How to Get More Dates

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 15 - 2009 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS
Hey, guys, last time in How to Get More Dates we covered the two questions:

1) Where am I going? and…

2) Who is going with me?

And how, if you ask those questions in reverse order, you’re basically moving into Being Whipped For Eternity territory. We also told you about the Party Goddess and how she said getting girls is all about confidence.So how do we develop this confidence?

To begin with, we try to focus entirely on the “Where am I going question?” Forget the second question, for now. It will reveal its answer in its own time. FYI: Do you know how much energy guys waste in the name of p*ssy every day? Too much. Energy that could be better expended working on our own games.

That’s the Catch-22: Take focus off the No. 2 question, invest the energy back into yourself, and, in time, the No. 2 question will be easy to fill, because you’ll have taken the necessary time to become, what the Party Goddess desires, CONFIDENT.

Here’s 3 Quick Tips on How to Improve Your Game & Confidence

1. Make yourself a smarter person.

That means, yes, sigh, you’ll probably have to read. One Sunday with the NY Times will improve your brain performance immensely. A year later, you’re a friggin’ genius bedding art majors. If the NYT isn’t your bag, no worries, find something else to read, and not just something with pictures!

2. And more girth to your game.

We’re not talking penis extensions (although they wouldn’t hurt). We’re talking about adding some dimension to your game, as in: being a well-rounded person. Yes, the reading will help, but we also mean…

Yes, sigh, you’re going to have to get off the couch on the weekends and take up a new hobby. You know what works well here? Guitar. And not that cheesy plastic thing you masturbate with while playing Guitar Hero 2. HINT: That will never get you laid.

Three chords on a REAL guitar and you’re on your way to a “sensitive” designation. And you know how the gals like sensitive.

But learning to play guitar isn’t the only solution. What is it you’ve always wanted to do? Yes, YOU! Mountain climb? Sail? Cook? Foreign languages? Get to it, and once you’ve completed one pursuit, and developed some sense of mastery, move on to the next. It will help you build your self-esteem.

3. Get in shape.

A really cool, and easy-to-follow diet is going to be revealed for the first time in this column. It’s called the “Eat Less, Exercise More” diet. And, low and behold, it actually works, over time.

That means forget about all the quick-fix diets, and what have you. That shit has one design: to take your money.

Remember this: anything, ANYTHING, worthwhile in life takes time. And effort. And passion. That includes everything from your bank account to the woman you dream of.

You can start now, or run around like a chicken with your head cut off forever — and you know how many women like headless chickens.

Morale of the story: Grow your game, and you’ll grow your chicks. How to Get More Dates 1

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Straight Up with Lamar Odom

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 14 - 2009 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS

Ray Guy caught up with Lamar Odom at a Laker practice, after Ray was kicked off the court by the Laker’s PR girl. He claims he sunk about 73% of his shots before that. BTW, Do layups count?


TGR: What’s the greatest challenge being a Laker?


LO: Triangle offense. It’s a real intricate offense. It has a lot of substance to it. There’s no play. We don’t call plays.


TGR: Just flow.



LO: Yeah, and every pass can lead to a different option. And can almost lead to a different set. So with every pass I make I can do something different. Some games you might get twenty shots and in an offensive games you might get nine shots.


TGR: So, it looks confined, but it’s really freeing you up once you learn it?


LO: Definitely. It looks confined. But what I like about it is that everybody can play, every position is equal. Like you don’t have to be a center. You can push a point-guard with a center. Push a center with a point-guard play. Everyone is interchangeable. I think that it’s a pass first offense. There’s just a lot to learn, it’s real deep.


TGR: Is it frustrating to you?


LO: Not really. I don’t let not scoring, or not taking a lot of shots frustrate me. As far as my basketball game is concerned, I’m a basketball player, not a scorer, you know. I try to play the whole game. I think it’s just going to make me a better player in the long run. As far as IQ. If you can learn this offense you can play for anybody.


TGR Do you get sick of the whole drama-watch, the soap opera crap that goes on with the Lakers?


LO: That’s only if you really pay attention to it. You got to understand where you’re at, in the market, as far as media coverage is concerned. You can figure it’s also a blessing. I mean, if you play for the Lakers everyone in Japan probably knows you. Your game is probably on in Europe. We get local coverage, national coverage, a lot of coverage. You got to understand the market you’re in. It’s just one of those things.


