“When you’re listed at 5′6″ either you’re really really short, or really really good. And he’s both.”

ESPN’s Mike Tirico on Darren Sproles of the San Diego Chargers
Monday Night Football 09/22/08

Mike, we have one question: WTF?

*

Checkout this massive football hit

The Sports Shrink’s qualifications: Survived abusive YMCA sports coaches; B.S. Degree in Writing Term Papers For Jocks; lifetime member of the Oprah Book Club.

*

Patient: OJ Simpson, alias — The Juice

Lowdown: Former football star/actor/murderer personally squeezes himself for all he’s worth on a Las Vegas stage: absolutelyfuckingnothing. Oh, boo-hoo, so he won’t be able to see his kids graduate from college. Don’t you think they are quietly relieved that their tragic papa is going to be out of their lives for a very long time? Like they really want to turn to their friends at graduation and say, “Hey! Look! There’s my dad! Guilty!”

Analysis: Proceed directly to jail, hope to retrieve some of his personal memorabilia there — or a pack of smokes and a lesson in how to be converted into a “wide receiver.”

Patient: Frankie Rodriguez, alias — K-Rod

All-time leader in saves for a season has a wail of 2008, only to be chopped down to size, again, by the Boston Red Sox.

Analysis: Tell Angel fans to take that Rally Monkey and shove it. Seek love, confidence and a new $10 mil contract in the arms of another team. And, oh yeah: Get some new glasses! May we suggest: LensCrafter?

“Next!”

1. Trailblazing, to where exactly?

Greg Oden for Rookie of the Year? Not so fast (see below). Even on his own team he’s got competition in Jerryd Bayless. And who exactly are the Blazers going to move past to get into the playoffs? Denver is basically their only hope.

Oden will be a force in the middle, especially on D, but he’s got more pressure on him than any NBA player coming into the season. Therefore, Portland’s success depends largely on how the talent behind him performs. Because you know the talent in front of him is on fire.

“This is how we get it in RIP City.”

2. Don’t let the Suns go down on me

Well, we don’t want anyone going down on us, unless Oden hooks us up. Seriously speaking, what happens to Phoenix with D’Antoni gone, Nash getting up there and a dude name Shaq well past his prime?

Seven seconds or less could turn into twenty-four seconds or less: the time it takes Shaq to make it down the court. Props to GM Steve Kerr for making about the worst trade in NBA history. Scary, but is Shaq’s memorabilia stock shrinking as much as OJ’s?

“Let the bidding start at $3.50.”

3. No Holding the Mayo

The answer is YES, Timberwolves’ fans are going to be crying about the Mayo/Love swap for years to come. OJ Mayo is electricity, Love is cement. Both needed commodities, true, but we’ll take the electricity any day.

Mayo for ROY. Madsen, er, we mean, Love to throw some awesome chest passes and please the white fan-base in Minnesota. So long Mark! Hello OJ (good guy version).

4. Ron-Ron’s Red Glare

Houston we have a problem. Goodie-two-shoes Yao Ming meet NBA Poster Boy for Dysfunction Ron Artest, with T-Mac caught in the middle.

An interesting experiment, to say the least, yet a gamble the Rockets had to take in order to compete with the big boys in the West. If Ron-Ron gets Yao to do just one guest lyric on his latest rap album, bonus. If not, look for Yao to throw in the towel and get injured early in the season. Which would bode well for Luis Scola’s rap career.

“I don’t got a rap career. I got a rap sheet. J.R. Rider here I come.”

5. Stupid is as Stupid Does

Prediction: Just as the “Maverick” is going to lose the 2008 presidential election, these Mavericks have officially closed the campaign on the O’Brien, with Josh Howard’s asinine antics only helping the collapse.

Who cares if Jason Kidd is running the point. If you watched him in Beijing, you’ll remember, about the best thing he did was wave a towel. Which is what Dirk is going to be doing throughout the year, cajoling to get the hell out of Cubanville.

“Have you ever seen a grown man naked, Josh? Is that it?”

