Sensual Sushi

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 21 - 2009 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS

Name the most exotic place you’ve eaten sushi at. Now think about adding a naked model and eating the raw goods off her bare midriff and you’d have exotic to the umpteenth power, a delectable feast fit for a king. Such is the art of Body Sushi.

The custom first originated in Japan — where it is known as nyotaimori — and legend has the idea springing from the first prime minister of Japan. But nowadays the tradition is largely associated with the yakuza and prostitution.

Enter American chef Gary Arabia who “borrowed” nyotaimori in the late ‘90s and called it Body Sushi. It quickly became a media sensation in the states and put Arabia’s chef’s hat on the map. He has since has catered events across the country, and as far away as Asia. His company charges a bare minimum of $5,000, just to get the conversation going, and they have topped out in the area of $80,000.

“But it’s not stupid money,” says Arabia.

Which translates into: you’re not throwing your cash away. You’re paying for the privilege of a “sensual culinary performance piece.”

Arabia says he is very particular who he creates his foodart for, and that he has turned down several bachelor parties because he thinks of Body Sushi as exotic, not erotic.

Like any creative master, Arabia is always taking risks in an effort to hatch the next big idea. A few years ago, through the process of Body Sushi, Arabia’s Body Chocolate was born. But sorry, boys, no touching, or licking cocoa off the models. Instead, the beauties are bathed (read: dyed) in chocolate and basically stand guard over the chocolate fountains.

Arabian’s models most be able to lie still for up to two and a half hours at a time, and they are handpicked from employees who already work at Arabian’s Global Cuisine in West Hollywood, i.e., actresses and models waiting for their big break.

The question is: will a producer be able to recognize the model’s talent when they’re busy staring at a fuzzy navel?

“Let’s see Willy Wonka make this, bitches.”

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Sex Tips 13

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 21 - 2009 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS

Question: Hey Randy, can you tell me if it’s ok to have my girl gang-banged by a few of my friends? She’s always talking about her rape fantasies, so I figure, what’s the harm, right? LOL.

- Charlie from St. Louie

Answer: She must be a keeper, huh, Charlie? Or, you must. When you say “a few,” are we talking three? Or the whole soccer team? If your answer is:

A) Three, I would say, sure, go for it. What does she have to lose? Odds are, she may get a penis, or three, bigger than yours. What’s the harm, right? (LOL.) Only that she might leave your ass for one of them.

If your answer is:

B) The whole soccer team, well now, here’s where you’re getting into issues which could turn legal, as in: illegal. As in rape, and being written about on an episode of Law and Order.

Sure, she might HAVE rape fantasies, but that doesn’t mean she wants to act them out! When has a woman ever meant what she said or said what she meant? You silly goose!

Honestly, here’s what we say AND mean: it’s probably not the best idea if you’re still planning on graduating from the city college and making a living at the Home Depot and getting married and having kids with her one day and trying to explain to them how you’re not sure if it was the left wing or the goalie who knocked mommy up.

Hope you get your kicks, kid

Randy Guy


“I punctured her boobies! I punctured her boobies!”

Send Randy your question to randyATtheguyreport.com

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The Secret Code of Women

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 20 - 2009 - Monday 1 COMMENT

Hey Guy Gang,

It’s Randy Guy here, speaking for myself, and my main man, Little Kippy. We took a field trip to the mall this weekend in attempt to overhear, and break, the Almighty Chick Code. WTF is that?

You know what it is. You’ve heard it a hundred times. Whenever two of them walk by you. You’re just not sure what all the bitching and moaning was about. Well, we got really, really close to the action, and we will now share it with you. Basically, this is what it’s all about :

When she says: Oh, my god, he’s such a blah, blah, blah, blah…

What she really means is: Oh my gawd, I can’t believe I let him give me a facial.

When she says: You know, he said he was gonna call and blah, blah, blah, blah…

What she really means is: Because, I would, like, totally hang up on him if he did. And he’s not getting his pearl necklace back.

When she says: All men are pigs and blah, blah, blah, blah…

What she really means is: Mainly the ones that don’t call her back. Which includes, basically, all of them.

When she says: He promised me he would blah, blah, blah, blah…

What she really means is: She swallowed on the first date and she regrets the hell out of it.

When she says: He’s so selfish, he would never blah, blah, blah, blah…

What she really means is: He refused to kiss her after she swallowed.

Yes, guys, there is so much to be learned from a day at the mall. You should try it some time. And, please, send us the code. One more thing: Don’t let the blah, blah bring you down. At some point, someone’s gonna invent a mute button for it.

