The other hooker story of the week comes from a friend. We’ll call him Tommy. Tommy was going out with this woman for over a year and everything seemed to be sailing along just fine.

Tommy did confide to me that she had a few sexual issues, but other than that, it was pure bliss: there was talk of tying the knot, having babies, a white picket fence, a thick mortgage, blah, blah, blah.

Everything lovey-dovey, right? Until she pops the question: “Have you ever been with a hooker?”

Tommy felt that his relationship was really strong, built on solid trust. So he admitted he had been with a hooker, even though it was two years before he met His Girl.

But “his” Girl wasted no time cutting right to the metaphorical kick in the cajones:

“Get out you disgusting pig! I’m sick to my stomach I was even with you…I could never be with someone who was with a hooker!”

Tommy wanted to talk about it, but she would have no part of it – there’s the door buddy, don’t let it hit you on the ass on the way out.

He tried to phone after D-Day, but she never returned his calls. Ever. (Cue Violins, please.)

Hypothetical: If this is how a lot of women would respond to the answer, then a lot of guys are in trouble, and forewarned: Honesty might not always be the best policy.

And now there’s several of you who are saying: “Not me. I’d never pay for it.”

Well you know what, dude? We’ve all paid for it before, it’s just been under another guise. Ever heard of wining and dining someone?

But, f*ck that, I’m not talking about relationships here. I’m talking about one thing: getting laid. Sometimes that’s all we want to do, right? And sometimes it’s simpler, if you do just want to have sex, to pay someone who’s an “expert” at it.

“The beauty of a hooker,” says Tommy, “is that you don’t pay her to have sex with you, you pay her to leave afterwards.”

What relationship?

Let’s face it, Babes-For-Pay have been around for centuries for a reason: To appease our animal desires, period. I’m not sure who is taking advantage of whom. Or if anyone is taking advantage of anyone. Maybe, no matter what you think of it, it’s just a business deal between two folks. True, business isn’t always pretty.

BTW, the already forgotten Eliot Spitzer was no different than any man. All of us would love to have sex with Ashley Dupre. Unfortunately, for Spitzer, he was the one who had to leave afterwards — because the brain in his head, never measured up to the one in his penis.

TGR: Are you all natural?

K: Yes.

TGR: What’s your take on body modifications?

K: I would love to have my boobs done. But everyone tells me not to. I mean, I think it’s great, if you need it, but then when I see poor, little girls who are eighteen years old and they’re on their second nose job and going in to get their lips done, and they don’t need it, it makes me sad. Because these girls just have a bad body image and they probably shouldn’t be in the industry. They’re too young. I think, personally, in the industry, girls should be 21. But some people need it. I mean, if you have messed up boobs, by all means, get your implants.

TGR: And do you see that a lot in the industry? The young ones?

K: Oh yeah. But I think I want to get my boobs done in the next couple years. Because you need to change your look, also, to add longevity to your career when you can.

TGR: So will you do that before anal?

K: Yeah.

TGR: You’ll get your boobs done before you give up anal?

K: I think so. Well, actually I’m not sure. I have to play it by ear. But I think that comes with the new look, ya know?

TGR: What’s the wildest thing you’ve ever done in a project?

K: Oh…like on film?

TGR: Uh huh.

K: (in a lil school girl voice) Well, I don’t know…I guess it’s yet to come. I’m supposed to be doing a boy/girl/girl shoot with my husband. And I haven’t done that yet. So that will probably be the wildest.

TGR: Worst thing you ever had to do?

K: This really annoying porn actress named (name omitted to avoid catfight). She wouldn’t stop talking. She sweated profusely. She said don’t spit on my p*ssy, don’t pull my hair, don’t slap me…

TGR: Who are your role models.

K: My role models…that’s difficult. Probably like Gwen Stefani. She’s an amazing woman. You know, she’s always on top and she has a great fashion sense.

TGR: Always on top?

K: Like, she’s always in charge. In a man’s world, she wears the pants.

TGR: And you like wearing the pants?

K: I do.

TGR: And what does your husband think about that?

K: He doesn’t like that much. He definitely wears the pants in my house.

TGR: And Gwen’s strength?

K: I just admire that in a woman, her strength: she can walk out into a world full of men and just say ‘f*ck it.’ It’s very original. I admire originality in a person, someone who doesn’t follow what everybody else goes with.

TGR: What’s more gratifying, real sex or porn sex?

K: Real sex.

TGR: How often do you fake orgasms in porn sex?

