My mind is on auto-pilot as I zip down the road, my body reverbing as if I just spent the weekend at OzzFest camped out next to 45-foot tall speakers. I have a companion riding shotgun and she’s got a big grin on her face – a female version of the Joker. Trust me, she isn’t OD-ing anytime soon.

Both of us are “spent” and I am quite positive I registered more than a passing grade on the ole “jackhammer screw.” That’s when she turns to me, like she’s just discovered a cure for AIDS, and exclaims, “Sex is a lot of work!”

My jaw drops, like some tweaked cartoon character, and I look at her dumbfounded for a few. Finally, “You think you’re worked over,” I say, “What about me?”

After all, I was the worker bee doing most of the strenuous stuff.

It’s like trying to figure out which is getting more punishment: the nail or the board it’s going into. I say the nail every time, but maybe I’m biased.

Now, mind you, I hadn’t experienced a workout of this magnitude since that dumbass 9th grade President’s Physical Fitness Exam. And, it makes me curious, so I ask her: “Why do women always like to get pummeled?”

She guffaws, loves the verbage, and what follows is an in-depth rap session (if only Dr. Phil allowed this much candor).

Dr. Phil: So, tell the studio audience, what is your problem?

Guest: Well, Doc, I’m just trying to figure out why women like to get f*cked really hard.

(Cue bouncers.)

My companion starts by asking me if this is a common phenomenon with other sexual partners. I smile, in the affirmative, and tell her that “harder” is one of the more common words that comes out of their mouths. I then ask her if that’s how she always likes it – rough-and-tumble. She wastes no time in answering: “Yup, the more aggressive the better.”

A quick tour through past sexual escapades and something definitely sticks out: I have to guestimate that at least half of my sexual partners weren’t able to climax unless I was nailing away at them as if I were working on the railroad all the livelong day.

Is this you, ladies? Do you find you love to hear the sound of the bed slamming against the wall like a 7.2 earthquake is rocking it? What about you, guys? How many times have you been there? Your tool helping to split apart California’s San Andreas Fault?

Speaking for myself, I often prefer the slow, deep-thrust method. Because, I tend to believe that the incredible sensation of warmth you ladies make us feel, once we’re inside, is quickly erased when we start frantically mining for oil like a twanging, 10-gallon-hat-wearing Texan tycoon.

Then all there is is worry: Are you OK? Jesus, am I killing her? Should I call 911? Help! They never taught us this in school. And, maybe instead of the President’s Physical Fitness Exam, they should have. Oh right, it was called Sex-Ed, and a lot we learned in there: “This is the vagina and this is the penis. They make babies. Class dismissed.”

Speaking of Sex-Ed, if you have an inkling to explore your sexuality beyond Men’s Health or Cosmo, I recommend Robin Baker’s compelling book, Sperm Wars. Here’s a quote:

“Rough-and-tumble sex play is a common element in the courtship of humans and many other animals…Such behavior has many facets, and all of them involve an interplay between mate selection by females and the display of quality by males …On average, men who are physically able to overcome the final defenses of a female and achieve insemination leave more offspring than those who are not.”

Now you know why a favorite female fantasy is based on rape play – of course, by someone who looks like Antonio Banderas. Damn that Antonio!

My only criticism is that everything Baker speaks of points to our instinctual motives. He focuses entirely on the “boning gene” and, in the process, neglects our alleged ability to rise to an Oprah kind of love.

But maybe, in reality, rough sex is just a thin veil disguising another truth: Men and women have become so confused with our roles, that we have a difficult time being intimate with one another.

Is “Love” just another four-letter word for F-U-C-K?

I was playing antsy channel surfer on a recent weekend afternoon, and there it was again, everywhere, following me around, haunting me, at every channel I landed on: one of those awfully embarrassing commercials where the middle-aged men are acting atrociously lame. You know the ones, where the geeks are hopping, skipping, jumping and smiling like they won a gold medal in the Doofus Triple Jump?

Honestly speaking, it was a high I could just not fathom. But for some reason, on this day, the sport started to peak my interest (call it great marketing, or brainwashing, whatever). I began to wonder, what if…I was actually missing out on being under the influence of something — legal — that could have that kind of effect on me? BOING. HOP, SKIP, JUMP!