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Candice Michelle RAW

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 20 - 2009 - Monday ADD COMMENTS

1. Sorry guys, Candice Michelle is a taken woman. So you’ll have to get your kicks with her recent Playboy spread (Hint: There’s also a certain movie out there…)

CM: I go to the chiropractor about twice a week. Whenever I’m in town. It’s my husband. And I think fate brought us together.

2. NO, she didn’t hookup with him because she knew she would need a chiropractor while being a member of the RAW team.

CM: We’ve been together seven-and-a-half years. And we’re about to have our year anniversary.

3. But, come on, you say, who really needs a chiropractor when they’re associated with fake wrestling?

CM: On a scale of one to ten, I would say RAW is an 8 (for reality). The story is choreographed, but when I take a closeline, I’m landing on my back. And that mat is only a half an inch thick. Don’t think when we get hit it’s not real. And believe me, the blood is all real. My biggest problem is I keep forgetting to ‘tuck the neck.’ I think I have permanent whiplash because of it.

4. So one would think Miss Go Daddy likes things, okay: sex, rough. We give her the one through ten scale again.

CM: I’d say a 6 or 7. But I don’t want to come home every time and have it be wham- bam-thank you-ma’am. Sometimes I want to be touched and sweet-talked and have a really passionate evening. There are also times I don’t mind a little hair pulling.

5. Does she make it a habit of wrestling men?

CM: Not besides my husband. But he doesn’t like it when I practice my wrestling moves on him. Though, I make it up to him. I would like to pin Shaq. I don’t think my wrestling moves would do it, but I could use sex appeal to pin him. I have other assets that would slam him. He’s one of my favorite basketball players.

6. Candice talks major smack when it comes to her hoop game and says she will accept any challenge (are you listening Shaq?).

CM: My ball handling is really great. I’ll go behind the back on you and do a 360. And I have a pretty shot.

7. And if you want to know what her signature move is on the mat, it’s not actually on the mat, per se…

CM: It’s called “Candylicious,” and I’m on the top rope and I slip down the side of the rope…

8. We interrupt to ask if it’s something a stripper might do.

CM: Everything I do is kind of stripper-ish…And then I have my opponents head grasped between my legs and I try to choke her out.

9. You want know which RAW wrestler Candice has in her choke sights?

CM: Trish Stratus. She’s been the world champ for over a year. It’s time for a new champ to come on in. And I really want to get that belt around my waist.

10. So why not ask the script gods to help her out?

CM: Usually the scripts are decided by the fans. Wrestlers either come in as “Heels” or “Babyfaces.” I’m a Heel, and I love it. I get to be down-and-dirty and nasty and cheap.

11. Speaking of cheap. In the Go Daddy commercial, one of the judges says definitively: “Those are not real.”

CM: I hate these guys who come up to women acting like retards, thinking they have such big balls, and ask if they’re real. You’re pretty fucking stupid to ask me that question. So, I say, “Yeah, they’re real…expensive.” It’s usually so obvious.

12. And what kind of character study did she have to do for her part as a stripper in the movie Tom Kat?

CM: I have never been a stripper. But I’m pretty good in the sex kitten role. And I have a canopy bed at home. You can do a lot of swinging from poles on a canopy bed.

13. How many guys hit on her a day?

CM: Not as many as you would think. A lot of them are too nervous. At the gym, I put my headphones on and that sends out a message. But, come up to me at the cardio machine with a good conversation or don’t waste my time, punkass.

14. Okay, she’s married, but everyone has fantasies.

CM: I like men who are confident, and tall, dark and handsome. I usually don’t get the tall. But two out of three isn’t bad.

15. RAW locker room fantasies?

CM: I’m there for a reason and a purpose: to win the belt. I’m not there to make friends with them. Anytime you get 12 girls in a locker room everybody is not going to be best friends.

16. Candice’s most effective weapons in the ring?

CM: My character has a steel wand, I like to call my magic stick. And, no, it doesn’t vibrate. But I’ll have to check into that. I also have great assets to distract the refs with.

17. So, men and their fetish of “Daddy’s Girl…”

CM: Anybody wants to be that girl’s daddy. You want to be the one person they just salivate over and you’re their big daddy.

18. If she says so. What about favorite chick flicks?

CM: Dirty Dancing or Grease. I can sing the whole soundtrack. “Summer Lovin’” is my favorite.

19. Guys have to be wondering what’s up with the hot babe and little ugly dog fetish that’s going around.

CM: I think the Paris Hilton thing took it to the next level. I have two cute little guys. And it’s like being able to carry your best friend around with you.

