Does anyone have any idea where the term “horsepower” came from?

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Cars. And more cars. And, will we ever get enough cars? Wait. Honestly: Will cars be our eventual downfall? As they get bigger and bigger (we’re all driving custom Winnebago’s soon, baby, especially now that gas is way down!), will our desperate need for oil send us into worse situations than we’re in now? (Good Morning, Iraqqqqqq!)

Hey, I won’t dwell on it, but it’s all connected. Guys and cars, and guys and wars. Probably not enough guys getting laid, is my guess. And, oh yeah, BTW, if you’re one of the guys who wears the “Freedom Isn’t Free” t-shirt, you’re definitely not getting laid. And can you please invade (and, then, move to) Canada? Now? Thanks.

As for the rest of you blokes, what the hell is it about a car that makes us so infatuated? Makes us spend so much time under the hood, and tricking it out and pouring so much friggin’ money into it? I ask you…

Is a car a false sense of security?

Shit, I just sounded like that twat Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City. But still, we do derive power from our cars, don’t we?

I’ll tell you, put a guy behind the wheel, and it’s like he has his superhero cape on: Mr. Aggression. Get him out from behind the wheel, and many times, he’s the Wizard of Oz: a little man trying to act big.

I honestly have never tried to act big in my car (well, not that I remember, and definitely not when I was sober). I never have really done anything with my car except drive it from point A to point B, crashed it a couple of times, and received a few blow jobs along the way.

Most classic time was when the big BJ was going down, and Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight” was playing on the radio, with its lyrics: I can feel it coming in the air tonight…She didn’t even blink. Nor swallow, but I digress.

You are now witnessing the full de-evolution of this little, whatever it is, rant, into a bad romance novel, thereby losing my train of thought. I have no clue what I was writing about. A writer must always leave his breadcrumbs!

Oh! Right! Hemp! I wanted to write about hemp. And how it’s time to stop worrying about the horsepower, and start worrying about the Hemp Power! Well, not hemp necessarily, even though the hippies all believe it’ll be our savior, but other forms of alternative energy, now called ET (thanks to Thomas Friedman). So we’re no longer dependent on the Middle East. Because, ya know, it hasn’t been working out too well over there.

Speaking of the Middle East…They definitely don’t get laid enough.

My point is: When we begin to implement alternative energy, er, ET, into our economy, it means less time spent fighting wars, and paying exorbitant oil bills, and more time spent concentrating on our home front. And that includes putting even more focus on our ladies (those who don’t act like the twats from Sex in the City).

Because, whether you want to believe it or not: It’s the ladies who you customize your car for, in the same way you dress to impress. I’m being honest here: Everything we do in our lives revolves around trying to score the Big P. And we’d get a lot more action if we expend less energy trying to dominate the world, and more time trying to figure out how to feed the second love of our lives, the automobile, with something other than “horsepower.” So, yeah, giddy-up, motherf*ckers! Support ET!

History Lesson:

The term horsepower was coined by Scottish engineer James Watt. Watt, who was credited with inventing the steam engine, came up with a way to compare the work done by horses to the work that could be done by the steam engine. All in the name of the sale. Apparently the marketing ploy worked. Those poor horses.

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Recommended reading: Racer with a Cause