TGR: What is the difference between putting on a Lakers’ jersey, or putting on a Clippers’ jersey or a Heat jersey or a Rhode Island jersey? Is there a mystique that you feel about it?


LO: There’s definitely a difference. The Lakers got fourteen championships altogether. So, you know how Boston is always good, and yet there’s a difference between the Red Sox and the Yankees. To me the Lakers are like the Yankees of basketball.


TGR: But with a nicer owner.


LO: Yeah, with a really cool owner. Great fan support. The only difference is when you go away, you go to a lot of places, and you see a lot of purple and gold in the crowd. Just like the Yankees. When they go and play in Anaheim, you can see those pinstripes in the crowd. I say it’s really good, because they’ve had a great tradition for a long time.


TGR: What’s the best thing about being Kobe Bryant’s teammate?


LO: The open looks that I get. You know, he demands so much attention.
We get a bunch of television games. You know what I’m saying? That’s because of him. You could feed off the energy. When we walk into a game, he has a great following. So his followers becomes your followers.


TGR: Has Coach brought any unorthodox methods to the table recently?


LO: We meditated one time, that was really different. He talked us through it. I never did that before. One thing I’ve learned in my seven years: is the mind can take you places where the body can’t. And then take your body with it, because that’s how strong it is.


TGR: So, after you meditated, what was the feeling?


LO: It was like a laid back type of thing. And after that we had practice. We really had a good practice. So I imagine we’ll probably do more of that.


TGR: Any other interesting things he’s doing with you?


LO: You know, everybody’s approach is different. He doesn’t yell a lot. People might think he might yell. He’s real laid back. Easy going. But he definitely gets his point across.


TGR: However he has to, right?


LO: Yup. He’s sarcastic. He’s really sarcastic. He picks on the rookies the most.


TGR: What would he be if he wasn’t a coach?


LO: He’d probably have his own talk show, like, what’s my man’s name…Bill Maher. I can see him being like that, having a talk show like that. He knows a little about everything, he’s really smart and intelligent dude.


TGR: You said there’s an extra advantage of putting on a Laker jersey, but is there also, with that Laker cape, an added pressure? Different than say, Miami or a Clipper.


LO: There’s pressure being a Yankee, right? I think pressure is what we thrive on, people that really love to compete.


TGR: What former Laker commands the most respect?


LO: Magic. But, you know, I’m from New York so Kareem is obviously the best center of all time. He scored the most points in basketball history. I don’t know if anybody is ever gonna catch him. LeBron has a chance because he’s so young. But he’s got a lot of scoring to do. But it’s great having Kareem around. Telling you the things that he sees.


TGR: What has he taught you specifically?


LO: You got to be patient. He tells me, all the time, it’s not about scoring. You know, this team just needs somebody to lead them. I just try to stay focused and keep my poise on the court so I can help lead the guys. With Magic, same thing. He’s always around. He has a lot of experience. Especially with me handling the ball, he’s pulling me to the side telling me things I should do running the break, try to get everybody involved.


TGR: What’s the Lakers greatest fear?


LO: Simple: losing, man. Some teams, if they just make the playoffs, they get a pat on the back, saying: “you gonna get ‘em next time.


TGR: Are the Lakers still the world’s favorite team?


LO: I would say it’s a race between the Lakers and the Yankees. The Yankees might be one up, because if you go to Italy and try to get a baseball cap, the Yankee cap is like everywhere. It’s part of fashion. The Lakers are right there, the Cowboys.


TGR: So the Lakers have to get back on top?


LO: Yeah. I mean, winning is important. You need to win to be successful on the court. And everything follows along with it.

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Interview with a Pornstar 1

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 14 - 2009 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS
dtl_cid_girl TGR: So did you ever think when you were a little girl, this is where you’d be? In porn?

K: Oh, god, no.

TGR: What’s the first time it ever crossed your mind?

K. Oh my god. The first time?

TGR: Yes.

K: I think everybody thinks about it in the back of their minds, to a certain extent. Everybody always kind of wonders what it would be like. But I can’t say exactly when was the first time, because I’m a horny girl and I’ve been watching porn forever.

TGR: Since you were how old?

K: I have no idea…maybe like, fifteen.

TGR: Okay, go on.

K: It was never that far off to me. Like I don’t think I shocked too many people.

TGR: What about your family? Did you shock them?

K: Oh, yeah. My mom just found it.

