Oh yippee, a film version of Sex in the City. Speaking for men everywhere (except the gay writers/producers/directors of the movie/series itself), wake us when it’s over. We wouldn’t go to this POS if our girlfriend promised to line us up a three-way with her bestfriend. Well, OK, in that case, we might.

Mark S. Allen of the CW Television Network (intern, mailroom division) calls it “The best date movie of the summer!”

Who the f*ck are you kidding, dude? Maybe the best date movie for BFF, or GFF, gay friends forever, but not hetero men, no possible way.

Why do we despise SITC that much?

Let’s start with the actresses (AKA cardboard cutouts) who dried on the vine long ago. Can you say: WAY PAST THEIR PRIME?

And it has nothing to do with age, so don’t break out any of that Feminazi ageism crap. Well, OK, it has a lot to do with age. We just said it did. So we won’t deny it any longer: Darwin was right, and we’d much rather knock-up Gisele Bundchen than Sarah Jessica Parker. And we definitely don’t want to listen to SJP whine about it after the fact! Speaking of whining…

We’re also tired of the incessant bitching-and-moaning-and-lamenting about men on the show. And then, to witness the male twits the casting directors marched through the series door? N-O. We are not those men, ladies, nor will we ever be. Because those men actually put up with your…

Um, time-out. This is as good a time as any. Girls, do you want to know what our biggest problem is with you? It’s the DRAMA. We just weren’t built that way. But we digress…

Yes, we know it’s a “chick flick” and we’re free to watch anything else. And, frankly, we will. But we still have to hear about those four skanks, and see them on billboards, and, yes, have dreams we’ll one day end up with women just like them! Can you say: Nightmare?

When salacious pop culture informs a young woman’s life more than college, haven’t the terrorists won?

And now these young women are growing up, weaned on too many seasons of SITC, and they expect men to live up to the myth of some faux knight-in-shining-armor named “Big.”

Yeah, yeah, we know it’s what everyone woman desires. But it’s not always size that counts, ya know? And, also, we don’t have fancy Hollywood scriptwriters for the sh*t that comes out of our mouths, OK? So give us a little break. Get real.

And, NO, we’re not bitter (even those of us with small penises). That’s your job, girls. Something else the show reinforces: membership in the Bitter Woman’s Club. All the past men that have done you harm, insulted your intelligence, tried to hump you on the first date, blah, blah, blah.

Perhaps it’s time for you to examine the negative psychological effects a TV SHOW has had on you, so we can all get back to dating-as-usual: the guy rules, and you’re happy to just be riding shotgun.

Otherwise, you run the risk of, forever, taking home the second place trophy.

Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to get back to our Grand Theft Auto IV. Too bad the creators didn’t add Sarah Jessica Parker to the cast of Liberty City.