On November 9, the Lakers played the Houston Rockets and spanked their monkeys. Regardless, a glaring weakness, on the Lakers part, revealed itself during the game:

The Lakers have no one to neutralize the kind of physical antics displayed by NBA Poster Boy Ron Artest on Kobe Bryant.

Yes, the Lakers won handily. And, yes, Kobe can take care of himself, and did. But once they get into the real season, the playoffs, Kobe is going to need an enforcer at his back. Currently the Lakers have no such thing.

A perfect example is Rick Fox from the glory days of the early 21st Century. We don’t need to remind you how Foxy’s main purpose on the team was to restore order. And that his energy (pure: Thug World) injected the team with a street fighter mentality required for NBA Championship celebrations. Something Sasha Vujacic is never going to do. Something Luke Walton is never going to do. Something Kurt Rambis is never going to do. (But he would have.)

It’s the same reason the Lakers got their monkeys pounded by the Celtics last season, and it hasn’t been addressed by management since.

Sure, Andrew Bynum is back, and solid as ever. And Trevor Ariza is playing great. But can you ever picture either of those players taking someone out that needs to be taken out? Nope. Ain’t gonna happen. And all the finesse in the world is not going to win the Lakers their 15th championship. They desperately need a fighter in their corner.

We hear Randy Couture is available.

Trooper Bob likes moonlit walks on the beach, karaoke and Jimmy Dean sausage links.

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Recommended viewing:

So You Think You Can Dance?

Dan (left): I thinks his moves are totally gay, Barry.

Barry: If the parents of the little homo behind us are watching,
look what your tuition is going to.

Barry: Why don’t you just come pick him up right now? Before the
dancing queen has his way with the entire male cast of
the Vagina Monologues.

Barry: Come on! Don’t make us turn around and smack him like
he was our prison bitch.

Barry: Seriously, this is Stanford, have some decorum.

Barry: Gee, where’s Waldo now?

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Check out TNT’s Three Stooges: Marv, Reggie and Mike.

1. Boston Celtics

Why: They still got the look.

Watch: If they can keep it through 82-plus, and a dozen Kendrick Perkins meltdowns.

“I’m gonna take my ball and go home!”

2. Los Angeles Lakers

Why: Deeper than a Deepak Chopra meditation.

Watch: If they wig-out when pushed from their “om” center.

“Come on! You gotta OM now!”

3. Cleveland Cavaliers

Why: Because someone has to be runner-up in the East.

Watch: If all that incessant chatter about LBJ to save Knicks franchise fades.

“See you boys in 2010, not.”

4.San Antonio Spurs

Why: Who else in the West has the potential to beat the Lakers in seven games?

Watch: If the Big 3 have one last word about their Dynasty.

“What happened to me?”

5. New Orleans Hornets

Why: CP3 rules.

Watch: Them fall in the playoffs for lack of depth.

“You basically just take the ball and do whatever the hell you want with it.”

Bugging us to be on our Fav Five:

Detroit
Houston
Utah
Atlanta
Mark Madsen

“Who says white men can’t dance? Let’s get jiggy!”

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Recommended reading: David West interview

Let the record show that this is not a story about Norman Bates, nor psychos in general. Unless you consider action-sports photographer Greg Huglin batty for wanting to get several tow-surfers together for a surf trip to a secret spot that may be firing off 80-foot virginal waves. This is “Psychos” and it’s perched somewhere between the Channel Islands of California and a place that could be hell—if just one mine surrounding the destination is triggered.

Huglin found the spot a few years back after hearing tales from urchin divers that monstrous mountains of water, inaccessible by land, existed out beyond the Islands. His search began by boat and then moved to the air with expensive helicopter-recon. After getting a positive I.D. he named the break because “who in their right mind would be psycho enough to try it?”

He also stumbled upon another spot, right next door to Psychos, called “Shark Park.” Think of Psychos as the granddaddy of Big Waves, and Shark Park the grandson.

Discovery is really nothing, just a compass point on a map, until obstacles are overcome and that discovery springs to life. Obstacles facing Huglin and Crew (including Tow Surfing World Champ Garrett McNamara) were gigantic, rocky and foggy seas, shifting, doubled-up waves, and a whole ship of men blowing chunks over the side. Add to that the Great White sharks and the almighty — and on high alert — United States Air Force and you have yourself a challenge.

Flashback. 97’. JAWS.

Huglin, the 55-year-old, sun-weathered renegade-of-the-lens, who has shot action sports for the last 30 years, was filming the famous North Shore Maui break when he got the inspiration to find mammoth waves closer to his Californian backyard.

“I wanted to do this project with a few friends, not a giant Hollywood-style crew,” says Huglin, who did time in Hollywood, shooting and directing commercials.