TGR: Recently?

K: Yes.
TGR: And how long have you been doing it?

K: I’ve been doing it for, like, a little after I got married, like, five months. And I wanted to wait until I was doing something really nice, or a feature. She knows that my husband does it, so she probably knew that I was gonna do it. But I wanted to wait until I was doing something nice and pretty. And somebody walks into her work with a movie called Who’s Your Daddy? And she shows her the box and says: ‘Does this girl look familiar to you?’

TGR: Wait, wait. You were on the box of Who’s Your Daddy?

K: Yeah.

TGR: And someone at her work brought it into her? Is this a true story?

K: (sounding bummed just remembering it). Yes.

TGR: So mom called you right away…

K: Mom called me and…

TGR: How long did it take her to call you?

K: Oh, God, I don’t know. Like the next day. And they gave her a copy of it. And she was like: ‘I don’t want to watch this.’ So her friends watched it…

RC: And you were doing daddy?

K: No! My husband.

TGR: Played the daddy role?

K: Yes.

TGR: Okay.

K: It’s not even like that. It’s like, you know… (In man’s tone) Who’s your daddy? (Answering in little girl tone, which she does much better): Yeah, daddy, I like it like that.

Or whatever. It’s not really like playing your father.

TGR: What’s your pay?

K: Mine’s kind of higher than, I guess, a lot of girls. For a boy/girl, $1200, for girl/girl, $800. Most people get six for a girl/girl.

TGR: And that’s a day?

K: That’s a scene.

TGR: How many days a week do you work?

K: I don’t like to work more than once a week. Because I’m just trying to take it slow right now and build up a name – and not to get shot out real quick. Because I only work with my husband.

TGR: You won’t work with other guys?

K: I don’t want to.

TGR: How about women?

K: Oh, yeah, I work with other girls. I just don’t want to work with any other men.

TGR: Because you don’t have any desire to? Or you think it might mess up your relationship?

K: I don’t have any desire to. And I don’t want to take the chance of it fucking our relationship up. Which I don’t think it would, anyway, because we have a very, very strong relationship. If, some day, it came up, and I wanted to do it, I don’t think it would be something he would hold me back from. Like, he wants me to experience everything. It’s just not something I’m into.

TGR: Do you guys experiment outside of the film world?

K: What do you mean? Do we hook-up with other chicks?

TGR: Yeah, exactly.

K: I hook-up with tons of other chicks.

TGR: Is he involved?

K: He sometimes videotapes it.

TGR: Wait. How many chicks do you hook up with?

K: Tons of them.

TGR: Really?

K: Yeah.

TGR: How old are you?

K: 23.

TGR: And how many girls have you been with?

K: I can’t count that high.

TGR: Give me like an average. Over 50?

K: No. I started hooking up with girls when I came out to California.

TGR: You see what California does to people?

K: Well, no, because I always wanted to, but girls were afraid of me. Like, back East, it’s not normal.

TGR: Come on, Massachusetts doesn’t have gay women?

K: Yeah, but that’s gay women. I don’t like gay women…

TGR: Okay.

K: …like butch-dykes.

TGR: What is the pleasure-factor in being with a woman?

K: I just think chicks are hot. And it’s not really a threat for my husband. I think it kind of just like makes you horny and makes you want to go home and f*ck your man. At the end of the day, a girl still needs a little dick.

TGR: A little dick or a big dick?

K: (realizes her faux-pas and laughs) A big dick. I think the girls kinda make you horny so you can go home and jump your man’s c*ck. That’s just how I feel.

TGR: So you do chicks as an aphrodisiac?

K: Oh, totally.

TGR: Do you have any specialties?

K: Ahhhh, I don’t think so. I haven’t been in here too long.

TGR: Would you like to have a specialty one day?

K: Yeah. To be the hottest chick ever.

TGR: That’s what you want to be?

K: Yeah.

TGR: And what are your limits?

K: Um, I don’t have too many limits.

TGR: Donkeys?

K: I draw the line at donkeys.

TGR: Okay, good.

K: But like, my anal, I’m going to hold out for a little while.

TGR: You haven’t had anal yet?

K: Um, not on film.

TGR: So why are you holding out?

K: Because you gotta keep something, to have longevity in your career. Like, if you just give everything up the first year…and when you do you’re gonna get shot out and no one is going to want to see anything anymore. We’ve already seen that, why am I going to pay to see it again? Same thing. When, you know, if you hold out on your anal, you can get more in the end.

