping up to the plate from behind, she looks over her shoulder and says, “Oh yeah, did I tell you?” I’m standing there wondering what bomb she was about to drop next, as there had been several leading up to it. “No. Tell me what?” “I’ve never had an orgasm with a man before.” Oh! No fucking pressure. A 26-year-old who had never had an orgasm with a man before. Hmm. Did I want to be her hero? I clearly didn’t. And, at the end of the tumble, she hugs me really tight and says: “I think I had one.” Hint: If you think you had one, you didn’t have one. It’s been reported that 12% of women never orgasm, and 75% can’t orgasm during intercourse. So, for those of you who wish to be heroes, here’s a few tips for opening the floodgates. 1. Be sensitive and patient to her needs Note: If you know she isn’t a keeper, skip this entirely. If you think she has ‘po, then you’re going to take your time to get to know her more intimately. And, intimate here doesn’t mean a finger up her bum while your balls are dangling on her chin. It means taking the time to get to know her deepest, darkest emotions and secrets. Chances are, she’s blocked for a specific reason, or reasons combined. Examples: strict religious upbringing, prior sexual abuse, or the belief she should be dating Bon Jovi and not you. 2. Did we mention patience? I was dating another woman who had been sexually assaulted as a young girl. (Boy, that was a fun relationship!) Every time we went into the act, she looked at me like she was searching the police lineup for her perp. She never did find him, but after several weeks I finally cracked the code. And it went like this: 33-56-lots of p*ssy-eating, maybe a half hour’s worth. Trust me, my tongue didn’t work for a week after, but it did the job, and I never looked back. I just rode off into the sunset hoping I had set a precedent for her. Okay, so she was crushed. Do you think a Super P*ssy Eating Hero has time to worry about that? 3. The bone ain’t necessarily it You gotta figure out other ways, my man. Like the above example. Okay, so you can’t figure out why she doesn’t get off as easy as you while you’re giving her the high-hard. Because it ain’t about that for her! It’s about the magic button called the clitoris. Paging the clitoris, paging the clitoris. Which is not to say you can’t be giving her the high-hard while simultaneously stimulating the clitoris. Try lying her on her side and approaching it from behind. Great reach. And very intimate position. Remember the whisper in the ear part. Also, and I know this is a novel concept, but let’s not forget the little practiced art of foreplay. It’s all about the warm-up, bro. 4. Hall of Shame This goes back to No. 1 on our list. Many people have tremendous shame and guilt re: S-E-X. Your job is to help her break through the inhibitions to the wonderful land of ga-ga-gasm. Glass of wine might help. Some X? Putting on some Bon Jovi music? In short, stop giving love a bad name, start making it less about you and more about her. Trust me, once you help her over her hump, she’ll be raring to give you whatever it is you want. May we suggest the balls on the chin? They’ll be so ready for it. “We don’t consider them gutter balls at all, boys.” * Sex Tips 1 |
