Brush Fires Take Down Dopers.

Speaking of Dopers, Here's Willie!

Hey, Mom! I'm Famous! I'm Famous! As the NYC Subway Masturbator.

Someone Needs to Put on a Bra.

Clippers Ship Sunk -- Billy Crystal Sent Home Crying.

Drunk Driver -- Times 18 the Legal Limit. Ah, Those Crazy Lithuanians!

Beware Illnois Myspacers -- Big Teacher Is Watching.

Thou Shalt Not Poop -- So the Congregation Can Hear it.

The Joy of the Internet, and 14-year-old Boys From Nigeria Who Can Rob us Because of it.

Saddam Hussein: Evildoer, Novelist. Ain't Japan Lucky?

Hugo Chavez: El Paranoia.

U.S. Gov Sued by XXX Peeps.

Doubleheaders of Game 7's Promise to Bring Fans to the NBA.

Photo of the Week:

The Sexiest Guys You Have Seen in a G-String This Week.

Ooops! I Did it Again!

When Bruins Attack!

Punk Passes out in Wrong Joint.

Pants You Don't Want to See Your Mom in.

Another Controversial Scientologist Has Alien Baby.

Democrats Prefer Electing No One Than This Psycho Babbler.

Ah, What Would the Church Say About these Soccer Gals?

No Cop Job For You, Mr. Gay Scarf Guy.

A Scare Gull Ain't Gonna Work in this Town, Doc.

Brokeback Cowboys, Head on Down to Georgia.

First Survivor, Not Headed to Georgia, but He'll Likely Find His Bitch Where He's Going.

Pete Doherty -- Again.

Another Dukie Bites the Dust?

Colorado Prof About to be Cut From Team? Second Choice: a Haircut?

McCa and Mills Splitsville.

NBA Playoffs Multiple-choice Test.

Photo of the Week:

A Flower Guys Can Definitely Relate to.

Together, they Weigh as Much as a Rice Cake.

Bush Measures Up How Fat His Head Has Gotten.

Thief Runs into Child-proof Dragnet.

Bono's Next Single: Nobel Peace Prize?

Student's (my)Space Raises Ire of Teacher.

Girls Gone Hazing.

Guys: Having Dating Probs? Might Try Feng Shui. Or Madam Cleo Hotline.

Guy Meets Bull, Bull Smokes Ciggie Afterwards.

Guy Orders the Special Bull Enema.

Guy Finally Gets Bullish

Greenpeace Activist Should Be Objecting to Something Else: Her Cottage Cheese.

The Cos Jiggles More than the Jello Pudding, Again.

Santa Cruz Wipes-out in Battle of Surf City.

Photo of the Week:

Risky B'Ness: Attracting a Mate for Men.

Boxing Great Goes to Big Ring in the Sky.

Go Figure, Stoner Forgets Something Kinda Major

COPS!

COPS II!

More Jackasses.

Dean Flip-Flops on the Gay Thang.

Time to Leave Verizon, ATT, and Bell South Now!

Once Upon a Time He Dressed So Fine...Then He Fell Out of a Tree.

Mr. iPod Seen His Best Days?

Yikes! Cruise's Numbers Slipping to Bush Levels.

Africa: Where the Hookers Make Roosters Crow Inside Your Chest.

Never Doubt a Child's Instincts. Never!

B of A Robber Decided that Kiddie Pancakes Would be His Best Escape Route.

German Guy Not Only Fails at Killing Himself, but He Has to Pay for Train Damage.

Adelwhiner Finally Banished by Kings.

Cannibal Lecter Gets Life -- With Possibility of Several Cell Mates that Would Taste Great, Some Who Would Be Less Filling.

In Honor of Paul Simon's New Album, Christ Decides to Sing: "I am a Rock..."

Whoever Crafted Jessica Simpson's Tatas Should Be Proud.

Minutemen Decide to Sing for Immigrants: "This land is our land.."

Hollywood Dick's Been Watching too Much Sopranos.

