How to Get Laid: Lesson 1

Posted by Mr. Guy April - 3 - 2011 - Sunday ADD COMMENTS

Guys,

We all need to get laid, it’s in our nature. So here’s the first installment in a continuing series of advice, stories and anecdotes that will help you grow your game.

Lesson 1:

You need to learn how to, first,  finesse a woman with your ways of the world, and, second, set about your plans to conquer her in the bedroom. And, while we’ll never truly be able to stop plotting and fantasizing about the Big Bonedown, this order shouldn’t be reversed.

Your focus, early on in the game (18-30) should be to: develop your ways of the world. Take time for this crucial aspect in shaping the overall you, and you’ll easily lap your male opponents in the long run. In fact, you’ll have so much p*ssy at your door that you’ll be inviting your neighbors over for “sloppy seconds,” and thirds. Fourths, anyone?

What the hell are “ways of the world”? Pretty much everything that is going to give you dimension and versatility and make you an MVP in, not only the game of p*ssy, but, the game of life (which, you’ll find, when you get a little older, is a far bigger stage).

Your game should consist of:

  • Knowledge – About more than her bra size, and how to accumulate more fake friends on Twitter. Learn things, man!
  • Physicality – Get it in f*cking shape. Stop waiting until tomorrow. Stop eating like sh*t. If you look good, you’re going to feel good, and so will she, about you. Here’s our article about how to trim weight fast.
  • Culture – You gotta go deeper than American Idol and the Spike Channel. Talking indie films and music, history of Midget Art in the 20th Century, this kind of thing. No! Not Midget Art (though there’s nothing wrong with it!), but culture, man, get out and read some cool publications and get turned on to it! Nerdy, smart chicks are the BEST in bed.
  • Talent – What do you do? No. What do you do? Do you do anything besides what it is that you do? If you don’t, you need to start doing. Take the sailing class, learn the extra language, climb the highest peak, live for something other than her…well, you know, p*ssy.

BTW, I highly recommend you learn how to play an instrument, guitar  would be a good start.  It’s worked well for me! It’s the “sensitivity” thing that they really go in for. And, yeah, “sensitivity” works well to get laid, but it only goes so far. You’ll still need to learn HOW to f*ck the sh*t out of them after you’ve made them cry.

Upcoming: How to Get Laid: Lesson 2 “What She Really Wants in Bed.” Hint: It’s not a pet monkey and some Cheetos.

monkey-with-a-pet-cat

Pussy: “Um, you sure you want to put that Cheeto up my bum?”

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Morning Head

Posted by Mr. Guy September - 11 - 2010 - Saturday ADD COMMENTS

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Lying in bed this morning watching USA hoops team, game finally put out of reach by Kevin Durant (the rest of you guys suck!), and I get this from my overnight playmate: “I’m going to give you morning head.”

Well, how do you respond to that?

“Um, ok.” “Sure.” “If you must.”

Could there be a better way to start a Saturday morning? Before moving on to the awesome sports day yet to come: total convergence! Baseball, Basketball, Football, Tennis. Are you f-ing kidding me? Every day should be like today. Sports and bj’s, can’t beat ‘em.

- Guy “Back in the Saddle” Rapport.

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“Guys only want one thing!”

Posted by Mr. Guy January - 21 - 2010 - Thursday 1 COMMENT

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It’s been uttered by a gazillion women in a gazillion different languages, “Guys only want one thing!” Here’s my reply to the gazillion women (I wished I had loved before): “Well, yeah!”

This quote from sci-fi writer Cory Doctorow, in the book Free by Chris Anderson, makes me realize guys aren’t a lot different from, well, in this case, (sorry, guys, I know they’re not too macho) dandelions. WTF? Drumroll, please:

“The disposition of each–or even most–of the seeds isn’t the important thing, from a dandelion’s point of view. The important thing is that every spring, every crack in every pavement is filled with dandelions. The dandelion doesn’t want to nurse a single precious copy of itself in hopes that it will leave the nest and carefully navigate its way to the optimum growing environment, there to perpetuate the line. The dandelion just wants to be sure that every single opportunity for reproduction is exploited!”

Trust me, a guy’s instinct is no different, we just put clothes over it and call it human.*

* Ladies, believe it or not, in your own precious way, you’re not part of the problem, you’re part of the solution. Now get with the program! We’ll need to get out and stretch our Inner Dandelion a little more often.

