It’s our annual Year in Douchebags. Come on, what would the world be with out ‘em? Boring. So, here they are, in all their douchery.

10. Elliot Spitzer

Favorite Douchism: “I am deeply sorry that I did not live up to what was expected of me.”

Comment: At least he banged a hot chick.

9. Wolf Blitzer

Favorite Douchism: “Guess what, there’s another bomb out there, it is going to kill a lot more, but I’m not telling you where it is.”

Comment: Hopefully it’s in your shorts, and it explodes along with every alarming syllable you ever uttered.

8. Harvey Levin

Favorite Douchism: “It’s not this kind of produced package of celebrity video. You hear the sounds and it feels like you’re there.”

Comment: Trust us, if we were there, we’d advocate gunning down everyone of your little TMZ junior fuckwad Papamisfits in action.

7. Joe the Plumber

Favorite Douchism: When he stood up McCain at rally. Actually, McCain’s probably a bigger douchebag for allowing his pasty old white ass to be stood up.

6. O.J. Simpson

Favorite Douchism: Weeping like a little boy who couldn’t handle the sit-ups his YFL coach made him do.

Comment: Lucky number 13, we have a loser. Thirteen years to the day, he was cleared of slicing and dicing his wife and her BFF, the Juice is no longer loose (hooray!), convicted on all counts in his little Vegas caper.

5. Roger Clemens

Favorite Douchism: “It’s hogwash for people to even assume this.”

Comment: Especially after watching your head grow from a 7″ hat size to Jabba the Hut proportions overnight.

4. George Bush

Favorite Douchism: “First of all, I don’t see America having problems.”

Comment: If you voted for this man, TWICE, you’re just as much of a douchebag as him. Consider yourself flushed.

3. Rod Blagojevich

Favorite Douchism: “I should say if anybody wants to tape my conversations, go right ahead, feel free to do it. I appreciate anybody who wants to tape me openly and notoriously, and those who feel like they want to sneakily, and wear taping devices, I would remind them that it kind of smells like Nixon and Watergate.”

Comment: And we all know how clean Nixon was.

2. Bernard Madoff

Favorite Douchism: “In today’s regulatory environment, it’s virtually impossible to violate rules.”

Comment: Can we send him to Iraq for the Hussein Special?

1. Sarah Palin

Favorite Douchism: “We believe that the best of America is not all in Washington, D.C. We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America.”

Comment: Yeah, like the pockets that include meth-head moms whose son knocks up your unwed, white trash daughter.

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Spitzer and Blitzer, hmm, sounds like they should’ve been born to be one of Santa’s reindeer. A lot less press.

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Recommended reading: 11 Ways to be More of a Myspace Whore

It’s that time again. Here comes another friggin’ new year. For most of us, the end of the year comes with a sigh of relief. Like, “oh, shit, I’m so glad that fucking year is over, 2009 couldn’t be any worse.” Or, gasp, could it?

Say it won’t be so, Obama! Whatever, it’s time to make some serious resolutions.

1. Stop Spending

That’s right, kids. It means cutting back on that whole “shove dollar bills in meaningless cracks” habit. While you’re at it, you may want to tell that next credit card to take a friggin’ hike, along with the swimming pool in your Hummer.

2. Start Adapting

Whatever field you’re currently in, it’s going to be changing at an alarming rate. Stop waiting around for the axe to fall, start figuring out how to be ahead of the curve now. Little hint: If you haven’t noticed a little thing called the Internet, swallowing every possibly thing in its path, then you may want to take notice and figure out how to use it to your future advantage. Either that, or you become Soylent Green. Think we’re kidding?

3. Find Balance

Everything is spinning so damn fast. That thing called the Internet, and technology in general, was once upon a time supposed to allow for more leisure time. Not happening. Get the hell out of the cyclone long enough to give yourself time to relax, exercise, and fuck. It’s only going to make your work-life that much richer when you get back to it. i.e., Stop trying to constantly win the race, and take time to smell the roses, or marijuana.

4. Focus on Mission

Stop making the mission all about the tits and ass. There’s a time for everything. Now is the time for you to get your life together — without the constant distraction you add to it by obfuckingsessing about the opposite sex 24/7. Don’t worry, as you let it go, “they’ll” slowly be pulled into your gravitational field.

5. Cut Something Loose (see above)

You’ve been hanging onto something for too long. It’s bringing you down. You can no longer hide it from yourself. Maybe it’s the crack, maybe it’s the fourth meals, maybe it’s your girlfriend. Trust us, it’s something. And you need to let go of it. It may be painful, at first, but it’s gonna get better, it will. Stick with it. Have faith. And patience. Remember that concept?

6. Hobby Time

Stop putting it off! Sign up for whatever it is you’ve been promising yourself for the last five new years. Trust us, it’s going to take time to develop this new hobby, but your life will be enriched beyond just sitting around all day trying to come up with one more mundane Twitter tweet.

7. Educate Thyself

There’s too many ignorant people walking around that have no idea of what is going on in life beyond the vast scope of their cubicle. At least we voted for Smart over Stupid in 2008, but it can’t stop there, an educated populace is, well, an educated populace. Get on-board so we can get this next crucial step in our history correct. Need we say what awaits us if we don’t?