K: Pretty much all of them. There’s only been a couple where I’ve had orgasms. It’s hard, because it’s still a very personal thing. I came on Spice Hotel. But it’s hard. You’re not performing in a comfortable position. Where, like, at home, you’re on top, or on your back, you can get yourself in a position where you know your body is going to be comfortable to come. On set, your legs are behind your head, and your other leg’s out to the side, and you have to open up for camera. And that’s not always your most comfortable position. So, that’s why. And all the hot lights, and gawking and cameramen.

TGR: What’s your least favorite thing about the biz?

K: Sh*tty make-up artists. You need to have a good make-up artist to feel good, to feel pretty, to feel sexy and all that. Now I bring my own make-up kit with me.

TGR: Do you have sex longer with a woman or a man?

K: It depends on who it is. I’ve never had sex with anyone longer than my husband.

TGR: What do women do better than men?

K: A lot of times they kiss better. And they just have more of a gentle touch. They’re more, like, sensitive. Guys just kind of tend to go in for the kill.

TGR: How are women treated in the porn business?

K: They’re treated, I guess you could say, the way they put themselves out there to be treated. Like, if you act like a blonde bimbo, that’s how you’re going to get treated. But then there are girls who command respect, and they command respect from other people. And they get it. Girls pretty much get anything they want in life. So however you want to be treated is the way you’re gonna get treated.

TGR: Do you think porn objectifies women or empowers them?

K: Empowers.

TGR: You’ve never seen a woman being used by the industry?

K: Um, I definitely have. And that’s why I think it should be 21 and over, because the girls don’t know how to make decisions for themselves. Or, they do know how to make decisions for themselves, but they’re just idiots and they let other people influence them. Their minds aren’t mature enough. So, when someone says: come do this DP scene, and this poor, little 18-year-old girl is like ‘oh, well, I don’t know if I want to do this.’ ‘If you don’t do this, your career is going to be screwed…’ ‘Well, okay.’

TGR: Would you support a daughter who wants to be in the business?

K: I would support my children, no matter what they want to do. Because, that’s how my mom is with me.

TGR: How many girls do you meet that came out to L.A. to be actresses and wound up being porn stars?

K: None.

TGR: How many porn stars want to be actresses?

K: A lot of them. Ninety something percent.

TGR: Have you taken any acting lessons?

K: No. But I did drama and theater and stuff like that in high school. But porn actresses aren’t always the best actresses.

TGR: Shocker.

Interview with a Pornstar 1.

OK, in one sense, women have it easy: all they have to do is lie there while we fiddle with the tool. Sometimes that fiddling can be downright frustrating. How can you play an easier tune and keep it up until the record stops?

4 Tips For a Longer Erection

1. Slow Down

You’re moving too fast. Must avoid the sensation of wanting to ejaculate too soon. This happens when you start out too quickly, too hard, and too fast. Or, as the Coors Light Twins have called it: too Fast & Furious. This is not going to impress the ladies, whether they’re twins or not.

Suggestion: Take a warm-up lap, start slow, let the muscles (or: muscle) find their groove. When you begin slowly, and gradually increase your pace, you’ll be amazed how your stamina improves.

Also, it’s important that you learn to ride the Ejaculation Wave: when it’s about to crash, pull back and take a little breather. This is the time to engage your hands, lips, toes — oh my. Hint: Make the moment last.

2. Take a Piss

WTF? You know that thing women love called foreplay? Well, it’s foreplay for them, it’s hardplay for us. Because we’re sitting there wanting to spring into action and get out of the gates, well, too fast and furiously. (It hurts, ladies. “Let’s get it on, already!”)

Just before you feel she’s about to open those gates, excuse yourself to take a No. 1 (note: a No. 2 would probably not be appropriate in this situation). It sounds weird, we know, but you’ll be amazed how it’ll feel like starting all over.

3. Practice, Practice, Practice

You know that thing men love called masturbation? Use the time to master your stroke. So when you get in the real game, you’ll be ready to swing for the fences. Actually, she’ll make sure you’re starting out with singles and doubles. Once again: Let’s get it on, already!

4. Viagra

Viva Viagra! That has to be the lamest commercial ever. Does the shit actually work? Who knows. We haven’t tried it. You probably shouldn’t either, until you’re well into your 40’s or 50’s or unless you’ve been married for too long (a year) and the passion is dried up. Because there’s nothing like a flaccid penis to say “don’t love you anymore.”

P.S. If you experience more than a 4-hour erection consult your nearest porn producer, a career change might be in order.

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1. He’s awake.