Tow-surfer Chuck Patterson, who thinks Huglin is a master of the ocean, says: “When someone like Greg sets their mind on something like this, there’s no looking back.”

Psychos and Shark Park are 50 miles from the nearest land. Meaning, if something catastrophic were to take place, there’s nowhere to put a helicopter down, and little chance at assistance from Baywatch blondes bearing flotation devices.

Plan B out of the Huglin Handbook states: If anyone gets trapped inside the break they should tie themselves to a kelp bed so someone will eventually find their bodies. That is, if the sharks don’t pick them off first.

Great Whites feast in the region because a fertile combination of warm and cool currents brings a great variety of marine life to the area, including the elephant seals that provide a regular main course for the sharks.

Huglin, himself, hasn’t seen any Great Whites in the area, but there have been several attacks on record. Most recently when a diver tragically bled to death after he was pulled from the water by his friends with a severed leg, trailed by a 15-foot wake of blood. From the bite marks on his wetsuit the coroner estimated that the shark’s mouth was 18 inches long and it’s length 25 feet—the biggest shark on record for the vicinity.

Sharks aside, Huglin had to maneuver his way around an oceanic landscape that has claimed hundreds of shipwrecks through the years. Also, making any move whatsoever wasn’t possible until he obtained clearance from the U.S. Air Force Base at Vandenberg.

Located in Lompoc, California, Vandenberg disrupted Huglin’s first helicopter-recon attempt—radioing them to vacate the area—when his pilot dropped below the required 1000 foot elevation so they could get better pictures. On the second helicopter run, Huglin followed proper post 9-11 protocol and phoned ahead to make sure they weren’t going to be flying in a “hot zone.”

With the ocean taking up two-thirds of the earth surface, it’s no wonder there are still uncharted waves left to be found. And with the growing popularity of tow-surfing, there are many explorers like Huglin who are boldly willing to go where no man has surfed before. But when asked if he thinks tow-surfing violates Mother Nature, in any way, Huglin says:

“We drive cars and use phones and computers to enhance our lives in the first world… Everyone hates the sound of jet skis, but they enable you to push the limits of fun. And you couldn’t surf either Psychos or Shark Park without towing in. So either do it, or shut up and let someone else do it.”

Huglin did it. Shark Park. Twice. Unfortunately, the conditions at Psychos have been too dangerous to attempt. But, hey, with 80-foot surf waiting to be conquered, do you think Huglin and Co. are going to stop with 35-40 foot waves? Hell no. Stay tuned.

Check out more Shark Park photos.

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Recommended reading: Interview with Gerry Lopez.

Lately, I’ve been fretting over what I’ve seen in my Fantasy League: everybody’s logging in to check scores and fiddle with their line-ups, but few are ever using the boards anymore to talk smack.

People, Fantasy League isn’t just about winning or losing. It’s about posting terrible things you’d never say in front of your wife, and making your friends cry like they’re losing a testicle.

My fellow Fantasy Leaguer TTripp often asks me, “Monty, how can I improve my stupid, slow and flabby posts?”

I always say the same thing: “Let me fuck your mother, and I’ll show you.” And that’s how I became my League’s most respected motherfucker.

But I never did show TTripp how to improve his posts. I would just slip out the window, after fucking his mother, then sneak back around to pee on his front door and poop on his car. But I was younger then: more agile and also more full of poop. I’m older now, and I want to pass along the wisdom of my ways.

So, here they are then. All the secrets to an artful post compiled into one convenient top ten list.

10. Go after the league commissioner right off the bat.

I don’t know why, but people really hate those smug control-freak bastards, and they love it when someone brings said control freak down. It’s not hard, really. Just belittle the jerk over his indie music picks, toss in some swears, and be sure to mention his love for throat fucking chickens — even if it’s not true.

“Sure do wish I had a step ladder about now.”

9. Lose. And lose big.

You can’t accuse your friends of throat fucking chickens, or saying their sisters smell like wolf pussy if you’re also taking them down in the wins column. That’s just plain mean. Decide, now, whether you’re in it to win, or to leave your friends sobbing like the wretched cum-soaked cock sockets they are.

8. Say things you would normally never ever say, not even in your head.

Like wretched cum-soaked cock socket. The more you sound like a racist, homophobic, one-legged midget sex offender, the better. Well, the funnier anyway.

“Just who the hell am I offending?”

7. Don’t forget your warm-up exercises.

You’ll need a DVD player, or a computer with a DSL connection. Start slow with Bad Santa and a few minutes of Chris Rock. Absorb some interviews with John Rocker, and Gilbert Gottfried doing that dirty joke dealio. Then cap it off with Ned Beatty’s big career moment in Deliverance, Malcolm McDowell’s crime spree in A Clockwork Orange, and if you got ‘em, Larry Craig’s stolen sex tapes.

