“Repeat after us, humans: h1n1, h1n1…and again.”

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1. Bikes

Bike Capital of the World: 750,000 people, 600,000 bikes. Imagine the f-ing spokes! (BTW, the Dutch are the tallest people in the world.)

2. Dutch Women

She’s taller than you, dude, and she doesn’t give a shit what kind of car you drive. (American girls, take note!) She’s also seriously beautiful.

3. Outdoor Cafes

You need somewhere to sit to watch all the hotties on bikes go by! “Bi-cycle! Bi-cycle!”

4. Canals

Something deeply romantic about a canal. Get yourself a tall Dutch woman and a Heineken and you’re good to sing some Celine Dion — in Dutch, with subtitles!

5. Locals

When unlocals get lost (often!), the locals will always be there to give it their best shot. (And for 50 Euro…j/k)

6. Bacon

70% of the world’s bacon comes from Holland. Give me a “P”!

7. Museums

Per capita, the most museums of any city! Yes, even Sex & Weed Museums. “Wait, what museum were we going to again? And can we have sex there?”

8. Coffee Houses

Hint: Don’t let the word “coffee” fool you. When Howard Schultz figures this one out, he shall rule the free world.*

9. Parks

You’re going to need somewhere to trip, right? Where you don’t have to worry about Mr. Ranger bumming your scene out. (Because, most likely, Mr. Ranger is high, Boo-boo.)

10. Red Light District

Worth seeing, for the novelty, but only as a slight diversion (and the house “fucky-sucky,” if you’re into that kind of thing).

*The oldest coffeehouse is called Mellow Yellow (est. 1975), and it sits on a corner next to a school. The kids file by at recess, sweet, pungent smoke in the air. Big line at the ice cream shop next door. “Chocolate-Kush swirl, anyone?”

“I’ll take three!”

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Hey Guy:

I’m getting totally confused here, but what IS IT that women really want??? It’s so f’ing tiring trying to figure out.

- Confused Like Confucius, in Colorado

Hey Confused (unlike Confucius!):

You can pretty much sum up what women want in five words that begin with the letter C:

1. Cash
2. Cars
3. Cum
4. Care
5. Control

If they attain all five, look out, women rule the world. Until then, guys will keep trying to withhold every item except 3. But eventually, guys are gonna need “3″ so bad that they’ll be caving on the other four in order to earn it, and, before you know it, Sarah Palin is the ruler of the Free World. Though, not sure how free it’ll be then. But you’ll understand women a lot better, no?

READ: Hey Guy 1

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1. Teeth

Message to England: National Dental Care?

2. Accents

You’re not so on top of everything as you were, say, in the mid-18th century? How ’bout we lose the snobby accent, chaps? The only thing you’ve owned since, are a bunch of old buildings and Boy George – and he even manages to escape from time to time.

3. Food

Something is wrong when the best food comes with the name Pizza Hut.

4. Roads

A whole lifetime spent learning to look left before right and you gotta go f*ck it up for me in one day?

5. Melting Pot of the World

Makes for a very shrewd working population aching to suck you dry for whatever you have. Hep C, anyone?

6. Tourists

Even when I am one. Imagine that. “Oh, look! A tourist taking a picture of a tourist taking a picture of a tourist.”

7. Cheeky Attitude

You can grin and bare it all you like, chaps, but you may not have any more lovely teeth to grind before long. Emotion, anyone?

8. Futbol

Sorry, America will never bend it like anyone. We’re sticking with our Big 3. Britney, Lindsay & any Kardashian to be named in a trade later.

9. Surveillance

George Orwell’s 1984 taken to frightening 21st Century heights. No joke.

10. Weather

Wind, rain, snow, sleet with a good chance of being chilled to the bone.

Yup, talk about your Official Bone Chiller.

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1. American Idiot Premiere

Green Day takes aim at a Broadway with this Berkeley Rep premiere musical. I take aim at Off-Off-Off Fresno with my premiere musical American Turd.

2. Dodgers vs. Giants

Will Dodgers get to play spoilers to their hated rivals once again? How many yahoos will still be chanting “Beat L.A.!” long after the Giants have packed for Cancun?

3. Chargers vs. Raiders

Will I survive getting from the parking lot to the stadium? Haven’t been to pro football game in ages. That’s what happens when you have a-hole bureaucrats in charge of bringing professional football to the second biggest market in the country — or not, Los Angeles!

