“Mr. Vick, you have visitors, sir.”
Ok, not gonna give this the “biggest bong hit ever,” but will still give it a pretty big thumbs up. Dude looks a little silly after it though, doesn’t he?
Gonna be real short here. I am going to throw out a book title each week. Why? Because I think you want to work on your game. Your business game. Your dating game. Your soul game. Why wouldn’t you want to improve? And it doesn’t matter how old you are. It’s never too late to start reaching for your potential. Do you have any idea what your potential is? I do. It’s way beyond what you think it is. I’m here to help you reach higher.
Book: Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man
411: If there was one book I would recommend to someone based solely on the subheader “being a man,” this would be it.
In his short time, Rod Blago (post below) has given Rove a ride for his money, but Rove wins hands down for causing so much irreparable damage. And now the truth comes out (shocker). Shame on you, Karl. A thousand hemorrhoids up your tight, white ass!
What kind of warped whore must Fabio be to appear with Blago? Wait. What kind of double-warped whore must Blago be? Not to be too harsh, but the world would be a wee bit better if both of these clowns were put to sleep — forever, swimming with the fishes.
A quick rundown on my favorite subjects. Click on their name to read article. Drumroll, please.
10. Eric Gagne
Original Magazine: Men’s Edge
Setting: Dodger Stadium. Dugout. Opening week 2004.
Liked: Getting into a discussion of “The Zone” with Gagne, and him telling me under his breath not to start the interview until his teammates cleared our vicinity. He was afraid they would give him shit for being interviewed, yet again.
Quote: “Wait’ll these fuckers pass.” Me: “You mean, those fuckers right there?”
Original Magazine: ESPN Magazine
Setting: Staples Center. 2007-2008 Season
Liked: His humbleness. Admitted the reason he was forced to play in Italy in the beginning of the 2007 season was because he partied too much. Also liked his candor about how he needed to stop drinking in order to truly focus on his job. Note to Melo.
Quote: “Anyone who said they expected this of him is crazy.” George Karl on Carter’s play with Nuggets.
P.S. Article never got published because the editor was worried that I made up my comments about Carter’s option of selling drugs and robbing people or playing ball in A.C.’s hometown of ATL. Like most editors, overworked and unwilling to go the extra inch.
8. Derek Lowe
Original Magazine: Men’s Edge
Setting: Telephone interview.
Liked: How D. Lowe wasn’t afraid to mix it up with a few nicely placed curse words and impressions.
Quote: “This generation of players is completely different. They understand kind of what happened before. But I think the majority of players don’t really care.”
P.S. Later ran into him at a Laker game
and tried to introduce myself but he was totally faced and surrounded by women grabbing for his loins. I decided not to compete with them in the Loin Grab Comp.
Original Magazine: Men’s Edge
Setting: Telephone interview.
Liked: Really personable guy for being such an ass-kicker. Taught me how to ruin someone in a street fight with elbows and knees — oh my!
Quote: “Everybody picks on the seventh graders. This ninth grade kid decided I was the guy he was gonna pick on and he started harassing me at lunch hour. I hit him with a double-egg and put him on the ground and punched him in the face about five times. Nobody ever really picked on me after that.”
P.S. If you haven’t seen his performance in Red Belt, you definitely should, great fight movie. Get it here:
6. Lamar Odom
Original Magazine: ESPN
Setting: Lakers’ practice facility in El Segundo.
Liked: Having to maneuver my recorder from one side to the other as L.O. got his beard trimmed in a back room by one of his posse members. Felt good to finally get L.O. and his posse members to crack a smile with my Kobe Bryant impression. I asked Lamar what Kobe said to him when he raised his jersey over his mouth: “Hey Lamar! Pass me the fucking ball, man!”
Quote: On why it’s good to have Kobe as a teammate: “The open looks that I get. You know, he demands so much attention. We get a bunch of television games. You know what I’m saying? That’s because of him. You could feed off the energy. When we walk into a game, he has a great following. So his followers becomes your followers.”
P.S. Once again, nixed by ESPN Magazine. However, later an excerpt appeared on the ESPN Magazine blog.
5. Elton Brand
Original Magazine: ESPN, Los Angeles Magazine, L.A. Times
Setting: Santa Barbara, Los Angeles
Liked: That I was interviewing “The Horse” at the old city college where I had dropped out of my first, and only, journalism class after one week. The teacher was a prick. He locked the door at 8 sharp. My hangovers hadn’t cleared up by that time. Also liked how available EB was when I was the Clipper Blogger for the L.A. Times. (Got fired b/c the Times’ Weasel NBA Editor wanted to be my best friend and I refused his lonely-ass advances and he made up some shit about how my speling and grammer sucked.)
Quote: “Kaman has the biggest entourage on the team. He has five friends that are down with him, in his crib.”
