“Seriously, I have no idea what he’s doing back there. And no one’s ever told me I look like Tina Fey, thank you.”

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If you liked this, check out how we feel in general about the 2008 Presidential Race.

The sad state of affairs in U.S. politics:

Suggested reading: China Makes Next Move

Critics are calling it “a comedic masterpiece.”

Okay, so who’s doing the critiquing? Is it like, um, the New York Times? No. Chicago Tribune? No. Entertainment Weekly? No. USA Today? No. National Enquirer? No. Larry King? YES.

The highly credible movie reviewer King continues: “The Coen brothers have out done themselves.”

Yeah, in making a shitty movie, obviously.

If your marketing geniuses are reduced to Larry King soundbites, you know your film is in a whole lot of trouble. This is a man who would praise a moldy orange if he could squeeze something out of it.

Burn before even seeing?

“I happen to like oranges.”

We’ll never learn, will we? Not at this point. The disease of ignorance and stupidity has run rampant. You stupid people would be ashamed of yourselves, if you only knew better.

Don’t you understand? By moving away from the “Smart” candidate, you’re reinforcing “stupid” in our country. Is being smart really that much of a threat to you? Don’t your children deserve a chance to grow up and be smart? Or do you want them growing up just like you? Forget we even asked that question, just file this one under:

“Stupid is as stupid does.”

“He’s not a smart man, but he knows what a voting boner is.”

The views in this article are not necessarily shared by The Guy Report. Well, not all of us, anyway.

“Do you want fries with that?”

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Check out Palin Pics 7

Too bad he can’t take him out on the hoop court. End of debate: White men can’t jump.

“Yeah, but we can sure shoot and pass well, beeotch!”

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You play streetball? Then you need to read this.

1. Mistakenly drive to another country before stopping to ask for directions.

2. Insert firecracker in frog’s butt, light, step away from the frog.

3. “Pull my finger” joke (at 35-years-old).

4. Believe in penis extensions.

5. Hourly penis measurements w/ruler.

6. Consult ESPN before planning date.

7. Worship anything that has to do with balls.

8. Shave balls.

9. Break someone’s hand while shaking it.

10. Admit John Travolta is, and has always been, limp-wristed.

“Check out my man-meat, now! Oh, yeah, almost forgot:
Shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yipitty boom de boom.”

Our favorite new show is called Superjail and it’s on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim, Sunday’s at 11:45. It is one trippy ride you’re going to want to be lit for. Click for preview.

With a country currently running around like chickens with our heads cut off, it’s time for a little lesson in vegetables.

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Vegetables: GOOD

Chickens: BAD

Vegetables: GREEN

Chickens: MAD

Vegetables: STONED

Chickens: SAD

Vegetables: PLENTY

Chickens: HAD

Vegetables: THINK

Chickens: FAD

Vegetables: WINK

Chickens: BAD

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Vegetables: I guess the question you have to ask is: Is she wearing bottoms or not?

P.S. The sky is not falling.

“But it’s sssssssso scary!”

“How about a nice veggie burrito to make it go away?”

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Wanna know how to roll like Vin Diesel? A comic stroll down wannabe lane…

Famed groupie Cynthia Plaster Caster got her nickname for, well, making plaster casts of rock star’s genitals. Jimmie Hendrix being her MFP™ (click his link to see it).

She now calls herself a “recovering groupie.” Probably because she is far too old to get any real penis these days. But, hey, that shouldn’t stop a girl from dreaming.

TGR: Which bands were you the most passionate about?

CPC: The Zombies were incredible, one of the best things I have ever seen. Mike Smith of Dave Clark 5, incredible.

TGR: Wildest touring band ever?

CPC: The Turtles. There were lots of orgies and it was your social obligation not to be square.

TGR: 3 favorite old school rockers still active?

CPC: Dave Davies is pretty good, a better incarnation of the Kinks. Eric Burden is still rocking. Ian Anderson…There’s a weird twist of fate. I made friends with him over email. He had me as a guest on his show, he just cranks, still in good physical shape.

TGR: How long does it take to make a cast?

CPC: It depends on the size of…one minute hard in the mold. Whole process takes an hour.

“Let’s see the one-eyed monster, hon.”

TGR: Any rockstars you’d still like to cast?

CPC: I’d love to do Ian. But he offered me his flute instead. Marianne Faithful. Bowie is another, you’d have him in your collection any day. A girl can dream. Eric would be a re-cast. I have a damaged memory of what happened. He got this big beefy boner for me, and the mold failed, I didn’t mix it right. He’s like ‘that’s it, doll, you had your chance, sorry.’

TGR: Did you do Gene Simmons?

CPC: No, but Gene wanted people to think he’d been done.

TGR: Who would be your least favorite to cast?

CPC: Peter Frampton is totally unrecognizable and bald. He wears a giant t-shirt to hide the bloat.

“This doesn’t look like your shrively, now, does it Peter?”