Soccer Comes Out of the Closet: Now Officially an Evildoer.

Putin the Force on Alert: Ah, Russia, How We Have Missed Ye.

Blaine's Hands and Feet Return to Normal -- Ego Still on Hold.

Women Can Tell if You're a Good Father by Just Looking at Ya!

Blaine's Record Attempt All Washed Up.

The Dirk Factor: to Choke or not to Choke...

Beatles to Apple: Say You Wanna a Revolution?

Rolling Stone Will Now Need Mother's Little Helper After Surgery.

Throw out your hands. Stick out your tush. Hands on your hips. Give 'em a push...America's Skankiest Actress Blazing in the Ass Follies.

Yale Students Boning Geronimo in the Grave? "How?"

Rotten Tomato Chef Will Have Time to Think About His Cooking Prowess.

Douche Bag Tycoon Award of the Week...

Who's Got More Heart in This Situation: The Embezzler? The Dominatrix? Or Bubba?

The Blaine is Insane Because he's in Pain (Say that 5 times fast! Okay, How About 10?)

Mission Impossible: Saving Your Career After Being a Raving Looney for the Past Year.

Will the Beatles Take Another Bite Out of Apple?

Streaker Busted. Hint to Guy: that was sooooo '80s.

Please Don't Operate Heavy Machinery, or Lawn Mowers, While Under the Influence.

Texter Best Go Back to "Can You Hear Me Now?"

Thirteen-Year-Old Girl Goes For Lucky Number 7.

Model Eats Record 2 Rice Cakes in a Week!

Someone's a Sour Puss (Bush).

Playmate of the Year Must've Given Her 80-Year-Old Grandfather-like Hef the Best BJ of the Year.

MJ Not Exactly GQ Poster Boy.

Another Kennedy Almost Falls Asleep at the Wheel.

More Gossip from Camp Britney: She Finally Hires Full-time Sitter, for Federline.

Bush Jr. Blair Shakes up the Team.

De La Hoya Must Have Needed Some Cash.

Top al-Q Guy Not Machine-Gun Ready? Or Propaganda? U.S. Propaganda? No Way.

The Heated T-Ball Season is here for this Guy, er, Douche Bag.

Obviously, if you're a U.S. Soldier Chick, You Gotta Have a Tat on the Lower Back Just Like Every Other Clone 20-Something Chick.

A Guy That Makes Faces Like This is Actually Our Fearless Leader.

A President and a Rabbi Walk into a Mosque...

Fox Hides From Decriminalization Bill.

Picasso's Deformed Girlfriend Fetches Millions -- Yet She Still Won't Hang the Laundry Out.

The Chosen One Walks on Water Again. Can There Be Any Doubt Now?

Barkley Compulsive Gambler -- Eating to Come Later.

The Answer My Friend is Blowing in the DJ Winds.

Flea Asks You Not to Jump All Over Peppers Downloads. LOL.

Dame Edna Strives for Middleweight Division Down Under.

Terminator Talks Big (Again): Not One L.A. Football Team, but Two.

Lakers Brown Finally Starts Playing Ball -- And Assaulting Chicks?

Picture of Harold and Maude of Malaysia. Dude's Gonna Need Some Serious Viagra.

Mexico Just Says "Yo!: Drugs For Everyone!"

Another Soprano Bites the Dust.

Anna "Gold Digger" Nicole Back in the Action.

Steve Nash to Accept MVP Wearing a No. 8 Jersey.

Did he Fall Out of Palm Tree, Off Jet Ski, Or Did the Drugs Finally Catch Up With Keith Richards and Did He Think he was one of Herman's Hermits?

"Model Wears Creation By Colombian Manufacturer." Now, What Exactly Are We Talking About Here? The Bikini or...

Mr. Beard & Mustache Ready to Woo the Ladies.

Hmm, Someone Fell Asleep on the Job Again.

Youngin's Turning Toward the Viagra, too. If it's Good Enough for Hef...