20. It must feel good to have a bod like that and use it for good in the world.

CM: Sex sells, I’m not prejudiced against it. Seriously. You go and watch a hot flick and you put someone like Angelina Jolie in it, it’s going to be better because she’s smoking hot. Same thing with wrestling. If you put two hot girls in the ring… It’s part of our society, and nothing to be ashamed about.

21. And her feeling about the F.C.C. and S-E-X?

CM: If I could change something about society, it would be the rules and regulations of the F.C.C. We had to submit 13 different commercials before getting the Godaddy commercial approved for the Super Bowl. The 14th finally got approved. But it’s not at all like the one on the web.

22. And when they make the movie of Candice’s life, who is going to play her?

CM: Angelina Jolie or Carmen Electra. It’ll be called “RAW Sex, Go Daddy!”

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Hottie of the Month

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 20 - 2009 - Monday ADD COMMENTS

Who is she?

She’s Penelope Cruz, dumbass, I thought we already established that.

Job description

Looking hot. Oh, sure, she also does a little something called “acting.” But mainly her acting is just standing around and looking hot.

Why we like her

Perfect mix of “looking hot” to go along with vulnerability. No cold Catherine-Zeta Jones here.

What’s she doing now?

Dude, she’s kissing (worst actress) Scarlett Johannson in the new Woody Allen film.

Well, that’s one reason to see it. Actually, with the way Allen’s been making films lately, that’s the only reason to see it. And after one look at the trailer, we can only say: use your imagination. Here’s some technical support:

“You feel deeply for me, I know.”

“This is some tough acting.”

“Back rub anyone?”

“I’m ready for my close-up now, Mr. Allen.”

Allen: Can we get a fluffer on the set? Immediately!

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Hottie of the Week Ana Ivanovic

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 20 - 2009 - Monday ADD COMMENTS

Who is she: Ana Ivanovic, tennis playa.

From: Serbia

Age: 20

Tour ranking: Current No. 1, and French Open champ.

Specialty: Looking cute and smacking balls hard. All right, she’s known as an “offensive baseliner” — without the grunts. And she also throws a mean (read: cute) fist pump after every point won.

Currently: On display at the U.S. Open, and here:

“Think you could return some of this?”

“I got legs, I know how to use them…”

“Where’s a cabana boy when you need one?”

“I’m ready for my bedtime story, Mr. Wolf.”

And the results are in. :(

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Lingerie Bowl Hottie of the Week 1

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 20 - 2009 - Monday ADD COMMENTS

(Above photo: Jim Plush)

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Nickname: Persian Barbie

Age: 26

Hometown: Santa Monica, CA.

Favorite team: Oakland RAIDERS

Position: RB & Defensive Lineman

Signature play? Stomping Bitches out with my speed & size!


(photo: John Garcia)

Turn-ons? Athletic Guys, Sincerity, Sense of Humor

Turn-offs? Liars, Poor Hygiene, & too much hair in the wrong places!!

Favorite pet? Bunny!

Beer or wine? Beer, keg stands, to be exact.

Vodka or Tequila? Vodka. Tequila makes me crazy. I gave that up years ago.

Fav movies? True Romance & the Closer

Fav music? Jay-z, John Mayer, Alicia Keys.

Do you watch porn? Do home made videos of myself count? Those are the best!!….. (ha ha…. j/k… sorta…)


(photo: Alex Arias)

How do guys work? Lets be honest here. I love guys & everything, I love everything about them… but they’re ALL LIARS, they love to lie, it gives them a sense of freedom. Most of them are cheaters, and almost all of them are insecure about something.

But I do know, when they love you, its real & it comes from the right place, they just have such a hard time being that way & maintaining a “cool” image. That’s why it’s important to have a man who is in touch with his character & not afraid to be a real man.

Anything that confuses you about guys? Yes. The ones who cheat always go about it the wrong way. In my opinion, if you’re gonna cheat it should be because you’re not sexually satisfied at home, or you’re being tempted with a temporary upgrade (hotter girl). But what I’ve found, the “other girl” is never hotter, never cooler, & never smarter than the main girl.

Fav thing about guys? Everything! I love everything about guys! The way they smell, the way they talk, the way they walk, their swagger, the way they feel, their voices…Everything… I friggin’ love men!

Do you like a guy to kiss you on the first date? Only if the chemistry is right & I want him…. then hell yeah! Grab me & kiss me!!

Is he a pussy if he doesn’t try? Yes. I’m not gonna lie.