2. He’s awake and drunk.

3. He’s awake and drunk and trying to cram dollar bills into your crevices.

4. He’s awake and drunk and trying to cram dollar bills into your crevices and he doesn’t even know you’re a dude.

5. Did we mention he’s awake?

If you’re thinking about knocking on her backdoor…

Think twice. There are some girls who love it. But others who will never talk to you again if you try it.

What’s she worth to you? Is she a possible keeper? If so, delay the backdoor plunge until you get to know her better, i.e., build some respect with one another. If she’s not a keeper?

F-ck the respect. What do you have to lose?

But don’t just try to force yourself in like you’re Louie Anderson at the All You Can Eat Jenny Craig Buffet.

“Finesse,” bro.

There’s actually an easy way to tell if she likes ass play. Softly probe around down there with your fingers. A moan translates to: Yes please, continue with your probing. And, if she grabs your fingers, you’ll know to withdraw from the cookie jar. No treats for you.

If we’re talking about spanking, a totally different story…

When she was a child, did her parents…No, no, no, stop right there! We’re not getting into this Freudian crap (no pun intended).

Spanking…

Try a real light one on her cheek when she’s riding you. Once again, she’ll let you know if you have the green light to go further, i.e., harder.

And, the grand finale?

We gotta tell you, it’s a little weird going there. True, it’s a tighter environment for Mr. Happy, but it just feels kind of strange when it’s over. Like you just watched a David Lynch film (and you weren’t even high!) and you have no f-ing clue what just happened.

“Your penis has doo-doo on it, that’s what just happened.”

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Here’s a quickie. Want to learn how to give your girl better oral?

It’s easy. Watch some girl-on-girl porn and study their tongue technique. Better yet, participate in some girl-on-girl porn, possibly with a camera, and get the firsthand experience.

Lastly, don’t try to devour the thing whole. You might get indigestion. And she might get a new guy who actually knows his way around down there.

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Hey, the weekend’s so cool, because we get to play “Favorite Porn Titles!”

If you’ve been following along at home, you’ll know that the first installment of “Favorite Porn Titles!” was called No. 9, and the second was called No. 8. Don’t ask. Just know: this is the third installment, and you’re supposed to decide which 5 titles are real, and which are made up:

1. Dominatrix’s With Dicks 3
Sexy transsexuals put the hurt on unsuspecting men.

2. 100 Percent Organic Melons 6
Well-endowed women expose themselves.

3. 14 Inch Hole Stuffer
Slutty women prepare for the ultimate sex challenges.

4. She Barks Like a Dog 7
Canine-friendly women become attached to their masters.

5. Massive Meaty Members 6
Studs with massive members.

6.America’s Got Herpes
Talented hotties see who can go the longest without spreading their disease.

7 Chica Booty Banger 2
Puerto Rican and Spanish babes take it hard.

8. Chubby Facesitters 8
They’re large-and-in-charge and out to have fun.

9. Gonzo Geisha
Young and tasty Asian beauties are eager to gush on command.

10. Brooklyn Butt Boys 9*
Tough street kids are forced to learn the hard way.

Real: 2, 3, 5, 7, 9
Not-real: 1, 4, 6, 8, 10

* We understand John Travolta has an un-billed cameo, as does Harvey Keitel’s ass. Go ahead, click on that.

Fav Porn Titles 6
Fav Porn Titles 7

It happens to every couple: sex gets boring, stale, routine, redundant, and, oh yeah, you can’t get it up. And, unfortunately, it starts you thinking of what life could be like on the other side. The side that doesn’t include your current main squeeze.

You feel like you’re not getting your needs met and you want to try another p*ssy on for size. But hold on there, partner, this is called real life. Not some fantasy movie bullshit. And before you make the call to scour the seas for another whiff of tuna, we’re here to offer up some suggestions for keeping your sex life vital. Thriving. Flourishing. Fun. But first, a quick refresher course on why you’re getting that stray cat feeling in the first place.

To simplify, stripped down to its bare component, sex is pretty much about one thing: survival, the desire to perpetuate the species. Sex in a relationship gets old when your instinct wakes up one day and says: “Hey, I’ve been humping her like a rabbit for six months and have nothing to show for it.” (We’re talking babies here.)

And that’s when the feeling arises, and you start thinking of the possibility of fertilizing other seeds. Simple enough right? But wait, one more thing to back up our simplicity theory. You know why problems (i.e. your flaccid penis) occur when using a condom? Because your “being” knows there is no chance in hell at impregnation.

Sometimes the mind can fool it — you know, you’re imagining banging a super model instead of your girlfriend — and the condom thing can work, but eventually shrinkage is going to occur. It’s in this same vein, tricking Mother Nature, that we offer up a few sexual suggestions.