Now, it wasn’t like I have ever experienced ED, erectile dysfunction, before. (I have experienced BED, on more than one occasion, after a short “go at it,” and then an episode of Sportscenter, but nothing approaching the levels it looks like these tools in the commercials have.) But there was something about seeing these overblown caricatures, probably one too many times, with these “I just won the libido lottery” looks etched upon their mugs. Something that started to hook me, and make me think that I might like to try it. Because maybe, just maybe, sex could only get better?

There was one slight snafu: Me, equals approaching middle-age with no wife or girlfriend to have a “go at it” with.

Consequently, I saw only one solution — other than auctioning off my little experiment on eBay. I would have to hire out. But, then, of course, I realized I could get arrested. And wouldn’t that be an embarrassing way to spend a night in jail?

“Bubba, meet your cellmate: Erection Man!”

So, after much careful deliberation, I decided on taking the safer route. I would do something I was superb at. I would fantasize. I would speculate on whom I might like to hire out, in my celluloid dreams. That’s right, my movie whores if I was juiced on Viagra.

Elizabeth Shue – Leaving Las Vegas, 1995

After the lack of times the adorable Liz actually had sex with Nicholas Cage’s character, Ben Sanderson, you would think that she would be ready to make up for lost time, and be raring to get jiggy with a man on a male enhancer — and not even all up in my face with that usual hooker caveat: “one come and you’re done” shit.

No, Lizzy and I would make mad passionate whoopee for hours on end, and then, instead of leaving Las Vegas, we would head to the Graceland Chapel and Elvis would join us in holy matrimony. Voila! Instant sequel: Staying in Las Vegas and F*cking Our Brains Out.

Joan Chen – The Hunted, 1995

I’m sure the alluring Joan thought sex with her ninja-assassin boyfriend was exhilarating because he was such a dangerous figure. But she probably didn’t expect him to get all kinky and chop her head off, now, did she?

I can assure Joan, if her and I got down-and-dangerous, I would be lethal too, and stab and stab at her, but it wouldn’t be with my samurai sword. Sure, she might be walking a little funny the next morning, but at least when I showed her the door, she wouldn’t be walking out headless.

Madeleine Stowe, Drew Barrymore – Bad Girls, 1994

What’s not to love about four prostitutes from the Old West who hit the trail to Oregon in pursuit of a life without assholes in it? Yes, I am leaving two out of the four out, Mary Stuart Masterson and the very bland Andie MacDowell. Because Masterson looks like a lesbo, and MacDowell probably wouldn’t register a single emotion even if she was being sat on by one of the Weinstein Brothers.

Now, Madeleine Stowe and Drew Barrymore, there’s a pair I’d like to dig my spurs into. Of course, I’d ask that they leave their six-shooters at the door, because the only thing that would be shooting, in this situation, is my trusty turbo-charged pocket rocket.

Melanie Griffith – Milk Money, 1994

In this non-award winning contender, sultry Melanie meets some sweet boys who pool their money so they can bicycle to the Big City and hire themselves a hooker. Of course, Mel has such a heart of gold that she winds up going home with them and ends up living in one of the boy’s tree house. Ain’t that romantic?

OK, I find nothing wrong with having Mel come and live in my tree house — if I had one — and me climbing the rope ladder whenever the boner was living large. But when her pimp came to take her back, as happened in the movie, and her lips started looking like something out of a Dyan Cannon horror film, that’s when I’d draw the line and leave it to Antonio to save the day.

Julia Roberts – Pretty Woman, 1990

Well, what can I say? First of all, no, I am no match for the Richard Gere’s of this world (this homie don’t play with gerbils). But there is one thing I could do for Julia. Something which may even cause me to start going to her movies again — I would wipe that one-note acting, trillion-dollar smile right off her face.

A week with me — instead of Gere — and a bottle of Viagra, and Julia wouldn’t be looking quite so pretty. She would most likely be as mussed up and haggard looking as, shocker, a real hooker.

But who needs a real hooker when all we’re doing is fantasizing?

“Fantasize your pole being vaulted by me, Papi.”

*

Hey! Have you played Favorite Porn Titles yet?

Name the most exotic place you’ve eaten sushi at. Now think about adding a naked model and eating the raw goods off her bare midriff and you’d have exotic to the umpteenth power, a delectable feast fit for a king. Such is the art of Body Sushi.

The custom first originated in Japan — where it is known as nyotaimori — and legend has the idea springing from the first prime minister of Japan. But nowadays the tradition is largely associated with the yakuza and prostitution.