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The Hooker Question

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 22 - 2009 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS

The other hooker story of the week comes from a friend. We’ll call him Tommy. Tommy was going out with this woman for over a year and everything seemed to be sailing along just fine.

Tommy did confide to me that she had a few sexual issues, but other than that, it was pure bliss: there was talk of tying the knot, having babies, a white picket fence, a thick mortgage, blah, blah, blah.

Everything lovey-dovey, right? Until she pops the question: “Have you ever been with a hooker?”

Tommy felt that his relationship was really strong, built on solid trust. So he admitted he had been with a hooker, even though it was two years before he met His Girl.

But “his” Girl wasted no time cutting right to the metaphorical kick in the cajones:

“Get out you disgusting pig! I’m sick to my stomach I was even with you…I could never be with someone who was with a hooker!”

Tommy wanted to talk about it, but she would have no part of it – there’s the door buddy, don’t let it hit you on the ass on the way out.

He tried to phone after D-Day, but she never returned his calls. Ever. (Cue Violins, please.)

Hypothetical: If this is how a lot of women would respond to the answer, then a lot of guys are in trouble, and forewarned: Honesty might not always be the best policy.

And now there’s several of you who are saying: “Not me. I’d never pay for it.”

Well you know what, dude? We’ve all paid for it before, it’s just been under another guise. Ever heard of wining and dining someone?

But, f*ck that, I’m not talking about relationships here. I’m talking about one thing: getting laid. Sometimes that’s all we want to do, right? And sometimes it’s simpler, if you do just want to have sex, to pay someone who’s an “expert” at it.

“The beauty of a hooker,” says Tommy, “is that you don’t pay her to have sex with you, you pay her to leave afterwards.”

What relationship?

Let’s face it, Babes-For-Pay have been around for centuries for a reason: To appease our animal desires, period. I’m not sure who is taking advantage of whom. Or if anyone is taking advantage of anyone. Maybe, no matter what you think of it, it’s just a business deal between two folks. True, business isn’t always pretty.

BTW, the already forgotten Eliot Spitzer was no different than any man. All of us would love to have sex with Ashley Dupre. Unfortunately, for Spitzer, he was the one who had to leave afterwards — because the brain in his head, never measured up to the one in his penis.

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Interview With A Pornstar 2

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 22 - 2009 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS

TGR: Are you all natural?

K: Yes.

TGR: What’s your take on body modifications?

K: I would love to have my boobs done. But everyone tells me not to. I mean, I think it’s great, if you need it, but then when I see poor, little girls who are eighteen years old and they’re on their second nose job and going in to get their lips done, and they don’t need it, it makes me sad. Because these girls just have a bad body image and they probably shouldn’t be in the industry. They’re too young. I think, personally, in the industry, girls should be 21. But some people need it. I mean, if you have messed up boobs, by all means, get your implants.

TGR: And do you see that a lot in the industry? The young ones?

K: Oh yeah. But I think I want to get my boobs done in the next couple years. Because you need to change your look, also, to add longevity to your career when you can.

TGR: So will you do that before anal?

K: Yeah.

TGR: You’ll get your boobs done before you give up anal?

K: I think so. Well, actually I’m not sure. I have to play it by ear. But I think that comes with the new look, ya know?

TGR: What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever done in a project?

K: Oh…like on film?

TGR: Uh huh.

K: (in a lil school girl voice) Well, I don’t know…I guess it’s yet to come. I’m supposed to be doing a boy/girl/girl shoot with my husband. And I haven’t done that yet. So that will probably be the wildest.

TGR: Worst thing you ever had to do?

K: This really annoying porn actress named (name omitted to avoid catfight). She wouldn’t stop talking. She sweated profusely. She said don’t spit on my p*ssy, don’t pull my hair, don’t slap me…

TGR: Who are your role models.

K: My role models…that’s difficult. Probably like Gwen Stefani. She’s an amazing woman. You know, she’s always on top and she has a great fashion sense.

TGR: Always on top?

K: Like, she’s always in charge. In a man’s world, she wears the pants.

TGR: And you like wearing the pants?

K: I do.

TGR: And what does your husband think about that?