6. The Heat is Back on?

Well, a little bit. They surely won’t tank like last season, because they’ve got three of the most talented players in the league (and a bunch of scrubs backing them up). That’s gotta be good enough to reclaim a playoff position in the still sucking-ass East, right? Um, maybe.

Wade for comeback player of the year? Heat rookies for: Rook Dopers of the year.

“I don’t touch that stuff.”

7. Knick Watch

No, the Knicks and their new “seven seconds or less” style of play aren’t moving anywhere closer to the top. That’s why the already desperate talk of getting LeBron in 2010 is underway. And, with the Cavs not being able to make it back to the finals (and get swept), it may just become a reality. Can we please assign Jim Gray to this 24/7?

“Peek-a-boo! I see you NYC.”

8. “Detroooooit Basketball”

The Pistons elder statesmen are about done, chemistry class over. They’ve basically got one last shot to make things happen before the decline of the empire.

But will the fall from grace (perhaps too nice a word for the Pistons, and their fans) shut this guy/PA announcer, up at all? Or will the exhortations only get louder?

“LOUDER, motherf…DETROIT BASKETBALLLLLLLLLLLLL.”

9. Lakers vs. Celtics

Why play the season when it’s just going to be Lakers vs. Celtics in the finals again? For TV ratings, you fool! That David Stern is no dummy. He could care less what the other 28 teams do if he just gets the Big Two in the finals. Ca-ching.

Prediction: Lakers learn the lesson of desire and toughness from last year’s ass-whooping and topple the Celtics in six. No matter how much ubuntu the Celts bring to the floor/locker room/strip club scene.

“Seriously, bro, some of that shit they do on the pole…”

*

Wanna get the lowdown on the rooks, and assorted young guns, on the verge of making some waves this season?

Summer League Report 1
Summer League Report 2

Note the look on poor, shamed Chris Mihm’s face after getting a little love-slam from the Clipper’s rookie DeAndre Jordan. It encouraged us to come up with:

10 Reasons Not to be Posterized

1. Stock with fan-base drops precipitously.

2. Stock with coach drops precipitously.

3. Stock with groupies drops precipitously.

4. Stock with wife drops precipitously.

5. Unpleasant feelings associated with having been outed for having the White Man’s Disease.

6. Unpleasant feelings associated with realizing those are the last quality minutes you’ll see all season.

7. Unpleasant feelings associated with realizing the water boy just replaced you as the third string center.

8. Unpleasant feelings associated with opening the package that contains the panties of the player that just posterized you.

9. Statisticians start calculating how many times you’ve been dunked on in comparison to salary.

10. Mother leaves 48 messages on your answering machine to see if you’re “Okay, honey. You’re my baby. I’m worried.”

*

10 Things I Hate About Your Street Ball
Straight up with Lamar Odom

1. Something smells.
2. It wasn’t me.
3. Next time, pull my finger when I tell you to.
4. Yo quiero Taco Bell.

*

Anatomy of a World Series Catch

First off, come on, when do you remember an image of Gregg Popovich smiling at any time that wasn’t at a finals victory party?

I mean, c’mon, dude. What’s up Popp? Hacking Shaq in the first minute of the game to foreshadow the doom you plan to visit on him later? More importantly, you’re chucking away about it like a little school boy who just smelt it, and dealt it.

And your new, kind of, well, makeover?

Teeth bordering on Hillbilly.

Facial hair bordering on, well, Phil Jackson.

And a smile bordering on Little Orphan Annie.

The sun is out, kids, and someone definitely was getting laid in the off-season. Don’t expect it to last until tomorrow (the sun, that is), because clouds already appear on the Spurs horizon. They just don’t got it, and didn’t do anything over the summer to improve their position (though props to Roger Mason Jr., who looks like he was fathered by Little Richard).

Maybe instead of boinking his brains out in the off-season, Popp could have been doing something other than checking in with his assistants to see if Matt Bonner did the 25 push-ups assigned to him.

“The sun will come up again next summer, Poppy! Miss you already!”

Sincerely,

Miss Not Feeling Orphaned Any Longer

P.S. You truly were amazing!