Keeping it Honest

We all have our hidden kinks. And, if we hope to explore those areas with our significant others, it’s probably best to discuss them before they’re brought onto the playing field. (You can’t just come out of the closet with her garter belt on now, can you?)

It’s your call when the time for this conversation is appropriate. It may be lying in bed after a healthy orgasm (and before Sportscenter), or it may be at dinner with a bottle of wine between you.

DO NOT be timid. Ask her if she has any desires you haven’t yet explored together. When she shies away, YES, you go first. But start slow. Don’t go right for the kinkiest thought in your sick mind (read: leave the gerbils out of it for now). Say something like: “I’ve been thinking about role playing” and take it from there.

Believe us, unless she’s a total prude, she’ll bite — at which time you reel the conversation in naturally. If you’re already in bed, you might want to act on what you discover right then. You might have no choice, as Mr. Happy will probably be raring to go. If you’re having the talk over a bottle of wine, ask her if she’d like to delve into the areas discussed at a later point.

In either case, you shouldn’t jump right into the deep end.

Experimentation should be treated as a special ritual, it should be tantalizing, something which peaks your interest for a whole lot more.

Watering the Kink

Let’s say that one of her desires is to be dominated. Instead of jumping right in and cuffing her to the bedposts, equipping her with a ball gag and genital electrodes (which you can always work up to), once again, start slow. Let her taste the feeling of surrender, of being helpless.

An example would be to hold her hands firmly — yet not too rough — over her head when you’re entering her. You can then whisper something in her ear like “you’re mine now.” Then, see where it goes from there. It may be all you need to add that extra jolt of excitement to your play.

Or you may want to take it further, e.g., add a few light spankings. However, it’s imperative to discuss limits beforehand, because you don’t want to fuck up a good thing. And when dealing with something like BDSM, there are a ton of websites that offer proper guidance into the lifestyle.

But the main point is, regardless of what kinkisms you explore, take your time to water them properly. Let them grow and become a part of your relationship, not overwhelm it.

Beware the Threesome

You’re a guy, so, of course, the first thing out of your mouth when discussing turn-ons with your girl will be “threesome.” Don’t go there. Trust us. Usually best to go anywhere but there. This doesn’t rule out that you’ll never have a threesome. But if it is going to happen, best to let her be the one to initiate the action — unless you want it to be two guys and her. In which case, she’ll be right with you.

The reason for not bringing it up is simple: jealousy. She might be bi-curious. But if you try to push her into it by telling her how hot her best friend is, she might get her feelings hurt and you might be out on your ass. If she does think her best friend is hot, and she wants to play with her, she’ll find a way to let you know. If she thinks you’re aching for another chick to make your relationship livelier, what’s that saying about your satisfaction in her? It’s kind of a Zen thang: let go in order to receive.

*

You notice how we’ve made it this far without uttering that four letter word: L-O-V-E. And we suppose there’s a time and place for it. And that time is now. What is love? Ha! You expect us to answer that? Like we have any clue beyond the usual suspects. But we will tell you, after the sex fades, and the infatuation stage is over, that’s your window to explore what love may boil down to:

Companionship.

Sounds all mushy, we know. But if there is such a thing as a higher love, it’s rooted in learning how to care for our significant other, not banging the shit out of them. Although, hopefully, they still might enjoy that every so often.

*

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Attention: The first installment of Favorite Porn Titles was titled 9, the second 8, and the third 7. In other words, in case you suck at math, and have NO clue WTF we’re talking about, this is the fourth installment of our ongoing weekend series.

Your task is to guess which five titles are real, and which are phony.

1. Her First Big Whitie

“Beautiful women enjoy interracial passion.”

2. Great Cocks of Fire 6

“Hot firemen show off their poles.”

3. Farm Girls Gone Wild 3

“Sexy ranch hands expose more than farming techniques.”

4. Horny ASSraelis

“Middle Eastern women find nonstop passion.”

5. Ginormous Jugs 3

“Well-endowed hotties pop their tops and their cherries.”

6. Whore Wars 2

“Pimps show off their best assets.”

7. Catholic Whores Drink Cum 23

“Naughty school girls have a penance to pay.”

8. Do My Wife Please 55

“Wild women take new sexual partners.”

9. Long Dong Black Kong

“Young beauties enjoy interracial passion.”

10. Kansas City Cornholer

“Women are on high alert for a serial cornholer.” *

Real:1, 4, 5, 8, 9

Not real: 2, 3, 6, 7, 10

* If anyone has information that may lead to the capture of the cornholer, please contact: www.myasshurts.com. Go on, click on it.