Enter American chef Gary Arabia who “borrowed” nyotaimori in the late ‘90s and called it Body Sushi. It quickly became a media sensation in the states and put Arabia’s chef’s hat on the map. He has since has catered events across the country, and as far away as Asia. His company charges a bare minimum of $5,000, just to get the conversation going, and they have topped out in the area of $80,000.

“But it’s not stupid money,” says Arabia.

Which translates into: you’re not throwing your cash away. You’re paying for the privilege of a “sensual culinary performance piece.”

Arabia says he is very particular who he creates his foodart for, and that he has turned down several bachelor parties because he thinks of Body Sushi as exotic, not erotic.

Like any creative master, Arabia is always taking risks in an effort to hatch the next big idea. A few years ago, through the process of Body Sushi, Arabia’s Body Chocolate was born. But sorry, boys, no touching, or licking cocoa off the models. Instead, the beauties are bathed (read: dyed) in chocolate and basically stand guard over the chocolate fountains.

Arabian’s models most be able to lie still for up to two and a half hours at a time, and they are handpicked from employees who already work at Arabian’s Global Cuisine in West Hollywood, i.e., actresses and models waiting for their big break.

The question is: will a producer be able to recognize the model’s talent when they’re busy staring at a fuzzy navel?

“Let’s see Willy Wonka make this, bitches.”

Question: Hey Randy, can you tell me if it’s ok to have my girl gang-banged by a few of my friends? She’s always talking about her rape fantasies, so I figure, what’s the harm, right? LOL.

– Charlie from St. Louie

Answer: She must be a keeper, huh, Charlie? Or, you must. When you say “a few,” are we talking three? Or the whole soccer team? If your answer is:

A) Three, I would say, sure, go for it. What does she have to lose? Odds are, she may get a penis, or three, bigger than yours. What’s the harm, right? (LOL.) Only that she might leave your ass for one of them.

If your answer is:

B) The whole soccer team, well now, here’s where you’re getting into issues which could turn legal, as in: illegal. As in rape, and being written about on an episode of Law and Order.

Sure, she might HAVE rape fantasies, but that doesn’t mean she wants to act them out! When has a woman ever meant what she said or said what she meant? You silly goose!

Honestly, here’s what we say AND mean: it’s probably not the best idea if you’re still planning on graduating from the city college and making a living at the Home Depot and getting married and having kids with her one day and trying to explain to them how you’re not sure if it was the left wing or the goalie who knocked mommy up.

Hope you get your kicks, kid

Randy Guy

“I punctured her boobies! I punctured her boobies!”

Send Randy your question to randyATtheguyreport.com

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K: Oh, god, no.

TGR: What’s the first time it ever crossed your mind?

K. Oh my god. The first time?

TGR: Yes.

K: I think everybody thinks about it in the back of their minds, to a certain extent. Everybody always kind of wonders what it would be like. But I can’t say exactly when was the first time, because I’m a horny girl and I’ve been watching porn forever.

TGR: Since you were how old?

K: I have no idea…maybe like, fifteen.

TGR: Okay, go on.

K: It was never that far off to me. Like I don’t think I shocked too many people.

K: Oh, yeah. My mom just found it.

TGR: Recently?

K: Yes.
TGR: And how long have you been doing it?

K: I’ve been doing it for, like, a little after I got married, like, five months. And I wanted to wait until I was doing something really nice, or a feature. She knows that my husband does it, so she probably knew that I was gonna do it. But I wanted to wait until I was doing something nice and pretty. And somebody walks into her work with a movie called Who’s Your Daddy? And she shows her the box and says: ‘Does this girl look familiar to you?’

TGR: Wait, wait. You were on the box of Who’s Your Daddy?

K: Yeah.

TGR: And someone at her work brought it into her? Is this a true story?

K: (sounding bummed just remembering it). Yes.

TGR: So mom called you right away…

K: Mom called me and…

TGR: How long did it take her to call you?

K: Oh, God, I don’t know. Like the next day. And they gave her a copy of it. And she was like: ‘I don’t want to watch this.’ So her friends watched it…

RC: And you were doing daddy?

K: No! My husband.

TGR: Played the daddy role?

K: Yes.

TGR: Okay.

K: It’s not even like that. It’s like, you know… (In man’s tone) Who’s your daddy? (Answering in little girl tone, which she does much better): Yeah, daddy, I like it like that.

Or whatever. It’s not really like playing your father.

TGR: What’s your pay?