P.S. Elton later asked me if I wanted to run his film company. Had a bunch of meetings and emails with him. Ended when I told him politely that the idea he wanted me to turn into an award-winning screenplay was just not going to happen. It was THAT bad. And I was THAT close to being a full-fledged posse member. Aw, shucks, ma!
4. Luke Walton
Original Magazine: Some forgettable named assholian magazine that still hasn’t paid me. You’re on notice, pal!
Setting: Telephone interview.
Liked: Walton needed hardly any prompting at all. Took the rock and ran with it up and down the court with glee. When I was at Laker camp later in the year, remembered who I was — and didn’t have any women grabbing for his loins.
Quote: “My dad can walk through a garden and name out every single plant. The first thing he does every morning is a walk off his yard. He checks out all the plants and yells at the gardeners.”
P.S. Work on your J, Luke!
3. Barry Zito
Original Magazine: Men’s Edge
Setting: Telephone interview.
Liked: Going all Self-Help with Mr. Zito. Should be an example to all athletes. Unfortunately, he’s not. Read any books lately Manny?
Quote: “It taught me the power of the mind, and how powerful words and thoughts can be. Everywhere we go, people tell us how hard life is and how we have to struggle. It’s up to you if you want to focus on that.”
P.S. Also once wrote a piece on Barry going on surf trips with Brent Mayne & Ryan Klesko (the worst interviewee ever).
2. Brett Favre
Original Magazine: Heartland USA
Setting: Telephone interview. Fahvera on the Farm.
Liked: That Favre wasn’t doing any lengthy interviews at the time and I got 45 minutes. How he just took charge of the entire interview/huddle and just spilled his guts. Having my ESPN Mag editor telling me he wished I’d done it for them. Well, duh!
Quote: On the possibility of Something About Mary 2, “I hope they don’t call me.”
P.S. This interview was stretched out over the years and enabled me to buy many, many Cup O’ Noodles. (This version is just a small excerpt.)
1. Gerry Lopez
Original Magazine: Water
Setting: Phone interview.
Liked: Speaking to one of my few teenage-years heroes, as I idolized his smooth, soulful surfing style while growing up on the California sand.
Quote: “It’s always easier to ride the horse (or wave) in the direction it’s going.”
P.S. A freelancer’s bread and butter is being able to resell his article (sometimes in different forms) after a certain grace period with the original magazine. When it came time to do that with this article, Lopez, through his contact, said he wanted half the money for the next magazine. Suddenly my hero wasn’t my hero any longer. Sucks to grow up!
So many bimbo fingers around I thought someone should start a photo journal! If you see any, make sure to send them my way please. This is art, people.
“This finger is about the only thing I’ve had to eat for days!”
“I like my hot dogs rare, sailor.”
“I used to be a dumb blonde.”
“Forget my face. I have a finger and I know how to use it.”
“This finger-in-the-mouth-camouflage-thing will never let on that I have a huge Terradactyl penis.”
If you like the sensitive singer-songwriter, look no further than those below. Click on the iTunes link under listed songs to locate particular artist.
Tom Freund
A little bit like Tom Waits, yet with a much more pleasing voice and not as many kinky instrumentals. OK, he dresses like Tom Waits, therefore the comparisons. Has the best song about John Lennon ever, sorry Elton. In fact, his whole album Collapsible Plans is built off a Lennon riff. Wondering if he got a care package from Yoko. Or maybe sent Yoko the entire album, which is truly listenable.
3 Songs:
Collapsible Plans - Collapsible Plans
Why Wyoming - Collapsible Plans
Copper Moon - Collapsible Plans
Joe Henry
Has the smokiest voice you’ll hear this decade. But not smoky in a raspy-been-in-rehab-one-too-many-times way. Smoky in a worldwide weariness set off against a sea of changing times and declining dreams. Not sure you’ll find a song that fits our current economic struggle, and as beautifully written, as Our Song. Opening lyrics:
I saw Willie Mays
At a Scottsdale Home Depot
Looking at garage door springs
At the far end of the 14th row
3 Songs:
Our Song - Civilians
Civil War - Civilians
Mean Flower - Scar
David Ford
A poor man’s Damien Rice, to be sure. And you may even be more moved by Ford’s music! That’s right, someone has been using his tunes in the name of therapy, inherent with a biting tone of blame that leaves no one unscathed. If you have a chance to see him tour, jump on the bus, as he creates eclectic tapestries (with the courtesy of loops) that are sure to leave the sweat dripping off your brow, and pain resonating in your heart.
3 Songs:
I’m Alright Now - Songs For The Road
Katie - I Sincerely Apologise for All the Trouble I’ve Caused
I Don’t Care What You Call Me - I Sincerely Apologise for All the Trouble I’ve Caused