You know the moment you see a man if you’re attracted, don’t you? Yes! I love that. It’s rare for me though.. Its hard for me to find a guy I’m really attracted to. But when I do meet one, I know right away… from the first second we look at each other. This is rare for me, but once I find a guy I’m really attracted to I turn into a nymphomaniac. It’s kind of a problem.

Who are you going to vote for and why? Obama, because he would be the people’s president who knows how to have diplomatic relations without patronizing smaller nations…


“Can’t we all get along?”

(photo: Danny De La Cruz)

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Niki in Lingerie Party Video 1
Niki in Lingerie Party Video 2
Lingerie Hottie of the Week 2
Lingerie Hottie of the Week 3
Niki’s myspace

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Lingerie Bowl Hottie of the Week 3

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 20 - 2009 - Monday ADD COMMENTS

What’s not to like about a QB who is strong enough to make her own passes? Assume the position and let her do the rest.

Age: 27

Favorite team: San Diego Chargers

Position on L.A. Temptation: Quarterback

Signature play: Going Deep


“Come on, who wouldn’t want to go deep with me?”

Turn-ons Men that are confident, and intelligent with a good sense of humor. Men that are laid back but know the appropriate time to be serious. Success is very sexy. Plus you need to know how to please a woman. I would be lying if I said sex is not important. I need a man that can keep up with me.

Turn-offs Arrogance and overconfidence. Guys that think a wallet can replace personality. Judgmental people drive me insane!! You wouldn’t believe how many men say that there is no way I can throw a football. The look on their faces when I challenge them and win? Fucking priceless.


“You’ve just been punk’d by a girl in lingerie.”

Favorite pet Men…. Well women too, I don’t discriminate.

Beer or wine Depends, I love a nice bottle of wine but when it comes to Sundays it’s all about the beer.

Vodka or Tequila Tequila!!!!!

Fav movies Something about Mary. Franks and beans!!!!!!!!!!

Explain how you think guys work Half the time they think with their dicks, the other half they talk about their dicks.


“But, really, who can blame them?”

Anything that confuses you about guys Why is it that men that sleep around are held in high esteem but when a girl does it she is branded a slut?

Fav thing about guys Mixed among the vast majority of jerks out there are a few good guys out there that deserve to be laid.

Least fav thing about guys How many times do you have to tell a guy to slow the fuck down and relax!!! To simply enjoy the present and not get too worked up about the future.

Do you like a guy to kiss you on the first date Depends, I would much rather have a guy be respectful and kiss me only if I initiate contact.

Is he a pussy if he doesn’t try Not at all, it’s refreshing to see a guy trying not to steal home on the first date.


“Because on the second date, I might dress up as a pirate.”

You know the moment you see a man if you’re attracted, don’t you On a physical level, yes. But many times a guy has been able to win me over with his personality and charm.

Are guys vocal enough about their needs in bed The confident ones are.

What could they improve on? Pointers please You know that alphabet thing? It works.


“Repeat along with me: A, B, C, D, E, F, G…”

What’s an acceptable way to break up with you Give it to me straight and don’t drag it out for forever. Sure I may be upset but it’s not the end of the world.

How do you ultimately want to be treated by a guy I would hope he would love me unconditionally and treat me as if I was the most important thing in his life even if I wasn’t.


“Because I’m feeling pretty important right about now. Need a tissue, boys?”

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Joey in Lingerie Party Video 1
Joey in Lingerie Party Video 2
Joey’s Space
Lingerie Hottie of the Week 1
Lingerie Hottie of the Week 2

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Mad Men Hottie of the Week

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 20 - 2009 - Monday ADD COMMENTS

Name: Peyton List*

Age: 22

Who she is: Secretary Jane from Mad Men who character Roger Sterling is in love/lust with, i.e., the younger woman he dumped his wife for.

Previously: A Ford model who studied with the American Ballet School and started her acting career on the soap As The World Turns.

We’re mad for: Beautiful face, intelligence, and that “sex kitten” thing smoldering under the surface of her character.

Hobbies: Gummi bears, driving older men crazy.


“Read my lips: No casting couch involved.”

*If this is her real name, it needs changing. If it’s a showbiz name, whoever changed it is whacked.

More: Hotties of the Week

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James Bond Hottie of the Week

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 20 - 2009 - Monday ADD COMMENTS

Who is she: Olga Kurylenko

What is she: New eye candy for Bond film Quantum of Solace.

“Come on, do I really need to act, Mr. Director?”

“They’re real, if you’re wondering.”

“Please don’t touch the hair. I do have a special place between my legs for you.”

“Brrr, I’m cold.”

“Wasn’t that fun? Millions of men masturbating over you?”

“So, cum already. And don’t forget to watch my movie!”

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