K: He doesn’t like that much. He definitely wears the pants in my house.

TGR: And Gwen’s strength?

K: I just admire that in a woman, her strength: she can walk out into a world full of men and just say ‘f*ck it.’ It’s very original. I admire originality in a person, someone who doesn’t follow what everybody else goes with.

TGR: What’s more gratifying, real sex or porn sex?

K: Real sex.

TGR: How often do you fake orgasms in porn sex?

K: Pretty much all of them. There’s only been a couple where I’ve had orgasms. It’s hard, because it’s still a very personal thing. I came on Spice Hotel. But it’s hard. You’re not performing in a comfortable position. Where, like, at home, you’re on top, or on your back, you can get yourself in a position where you know your body is going to be comfortable to come. On set, your legs are behind your head, and your other leg’s out to the side, and you have to open up for camera. And that’s not always your most comfortable position. So, that’s why. And all the hot lights, and gawking and cameramen.

TGR: What’s your least favorite thing about the biz?

K: Sh*tty make-up artists. You need to have a good make-up artist to feel good, to feel pretty, to feel sexy and all that. Now I bring my own make-up kit with me.

TGR: Do you have sex longer with a woman or a man?

K: It depends on who it is. I’ve never had sex with anyone longer than my husband.

TGR: What do women do better than men?

K: A lot of times they kiss better. And they just have more of a gentle touch. They’re more, like, sensitive. Guys just kind of tend to go in for the kill.

TGR: How are women treated in the porn business?

K: They’re treated, I guess you could say, the way they put themselves out there to be treated. Like, if you act like a blonde bimbo, that’s how you’re going to get treated. But then there are girls who command respect, and they command respect from other people. And they get it. Girls pretty much get anything they want in life. So however you want to be treated is the way you’re gonna get treated.

TGR: Do you think porn objectifies women or empowers them?

K: Empowers.

TGR: You’ve never seen a woman being used by the industry?

K: Um, I definitely have. And that’s why I think it should be 21 and over, because the girls don’t know how to make decisions for themselves. Or, they do know how to make decisions for themselves, but they’re just idiots and they let other people influence them. Their minds aren’t mature enough. So, when someone says: come do this DP scene, and this poor, little 18-year-old girl is like ‘oh, well, I don’t know if I want to do this.’ ‘If you don’t do this, your career is going to be screwed…’ ‘Well, okay.’

TGR: Would you support a daughter who wants to be in the business?

K: I would support my children, no matter what they want to do. Because, that’s how my mom is with me.

TGR: How many girls do you meet that came out to L.A. to be actresses and wound up being porn stars?

K: None.

TGR: How many porn stars want to be actresses?

K: A lot of them. Ninety something percent.

TGR: Have you taken any acting lessons?

K: No. But I did drama and theater and stuff like that in high school. But porn actresses aren’t always the best actresses.

TGR: Shocker.

Interview with a Pornstar 1.

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Sex Tips 1

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 22 - 2009 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS

OK, in one sense, women have it easy: all they have to do is lie there while we fiddle with the tool. Sometimes that fiddling can be downright frustrating. How can you play an easier tune and keep it up until the record stops?

4 Tips For a Longer Erection

1. Slow Down

You’re moving too fast. Must avoid the sensation of wanting to ejaculate too soon. This happens when you start out too quickly, too hard, and too fast. Or, as the Coors Light Twins have called it: too Fast & Furious. This is not going to impress the ladies, whether they’re twins or not.

Suggestion: Take a warm-up lap, start slow, let the muscles (or: muscle) find their groove. When you begin slowly, and gradually increase your pace, you’ll be amazed how your stamina improves.

Also, it’s important that you learn to ride the Ejaculation Wave: when it’s about to crash, pull back and take a little breather. This is the time to engage your hands, lips, toes — oh my. Hint: Make the moment last.

2. Take a Piss

WTF? You know that thing women love called foreplay? Well, it’s foreplay for them, it’s hardplay for us. Because we’re sitting there wanting to spring into action and get out of the gates, well, too fast and furiously. (It hurts, ladies. “Let’s get it on, already!”)

Just before you feel she’s about to open those gates, excuse yourself to take a No. 1 (note: a No. 2 would probably not be appropriate in this situation). It sounds weird, we know, but you’ll be amazed how it’ll feel like starting all over.