K: Mine’s kind of higher than, I guess, a lot of girls. For a boy/girl, $1200, for girl/girl, $800. Most people get six for a girl/girl.

TGR: And that’s a day?

K: That’s a scene.

TGR: How many days a week do you work?

K: I don’t like to work more than once a week. Because I’m just trying to take it slow right now and build up a name – and not to get shot out real quick. Because I only work with my husband.

TGR: You won’t work with other guys?

K: I don’t want to.

TGR: How about women?

K: Oh, yeah, I work with other girls. I just don’t want to work with any other men.

TGR: Because you don’t have any desire to? Or you think it might mess up your relationship?

K: I don’t have any desire to. And I don’t want to take the chance of it fucking our relationship up. Which I don’t think it would, anyway, because we have a very, very strong relationship. If, some day, it came up, and I wanted to do it, I don’t think it would be something he would hold me back from. Like, he wants me to experience everything. It’s just not something I’m into.

TGR: Do you guys experiment outside of the film world?

K: What do you mean? Do we hook-up with other chicks?

TGR: Yeah, exactly.

K: I hook-up with tons of other chicks.

TGR: Is he involved?

K: He sometimes videotapes it.

TGR: Wait. How many chicks do you hook up with?

K: Tons of them.

TGR: Really?

K: Yeah.

TGR: How old are you?

K: 23.

TGR: And how many girls have you been with?

K: I can’t count that high.

TGR: Give me like an average. Over 50?

K: No. I started hooking up with girls when I came out to California.

TGR: You see what California does to people?

K: Well, no, because I always wanted to, but girls were afraid of me. Like, back East, it’s not normal.

TGR: Come on, Massachusetts doesn’t have gay women?

K: Yeah, but that’s gay women. I don’t like gay women…

TGR: Okay.

K: …like butch-dykes.

TGR: What is the pleasure-factor in being with a woman?

K: I just think chicks are hot. And it’s not really a threat for my husband. I think it kind of just like makes you horny and makes you want to go home and f*ck your man. At the end of the day, a girl still needs a little dick.

TGR: A little dick or a big dick?

K: (realizes her faux-pas and laughs) A big dick. I think the girls kinda make you horny so you can go home and jump your man’s c*ck. That’s just how I feel.

TGR: So you do chicks as an aphrodisiac?

K: Oh, totally.

TGR: Do you have any specialties?

K: Ahhhh, I don’t think so. I haven’t been in here too long.

TGR: Would you like to have a specialty one day?

K: Yeah. To be the hottest chick ever.

TGR: That’s what you want to be?

K: Yeah.

TGR: And what are your limits?

K: Um, I don’t have too many limits.

TGR: Donkeys?

K: I draw the line at donkeys.

TGR: Okay, good.

K: But like, my anal, I’m going to hold out for a little while.

TGR: You haven’t had anal yet?

K: Um, not on film.

TGR: So why are you holding out?

K: Because you gotta keep something, to have longevity in your career. Like, if you just give everything up the first year…and when you do you’re gonna get shot out and no one is going to want to see anything anymore. We’ve already seen that, why am I going to pay to see it again? Same thing. When, you know, if you hold out on your anal, you can get more in the end.

TGR: No pun intended.

K: Yeah.

TGR: Where did you pick up that philosophy?

K: All my girlfriends basically. I was blessed to come into the industry with a lot of people who have a lot of knowledge about the porn industry, who’ve been in it for a while. They’re just very intelligent people, and have that longevity in their career, when they’ve been in it like for five years and they still work all the time.

TGR: And do you have like a time plan on when you’re going to give the anal up?

K: I don’t really have a time plan, just whenever it’s right. Probably like around the end of my career somewhere.

TGR: How old will you be when that happens?

K: I have no idea.

TGR: You don’t have plans for that?

K: I don’t know. Because it depends on how well my career is going. If my career’s not going so well, and I think I want to get out of it, and I want do something else…

TGR: Like?

K: I don’t know. Whatever I may want to do. Have kids, be a housewife (she laughs).

TGR: Okay.

K: Do make-up/hair, because that’s what I did before I came into the industry.

And, you know, I’ll do it then [anal], make a little extra cash. You know, for a little cushion. Then I’ll do something else. But for now, it seems to be going really well, and I don’t want to think about it, because I don’t want to jinx it or anything.

TGR: I hear ya.

K: I want to let it roll.

Read Part 2 of our Interview with a Pornstar.