“Rated NG, for Not Gay!”

6. Did I mention TTripp’s unquenchable desire for horse dick?

Okay, okay. I should probably lay off my good friend TTripp. I just wanted to illustrate my point. That TTripp wants to fuck himself some Seabiscuit.

“That Seabiscuit gets all the fun, and you wanna play chess?”

5. Include obscure references to Fauvism and Ernest Borgnine — things most people know nothing about.

That makes you sound smart, and then it’s okay to joke about titty fucking Mother Theresa on Yom Kippur. Take for instance Woody Allen. The guy molested and married his adopted daughter, and he never had to pay for his acts. All he had to do was come off as an intellectual in his movies, and people forgave him.

Do what I say, and make like you’re the most brilliant son-of-a-bitch that ever graced the inside of a sheep’s ass, and you’ll keep the respect of your peers.

“Step right up, must be this high to climb in his ride.”

4. Get a thesaurus. Use it.

Substitute as many words as possible with ones that sound dirty, even if they aren’t. Angina, rectory, and fallacious are just some of the gems that can put some shine on even the shittiest of posts.

3. Which brings me to my next piece of advice. Never ever under any circumstances use the words shit or shitty. (Unless you’re me in the fifth paragraph of this piece.)

Sure, these words can be remarkably flexible in illustrating a point, but let’s face it — there’s nothing funny about shit. Shit’s ugly and smells. Shit usually calls to mind early childhood experiences that are best forgotten. If you’re trying to be descriptive, use feces. If you’re trying to be funny, use poop. (See paragraph 5.)

“BYOB though.”

2. Don’t fear the reaper. Say what you want to say.

Your posts should be password protected, so there’s no reason why the wife has to know that you whack off to homemade fake nudes of Sarah Palin. And always appoint a commish who lives several states away, and is really poor, so there’s little chance of him ever coming after you for what you said about his mother and her unfortunate spinal condition.

1. Finally, just remember to have fun.

Only closet-Nazi Republican homophobes who have sodomized at least one household pet really know how to live. If we can’t walk a mile in their high heel trannie shoes every once in awhile, then we (as a people) are truly lost.

Lastly: It’s not about whether you win or lose that counts, it’s how you talk the smack.

“Go ahead, you don’t sink zat I can handle it?”

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Recommended reading: Dumbest Sports Quotes.

“I didn’t create this problem, so it’s definitely out of my hands.”

- Stephon Marbury, Dec. 16, 2008

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Check out our NBA Fav Five.

With the Boston Celtics streak reaching 18 in a row yesterday, obviously the talk of the all-time NBA record is out in the blogosphere.

The biggest hurdle for the Celts is obviously the Lakers on Christmas Day. And, boy, do the Lakers have extra incentive to win. Not only will they be playing for pride, and to prove to themselves they have grown from last season’s trouncing in the NBA Finals, but they’ll be protecting a 33-game streak that has been held since ‘71-72 by their own Wilt Chamberlain, Jerry West and company.

If the Celts make it through Christmas untarnished, there’s only one other game that may prove problematic, and that’s a date with LBJ and the Cavs on January 9. Then they could practically coast into Miami on January 21st and claim total f-ing dominance. Sigh.

Is it going to happen? Gosh, we hope not.

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P.S. Definitely not going to happen. Didn’t happen. Never going to happen again. Boston’s bench sucks. Good luck repeating with that bunch.

TEAM WIN STREAK DATE
1 L.A. Lakers 33 11/5/71 - 1/7/72
2 Houston 22 1/29/08 - 3/18/08
3 Milwaukee 20 2/6/71 - 3/8/71
4 L.A. Lakers 19 2/4/00 - 3/13/00
T-5 Boston 18 11/15/08 - 12/21/08
T-5 Boston 18 2/24/82 - 3/26/82
T-5 Chicago 18 12/29/95 - 2/2/96
T-5 New York 18 10/24/69 - 11/28/69
T-8 Dallas 17 1/27/07 - 3/12/07
T-8 Phoenix 17 12/29/06 - 01/29/07
T-8 Boston 17 11/28/59 - 1/1/60
T-8 San Antonio 17 2/29/96 - 3/31/96
T-8 Wash Caps 17 11/16/46- 12/30/46
T-13 Milwaukee 16 10/24/70 - 11/25/70
T-13 L.A. Lakers 16 12/11/99 - 1/12/00
T-13 Portland 16 3/20/91 - 4/19/91
T-13 Boston 16 12/19/64 - 1/22/65
T-13 L.A. Lakers 16 1/9/91 - 2/5/91

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Recommended reading: Lakers Missing One Piece to Puzzle.