*

Who is the Wimpiest Looking Badass in the NBA?

“Shit, kid, you thought this was going to be easy?”

The Clippers newly appointed GM Mike Dunleavy needs to take the coach, Mike Dunleavy, aside and give him his walking papers before it’s entirely too late for the Clipper Nation and their mayor Clipper Darrell.

Ya mean, there’s actually still hope in that dilapidated funk town? Sadly enough, yes. These Clipper fans hold on like ticks on the ass of a dead deer carcass.

It’s not like the Clips don’t have talent on paper, because they do. But you’ve got 10 new players coming into a system, a system that has been on the skitz for decades, and I don’t care how good they are, gelling (like a felon) does not happen in a day, a week, or even a month. It’s going to take time for these guys to find themselves, and a new personality for their team. That’s the key: a new personality.

Dunleavy the GM should do the right thing and find another coach who can grow with this unit, not pass onto them lessons from the past. The lessons of being perennial losers. Yes, Mike Dunleavy, as a coach, is a loser. OK, he’s had a couple of good seasons, but in general, he’s mediocre at best. Why? Not entirely sure, probably something to do with his Charisma Factor. Or, lack thereof.

C’mon! Just look at the guy. And, for the moment, forget how he’s dressed (not well!), and focus on his energy. It doesn’t scream out “winner” to me. Ever. It screams out “completely frustrated” and at a loss of how to dig a team out of a hole created by years of sucking.

So, why not just start by sacrificing himself as coach? If that doesn’t work, you know what comes next. But, after watching the way owner Donald Mr. T Sterling kept the worst GM in the history of basketball Elgin Baylor around for 99 years, not sure that is going to happen.

Which means Clipper fans should probably head for the exits once and for all — unless they plan on heading across the arena and rooting for a real team.

*

Play-by-play analyst/homer Ralph Lawler on Baron Davis: “His confidence fills the locker room.”

Great, because it sure doesn’t fill the win column.

*

Read up on why the Nuggets Anthony Carter was able to make a comeback in the league.

“I’m telling you, it doesn’t make me look any younger.”

*

Recommended reading:

NBA: Where Amazing Happens

TGR: When was the first time you knew you could fight?

RC: I was in a fight in seventh grade. And you know, everybody picks on the seventh graders. This ninth grade kid decided I was the guy he was gonna pick on and he started harassing me at lunch hour. I hit him with a double-egg and put him on the ground and punched him in the face about five times. Nobody ever really picked on me after that.

TGR: Worst damage you did to somebody?

RC: The cut I put on Pedro Rizzo’s cheek the second time I fought him. It opened up a pretty good gash on his cheek.

TGR: What’s the worst you were hurt?

RC: An elbow to the eye socket when I fractured my eye. That was the worst one, for sure.

TGR: Who delivered that blow?

RC: That was Ricco Rodriguez in Connecticut.

TGR: Do you remember the first time you ever saw your own blood?

RC: Yeah. I was play-fighting on the playground in the second grade and my buddy swung me around head first into the cement wall. I cracked my head open and laughed it off at first. Until I reached up and brought my hand down and saw a handful of my own blood. It freaked me out.

TGR: Did you ever feel remorse after crushing somebody?

RC: You never really want to hurt anybody. But as far as beating somebody up to win the fight, within the limits of the rules, I don’t have any remorse about that.

TGR: How long does it typically take your body to heal after a fight?

RC: A typical fight, a week. But I’ve had some fights take months, you know, with the eye injury and things like that. The leg kicks that Pedro laid on me, the first time we fought, took about three weeks before I felt right again.

TGR: What is the best thing about Ultimate Fighting?

RC: The things I love most are the tactics and the technique involved. That’s what I got into. The one-on-on nature, as well. It was just me out there alone. I’ve got no one else to blame.

TGR: You’re doing some acting now…Who would play you in a movie version of your life?

RC: I guess it depends on which stage of my life you start it at. But probably right now, Ed Harris.

TGR: Ed Harris?

*

Recommended reading: Babes in Action Sports