4. Because Asian people turn me on

Actually, their food turns me on. Fortune cookie say: Someone read this, think your honky-ass is prejudice.
5. Hetereo girls outnumber hetereo guys at least 5 to 1
Will I find action in the City of the Pink Triangle (not that there’s-). Seriously, I’ve been in SF before, and when I put the look on a woman there, she always seems to do a double-take. And it’s not because of the large hump on my back. Must be continually frustrating for SF gals to discern who has the eligible penises of the bunch.
6. Noel Coward’s Brief Encounter

The Brits are coming! The Brits are coming! God, I hope they’re funny.

7. Beach Blanket Babylon*

It’s like Gidget and Moon Doggie, but onstage. Or something like that. It’s billed as America’s longest-running musical revue. Jefferson and Franklin rumored to have gone there after signing Declaration of Indie.

8. Meet my oldest friend’s new born boy

And hope I don’t get puked on, or in a battle of who the kid looks like, the mom or pop? Um, the gardener?

9. SFMOMA
Because it wouldn’t be a vacation if I didn’t make fun of something pretentious in a museum. White Canvas with Polka Dots on Wall, anybody?

10. Single guys can’t play Beatles Rock Band by themselves
But they can prolong the summer a little while longer with a vacation to SF — not to mention, taking the time to learn how to play a real f-ing guitar.

* Dude, yeah, that’s a lot of theater, and the question has come up: the answer is NO, I’m not gay. Heteros, I am telling you, lots of good stuff to be had at the theater. You just need to give it a chance and forget the bad Shakespeare Experience you had at 7, when you had to sit through a 4-hour version of Titus Andronicus done in Mandarin accompanied by Steven Seagal on the didgeridoo.

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Monday, Monday, cant trust that day. Monday, Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way…

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Seriously. Once you’ve reached the Silhouette of Shit there’s no turning back. Junk it. Learn from the fertilizer, often your own. When you can admit that, and start to dredge it up, you’re on your way.

“Warp speed ahead: Must…reach…Oz…fest…soon.”

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Come on! Are you the most moronic advertisers in the history of “natural male enhancement?”

Brilliant Ad Exec: “Let’s give the spot a north pole, that’ll get the subtle message across!”

Natural alternative to “natural male enhancement”: Trade in the old model for something new and shinier that doesn’t bitch and moan quite as much.

The reason you can’t get it up with your Old Lady is pretty simple: Been there/done that, Darwin has left the building, procreation at an all-time “DON’T GO THERE!”

Moving on to either the younger model or a relationship based on something more than, well, Darwin. Possible?

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OK, big f-ing tease. Because, as some of you may have noticed, living is NOT SO F-ING easy right now, summertime or not (sorry We Are The World Bikini Girls).

But I’m gonna throw this out there. And it’s going to be a way better pitch than the one Lefty Obama threw out at the MLB All-Star game: We’re in a great place, America! Seriously. Hear me out. It’s not like I speak the word of the Carrot Top (“Eat your veggies! Don’t forget to tip your waitresses!”)

First, the Bad News: We have failed. Utterly failed. M.S.O. Maximum Society/System Overload.

The Good News: We can rebuild it. It’s not even that we can. It’s that we MUST!

It’s called adaptation, and we’re currently adapting as fast as we can so our chinny-chin-chins are able to stay above the quicksand. “Throw a brother a line, would ya?” Actually, I think we’re doing pretty well considering all the Doom&Gloom forecasts of just a couple months ago. A good job, despite the Limbassholes of the world who think their cesspoolian, rehashed rhetoric will somehow magically transpo them back to the “good ole” GOP days. Hey, Rush: Don’t be hatin’!

Whatever. Hate who the hell you want. To me, life’s too short to waste one second of energy hatin’ on anyone (Republican, Democrat, Tree Frog) – except maybe, well, that Madoffwitheveryonesmoney character. Not cool.

But go ahead, you Rushtards: You sit around hatin’, while the rest of us are adaptin’, and it’s your asses that are going to be left behind at the punch bowl forced to guzzle from the Jonesian Machiatto. That’s right Old White Dudes of The GOP, you are on the clock. Or, as one of my favorite writers Stuart Wilde would say: “You are under the spell of the tick-tock.” That means you are caught up in the Big Lie. And you’re never going to get it.

That’s the whole point, peeps. We were all caught up in the lies for too long, and that’s why we crashed. Yet, we can get it!

I don’t know about you, but I’d like to focus my energy on being a part of building something other than hatred. How about the coolest Super Highway you or I, or Schwarzenegger of CollieFornia, could ever imagine? At least that way, Tim Robbins and I will be assured of an extra smooth ride in our Prius’.

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