When the Boston Celtics won their 17th championship last season, they revealed their big motivating theme: ubuntu, f*ck the Leprechaun.

When the Miami Heat won their first championship in 2006, they revealed their big motivating theme: 15-strong, f*ck super fan Sly Stallone.

When training camps opened this past summer, we managed to go undercover and rustle up this year’s losing themes.

Team: Oklahoma Thunder

Theme: 1-Strong

Every day, over and over, from their own locker room to the streets of exciting OKC, you can hear it exhorted from every corner: “1 strong, bitches!” And, as you can see, it’s working wonders so far. Kevin Durant is lighting up the league, while his teammates compete for a chance to be shipped off to the nearest NBDL team.

Comment: Rookie Michael Westbrook is playing his butt off so, by the end of the season, everyone in exciting OKC is yelling: “2 strong, bitches!”

Team: Minnesota Timerwolves

Theme: Laugh and the whole world laughs with you!

How can it not be called a comedy of errors when Young Frankenstein Kevin McHale takes Randy Foye over Brandon Roy, and Kevin “McWhitey” Love over O.J. Mayo?

Comment: What’s he do for an encore? Keep Mark Madsen on the bench to lead cheers, sing and dance in the musical version. Stay positive Minnesota, at least there’s a funny new senator in town.

Team: Los Angeles Clippers

Theme: Man Overboard!

If they don’t jump ship, they trip and fall somewhere and wind up on the I.R. Once every player has managed to take himself out of uniform, brilliant owner Donald T. Sterling finally has to realize his dreams of capturing anything but the Worst Owner in the History of Sports is futile.

Comment: It’s either continuing to let the sharks feed off your flaccid franchise, or move the f*ck to Orange County. No! You cannot still use the name “L.A. Clippers.”

Team: Washington Wizards

Theme: The Howler

Inspired by Harry Potter, the Howler has been loudly heard on several occasions this season. First he sent a bright red letter to Gilbert Arenas: “You owe us $111 million you injured motherf*cker!” Next, it was a bright red letter to coach Eddie Jordan: “You’re fired! You suck! Next!” Unfortunately, no one seems to be willing to open the Howler’s letters any longer. Which means Caron Butler will continue to chuck up every known shot in the universe, and a majorly loud explosion is on the way — not to mention a trip to the lottery.

Comment: Obama withdraws mid-season ticket request.

Team: Sacramento Kings

Theme: What happens in Vegas…

If you were getting paid millions of dollars to play basketball, would you want to do so in California’s boring old state capitol, pop. 460,000? We didn’t think so. So, why not completely gut your roster and tank for a couple of seasons before your faithful cowbellers finally have had enough of your sorry asses and ring your bell straight out of town.

Comment: Maloofs tired of transporting their Vegas hookers in and out of city. In these hard times, they’d like to save a little money on jet fuel. Forget the championship parade. See you at the Palms, bitches.

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Recommended reading: Stanford 6th Man of Year

Some quick tips for the Super Bowl par-tay so the refs don’t blow the whistle on you.

1. For conversation starters, everyone should have a couple of Super Bowl facts under your belt, e.g. For every 19 hookers busted before the game…

2. Ladies that don’t know WTF is going on, just sit there, look pretty, and keep the chip bowl filled. Twirling your hair is optional.

3. If you bring Cheetos, must also bring napkins to clean your drunk GF up with after the game. Leaving her in tub optional.

4. If you’re a guest blowing chunks, take it outside. It’s not fair to make your mom clean the toilet — again.

5. Don’t censor yourself from acting like a tool just because some hot chick you want to impress is sitting across from you without panties. She probably can’t differentiate between what came out of your mouth and a light bulb.

6. Leave the glory days of your high school football stories at the door. Heard ‘em! Likewise, the stories of working at the Home Depot now.

7. If your gf is hottest girl in room, don’t act like it. That kind of thing comes easy with a million dollar trust fund and a time share at Paris Hilton’s pool house. Humility, my friend. Only because we don’t have hot girlfriends! (Not talking about you though, honey! See ya after the game!)

8. Do not bring up the subject of a college football playoff. Yawn. Likewise, if you’re a Republican, STFU about how “awful” Obama has been in his first two weeks.

9. Avoid itching your ‘nads during the 48 replays involved with a coach’s challenge. The challenge would be: How many beer bongs can you slug in that time?

10. If your bandwagon team loses don’t act like it’s the end of the world. It’s the end of another Sunday. There’s always next year for your beloved Oakland Raiders.

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Recommended reading: Meet Some Lingerie Bowl Babes