3. Practice, Practice, Practice

You know that thing men love called masturbation? Use the time to master your stroke. So when you get in the real game, you’ll be ready to swing for the fences. Actually, she’ll make sure you’re starting out with singles and doubles. Once again: Let’s get it on, already!

4. Viagra

Viva Viagra! That has to be the lamest commercial ever. Does the shit actually work? Who knows. We haven’t tried it. You probably shouldn’t either, until you’re well into your 40′s or 50′s or unless you’ve been married for too long (a year) and the passion is dried up. Because there’s nothing like a flaccid penis to say “don’t love you anymore.”

P.S. If you experience more than a 4-hour erection consult your nearest porn producer, a career change might be in order.

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5 Ways To Tell A Guy Wants To Have Sex

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 21 - 2009 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS

1. He’s awake.

2. He’s awake and drunk.

3. He’s awake and drunk and trying to cram dollar bills into your crevices.

4. He’s awake and drunk and trying to cram dollar bills into your crevices and he doesn’t even know you’re a dude.

5. Did we mention he’s awake?

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Sex Tips 2

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 21 - 2009 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS

If you’re thinking about knocking on her backdoor…

Think twice. There are some girls who love it. But others who will never talk to you again if you try it.

What’s she worth to you? Is she a possible keeper? If so, delay the backdoor plunge until you get to know her better, i.e., build some respect with one another. If she’s not a keeper?

F-ck the respect. What do you have to lose?

But don’t just try to force yourself in like you’re Louie Anderson at the All You Can Eat Jenny Craig Buffet.

Finesse,” bro.

There’s actually an easy way to tell if she likes ass play. Softly probe around down there with your fingers. A moan translates to: Yes please, continue with your probing. And, if she grabs your fingers, you’ll know to withdraw from the cookie jar. No treats for you.

If we’re talking about spanking, a totally different story…

When she was a child, did her parents…No, no, no, stop right there! We’re not getting into this Freudian crap (no pun intended).

Spanking…

Try a real light one on her cheek when she’s riding you. Once again, she’ll let you know if you have the green light to go further, i.e., harder.

And, the grand finale?

We gotta tell you, it’s a little weird going there. True, it’s a tighter environment for Mr. Happy, but it just feels kind of strange when it’s over. Like you just watched a David Lynch film (and you weren’t even high!) and you have no f-ing clue what just happened.

“Your penis has doo-doo on it, that’s what just happened.”

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Sex Tips 3

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 21 - 2009 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS

Here’s a quickie. Want to learn how to give your girl better oral?

It’s easy. Watch some girl-on-girl porn and study their tongue technique. Better yet, participate in some girl-on-girl porn, possibly with a camera, and get the firsthand experience.

Lastly, don’t try to devour the thing whole. You might get indigestion. And she might get a new guy who actually knows his way around down there.

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Favorite Porn Titles 7

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 21 - 2009 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS

Hey, the weekend’s so cool, because we get to play “Favorite Porn Titles!”

If you’ve been following along at home, you’ll know that the first installment of “Favorite Porn Titles!” was called No. 9, and the second was called No. 8. Don’t ask. Just know: this is the third installment, and you’re supposed to decide which 5 titles are real, and which are made up:

1. Dominatrix’s With Dicks 3
Sexy transsexuals put the hurt on unsuspecting men.

2. 100 Percent Organic Melons 6
Well-endowed women expose themselves.

3. 14 Inch Hole Stuffer
Slutty women prepare for the ultimate sex challenges.

4. She Barks Like a Dog 7
Canine-friendly women become attached to their masters.

5. Massive Meaty Members 6
Studs with massive members.

6.America’s Got Herpes
Talented hotties see who can go the longest without spreading their disease.

7 Chica Booty Banger 2
Puerto Rican and Spanish babes take it hard.

8. Chubby Facesitters 8
They’re large-and-in-charge and out to have fun.

9. Gonzo Geisha
Young and tasty Asian beauties are eager to gush on command.

10. Brooklyn Butt Boys 9*
Tough street kids are forced to learn the hard way.

Real: 2, 3, 5, 7, 9
Not-real: 1, 4, 6, 8, 10

* We understand John Travolta has an un-billed cameo, as does Harvey Keitel’s ass. Go ahead, click on that.

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