TGR: Okay, are you sitting down?

DC: Yeah.

TGR: We’re gonna start with a real serious one.

DC: O-K.

TGR: If the Nutty Professor got his nuts caught in his zipper and you were the only one around to lend him a hand…

DC: (laughs) If the Nutty Professor got his nuts caught in his zipper and I was the only one around to lend a hand. Hmm. That depends. Was there anyone watching?

TGR: Ah, no.

DC: I’m going to have to think about that one and get back to you then.

TGR: If you could be any white man on earth, who would it be?

DC: Eminem.

TGR: Why?

DC: Because he’s cool. He raps and stuff.

TGR: If you were as hairy as Robin Williams what would you do?

DC: Oh man…I’d cover my penis with a shower cap and dip my body in Nair.

TGR: Nominate your favorite black man for president and, with you as VP, tell us what you’d stand for.

DC: President Eddie Murphy and I would most definitely run on the Pussy Platform.

TGR: And as VP, do you think it would be a good idea to take Viagra on the moon?

DC: No, that’s a bad idea. Because, unless there’s pussy on the moon, you’d be fucking a crater or something.

TGR: At what age did you start masturbating?

DC: Let’s see, I was 12. And I did it with an Amway catalogue. And then I found Playboy. Because I just fell in love with the articles.

TGR: If you could Def Comedy Jam one hot babe…

DC: Ah, Oprah?

TGR: Why would someone get half-baked when they can get all the way baked?

DC: I don’t know. It’s important to do?

TGR: Do you make money off of Ben & Jerry’s Half-Baked ice cream?

DC: I wish.

TGR: Speaking of baking, what drug would you like to slip President Bush, and what would you do to him once he was under the influence?

DC: It would have to be: Zoloft. And I’d have him as a musical guest on my show. He could play the drums.

TGR: If you could be any one of the Seven Dwarfs, which one would it be and how would you turn Snow White black?

DC: If I could be one of the Seven Dwarfs…Hmm. Sleepy. Or Dopey. How would I turn Snow White black?

TGR: Right.

DC: I’d take away her health care benefits.

TGR: Fill in the blank: Black men have smaller __________.

DC: Health care benefits.

TGR: What was the worst comedy experience you ever had?

DC: I got booed off the stage at the Apollo when I was 15 – with my mom in the audience.

TGR: On your website it says you’re the funniest man alive. Who’s the funniest stiff?

DC. Red Foxx.

TGR: How do you want to die?

DC: Happy and painless.

TGR: If you were in charge of mixing the final cocktail at a cult picnic, what would it be in Starbuckian language?

DC: A grande-cool-aid macchiato.

If you liked this, check out our exclusive with comedian Katt Williams.