TGR: No pun intended.

K: Yeah.

TGR: Where did you pick up that philosophy?

K: All my girlfriends basically. I was blessed to come into the industry with a lot of people who have a lot of knowledge about the porn industry, who’ve been in it for a while. They’re just very intelligent people, and have that longevity in their career, when they’ve been in it like for five years and they still work all the time.

TGR: And do you have like a time plan on when you’re going to give the anal up?

K: I don’t really have a time plan, just whenever it’s right. Probably like around the end of my career somewhere.

TGR: How old will you be when that happens?

K: I have no idea.

TGR: You don’t have plans for that?

K: I don’t know. Because it depends on how well my career is going. If my career’s not going so well, and I think I want to get out of it, and I want do something else…

TGR: Like?

K: I don’t know. Whatever I may want to do. Have kids, be a housewife (she laughs).

TGR: Okay.

K: Do make-up/hair, because that’s what I did before I came into the industry.

And, you know, I’ll do it then [anal], make a little extra cash. You know, for a little cushion. Then I’ll do something else. But for now, it seems to be going really well, and I don’t want to think about it, because I don’t want to jinx it or anything.

TGR: I hear ya.

K: I want to let it roll.

Read Part 2 of our Interview with a Pornstar.

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History of Bikinis

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 14 - 2009 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS
It’s pretty obvious what kind of women wear bikinis: the hot ones. And it doesn’t matter what their suits are made from – nylon, cotton, string, vinyl, macramé, fur, mink, rubber, leaves, seaweed, or tampon string – because we’ll hang on the titillation of what lies just underneath, regardless. A kind of, existential foreplay. Existential, in that most bikini babes would have a hard time explaining how they affect us – as they’re happy just to know they do: SCHWING! But before you go running wild this summer, trying to tear off any bikini that will have you, best you know a little about the history of where they came from first.
300 A.D. Mural found in an Italian villa displays two dozen frolicking bathing nymphs wearing two-piece bathing suits with green or red strapless bra tops and hip-hugging bottoms. Hugh Hefner not alive to throw them in a mansion. 1945. Paris. While running his mother’s lingerie business, trying to find a name for a newly developed swimsuit, Louis Réard, an automotive engineer by trade, coins the name “bikini” after the U.S. Army tests a nuclear bomb in the Bikini Atoll on the Marshall Islands. Major explosion when Reard has nude dancer Micheline Bernardini strut down a Paris catwalk in one. After photos hit the press, Bernardini is besieged with 50,000 fan letters. (The art of stalking is born.)
The fall-out: several Catholic countries, including Spain, Portugal and Italy, ban the bikini altogether. Decency leagues in America begin putting pressure on Hollywood to keep them out of the movies. A writer of the time, says: “A two-piece bathing suit reveals everything about the girl except her mother’s maiden name.” And who the hell wants to know that? 1951. Beauty pageants worldwide ban the bikini. Preferred choice of dress: body armor. 1956. The French film And God Created Women features actress Brigitte Bardot in a bikini. It ignites a major market for swimsuits abroad. Hollywood gets in on the act by offering 3D glasses to see it. Unfortunately, The Attack of the Killer Boobies isn’t on the double feature bill.
1957. Modern Girl magazine tries to quell the bikini uprising by saying: “It’s hardly necessary to waste words over the so-called bikini, since it is inconceivable that any girl with tact and decency would ever wear such a thing.” That same year, the song “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini” sends all those “tactful” girls rushing to buy one.
1963. Ex-Mousketeer Annette Funicello joins the bikini parade in the movie Beach Party. The film leads to six sequels, including How to Stuff a Wild Bikini. Note: Somewhere, a future Beverly Hills Plastic Surgeon is smiling. 1964. European designer Rudi Gernreich develops the mono-kini (topless) and it provokes the Vatican to denounce all things “bikini.” Homosexual priests are still OK!
1964. Sports Illustrated – trying to find an attention-grabber between the Superbowl and baseball season – puts model Babette March on the cover in a bikini. Over night, a number one sport, and magazine, is born.
1964. Raquel Welch gets all “sporty” in One Million Years B.C. Over night, young men begin spending more QT in bathroom. 1970’s. Tanga suits, AKA the thong, are unveiled on the beaches of Brazil. Note: Somewhere, a homosexual priest is caught wearing one. 1988. Four years after his death, Louis Reard’s company goes under. May he RIP in Bikini Heaven.
80’s-early 90’s. Bikini sales plummet, dropping to less than a third of the women’s swimsuit market. You see what Reagan did?! Mid 90’s. MTV pumps up the flesh volume by displaying hordes of teens shaking their assets at Spring Break. CPR to the bikini is also delivered by Baywatch, which spreads its message of warmth, IQ, Pamela’s boobs, and skyrocketing bikini sales to every shore. And there is nothing existential about that. Or this…