8. Be Nice

There’s too many self-involved assholes running around in the world. Would it be so hard to realize the world doesn’t revolve around our individual selves? It revolves around Paris Hilton, Ryan Seacrest, and a bunch of other smug twats (but that’s another article). Fact is, we all eat, sleep and shit like everyone else. And when our flames are extinguished, guess what? Same all around the horn. Be humble. Help one another. It’ll all come back to you in the end.

Now go get fucked-up and forget about all these intense things for one night.

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Recommended reading: Top 10 Douchebags of the Year

If you’re planning on going to the 2009 Presidential Inauguration, we figured you could use a list of prohibited items:

Firearms and ammunition (either real or simulated)
Explosives of any kind (including fireworks)
Knives, blades, or sharp objects (of any length)
Mace and/or pepper spray
Nunchucks
Tasers
Rocket launchers
WW II grenades
Sub-machine guns
Laser pointers
Sticks or poles
Pocket or hand tools, such as “Leatherman”
Ball point pens
Paper clips
Staple guns
Backpacks
Large bags
Duffel bags
White bed sheets
Packages (unless specifically addressed to President Obama)
Wallets
Suitcases
Tupperware
Thermoses
Blenders
Coolers
Strollers
Toys
Party streamers
Umbrellas
Binoculars
Shoes
Mood rings
Basketballs (there is to be absolutely no autograph requests)
Signs
Posters
Index cards
Newspapers
Burning crosses
Map of London
Animals (other than service animals)
Janet Jackson
Michael Jackson
Alcoholic beverages
Drugs (prescription drugs exempted)
Tie-dyed shirts
President No. 43

“My country tis of thee…”

“Y-M-C-A.”

“Hey, check out my zero gravity lips/hips.”

“How’d you like to see this jump out of your birthday cake?”

“Is that security dude looking at my man flesh?”

“Yup, I’ve got a tinny tiny penis.”

“Oh yeah, baby! Picture these sexy balls in your face!”

“It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A…Hi mom!”

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Suggested viewing: Stanford’s 6th Man of Year

1. Thinks her meds are Flinstones vitamins.

2. Keeps referring to you as “that guy.”

3. “Accidentally” invites dad to cam when she’s going down on you.

4. Likes talking to dead tree bark for moral support.

5. Writes songs about her 23 stray cats and a bong, and then arm-farts her way through them.

1. She is going to become just like her mother.

2. She took Viagra once and sat around with some girlfriends comparing penis sizes.

3. It IS all about size.

4. She’s thinks about sex as much as you do.

5. She thinks about shoes more than sex.

6. She could live without that taste in the back of her throat.

7. Your credit card makes a great lozenger.

8. She has no idea what her Chinese-symbol tramp-stamp means. Um, slutty?

9. When she says no she really means, “oh please, just ask me one more time so I can hold onto a modicum of my dignity.”

10. PMS is a myth created by women who have no better resources to control men with (hint: remember that thing between your legs?). Yeah, we just said that to piss you off. Whattya gonna do about it? We didn’t ask you into the club house

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Recommended reading: 5 Biggest Lies of Internet Dating

1. We pick our nose, a lot.

2. We look at women to size up one thing…

3. We think virgins are overrated.

4. We love pissing in the wild, farting in the elevator.

5. We thought about masturbating to Sarah Palin.

6. We think we could kick Obama’s ass in a game of one-on-one.

7. We are happy we’re not the ones fighting in Iraq.

8. We enjoy seeing you lose.

9. We think money makes us powerful.

10. We actually do like little kids and puppies.

11. We prefer going half way around the world rather than listening to your directions.

12. We’re confident we’re cooler than the next guy.

13. We think your big sunglasses look asinine.

14. We are silently wondering if you ever shut up.

15. We want equal rights for all white males.

16. We are scared to die.

17. We love barely legals.

18. We dream of meeting just one woman with a “drama-off” switch.

19. We believe in the right of way as long as it’s our right of way.

20. We don’t know when to slow down.

21. We’re petrified of policemen.

22. We are over Eva Longoria.

23. We admire Evan Longoria.

24. We think social networking is mainly for losers.

25. We really could give two shits about your random life or your 25 random questions about yourself. WTF cares?

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Recommended reading: Useless Stuff

Recommended viewing: Miss Depression 2009

1. Have sex with you on your period.

2. Meet your friends, even worse, your family.

3. Let you have the dry spot.

4. Watch chick flicks.

5. Buy you flowers.

6. Listen to your complaints.

7. Wear your panties.

8. Go dancing.

9. Enact PDA.

10. Use a condom.

11. Pick up your dog’s poop.

12. Go down on you.

13. Write a song about you.

14. Remember your first name.

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Recommended viewing: 10 Things a Woman Does Not Want You to Know

1. Sniff blow off a hooker’s ass while farting the National Anthem. And video it for America’s Got Talent. Then sue when it hits the Internet.

2. Challenge a mouse to a skateboard race.

3. Bang any living munchkin from the Wizard of Oz while humming Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

4. Shave Mike Myers pubes and save them in a jar by his bed. Yeah, baby!

5. Marry a vegetable named Demetri. Swear off meat/sheep forever.

6. Audition to find “love” with fellow midget Tila Tequila.

7. Demonstrate his fine mastery of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

8. Apply to be paper weight between Mary Carey’s breasts.

9. Nominate Pop Tarts as the number one snack food for diabetic children and people that had to flee Hurricane Gustav.

10. Hand out extra mini-me pads at the local prom.

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Recommended viewing: Rock n’ Roll Groupie Hall of Fame