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Lakers Towel Man

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 1 - 2009 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS
Los Angeles Lakers employee Carlos Maples has seen a lot in his 22 seasons with the team. Maples started out as a Laker ball boy at the age of 13, and graduated to assistant equipment manager twelve years ago.Towel Fact:

CM: We go through at least 250 towels a game. We use a brand new towel for every player for every timeout. So if a towel touches a player’s hand, that’s it, it’s done. We don’t recycle towels here.

Very Superstitious:

CM: On games days, I go back to my old neighborhood, Ladera Heights. I get a haircut, shoot the breeze with the guys at the barber shop, ya know, barbershop talk. I love getting my hair cut on game days. It’s just my thing. It’s been my thing forever. And I love taking my one special route when I get back get to the Staples Center, I’m superstitious like that.


CM: I have this thing with rookies, I feel it’s my job to school them. Since I’ve been here so long. So, for a rookie, they need to key to my rules. This is my locker room, my rules…No. 1, rookies need to bring out towels for everybody at halftime. Anything that needs to be done really quick. Like ‘Hey, get a bottle of water.’ If my guys are busy, you ask a rookie to do it. Rookies, as Coach Phil likes to call them, are ‘lower than pond scum.’

Best Tip:

CM: It was about $300. From Horace Grant. We used to have some pretty generous guys back here in the day. Magic Johnson used to take care of me all the time. Kobe’s very generous as well. It’s not always financial. They’re very generous with giving us tickets. We used to get tickets all the time, but the times have changed. Dr. Jerry Buss was very generous with tickets for about eighteen years. But the last few years he hasn’t been able to give us any. So it’s kind of nice when the guys take care of us.

Fave Five (maybe eight):

CM: I’ve been blessed here with an organization that just really gets good guys. Anthony Peeler was a really good guy. Doug Christie, Nick Van Exel, Eddie Jones, Luke Walton’s a good friend. Brian Cook was a good friend. Horace Grant was really great. Robert Horry, the list goes on and on.

Cheapest Tippers:

CM: Oh wow…Some guys just don’t know. Over the years, times have changed. A lot of these guys have been pampered the whole way up, versus, back in the day. When I started, guys used to carry their own stuff. Nowadays, they don’t carry anything. They just get off the plane, get off the bus, they don’t carry anything. They can barely carry a basketball to the floor.

Pimp Daddy:

CM: Over the years, some visiting players wanted my guys to go into the stands for a number or two. Our players are used to seeing beautiful women, so we don’t get requests like that from them. Plus, most of them have girlfriends who are watching their every move from the stands.

Funny Man:

CM: Last season it was Ronny Turiaf. He just brought life to the room. When we wore the short shorts in Boston, he came in and looked at the shorts and pulled them up to his waist and said, ‘Are you serious?’ Then he proceeded to pull them way up, like a nerd would. I was crying, it was the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time. But Shaq was by far the biggest jokester in the history of the Lakers. He’s wrestled with the ball boys. And he threw me in a laundry basket for talking back.

The Big Oops:

CM: One day I was really ill. I had food poisoning. And I came in in the morning, and tried to get the locker room all set up. That night, I’m at home sick, and, on the air, Stu Lantz says: ‘We’d like to wish Carlos a get well soon. And, by the way, Carlos, Shaq doesn’t have two left feet.’ I had left him two left shoes by mistake.

Road to the Championship:

CM: I just gotta make sure the guys have everything they need. And, I always tell everybody, we’re partially like a shrink, because you have to be there when times are good, and when times are bad. You are pretty much part of the team, whether or not people like to think of us like that or not.


Recommended reading:

Lamar Odom on meditating and Kobe
Luke Walton on trouble w/his bros and paint ball
Ask NBA Ref Bennett Salvatore

Join The Guy Report at Twitter

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