“Let’s do it all again!”

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Breakdancer vs Hardwood Floor
“Mumby! Put down the wooden sword!”
Herpes bomb?
Today in Female Driving
Tiger, Meet The Lama

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“Well, man, I dunno. I never really had a stalker before.”

“Can someone please tell me he’s not still there.”

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“It was like finding out your father is Hitler, says Matthew Roberts, long lost son to Charles Manson. “I’m a peaceful person - trapped in the face of a monster. My hero is Gandhi. I’m an extremely non-violent, peaceful person and a vegetarian. I don’t even kill bugs.”

Oh, you will now. Trust me. You will.

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That’s right, kids! Two thumbs up for car salesmen! Used and new! Easy winners of the AbSoFuckinglutely Scummiest Dirtbag Loser Employees of a Lifetime. The A.S.F.S.D.L.E.L. (got all that?) Well get this if you plan to buy a car any time soon.

CAR BUYING TIPS

1. Go test drive several cars with ABSOLUTELY no intention of buying one when you’re there. No matter HOW MUCH you like it. This is about patience, this about saving you up to thousands of dollars if you play your cards right. What are your cards?

2. Get a quote from every dealer you go to, at least on the cars you think you might like.

3. Get thee to the Internet and do the research. Is it a reliable vehicle? How is it rated? What is the difference in the models? What’s the difference in cars of its class? And, most importantly, what’s a REAL price to pay for it, NOT the one the D.D. (Dealer Douchebag) gave you. Start here:
Kelly Blue Book
US News Ranking and Reviews
4. When you see options to get dealer quotes on those sites, do so. But this is KEY: When you have to fill in your phone number use your area code and 555-1212.

5. From this point out, you are only emailing. They will ask to call you, stick to email (with possibly a phone call or two if YOU feel like it). The idea is to get everything in writing.

6. Start by shopping price however far you’re willing to travel to get your vehicle. I recommend getting quotes from dealers maybe a couple of hours from your residence, so you can go back to your local dealer, the guy who gave you the original quote, and say, “Hey, look, I got this quote in the next city over, but I’d like to give you guys my business.”

7. If you are dealing with a trade in. DON’T. If you can help it. Take the time to sell it yourself. And when you do, DO NOT mess around trying to make money off it. Find it’s market value, from the sites above, and don’t try for anything over value, just get rid of it.

If you can’t, and you’re forced to trade it in, make sure you provide the dealer with all the 411 on it: VIN number (so they can make sure it wasn’t in accident), year, mileage, style of car, pictures (of dings, if any). Find out how much your car is worth in a dealer trade-in (sites above), and tell the dealer that’s what you want for it. They will once again say crap like “I can get close…” Say, NO, I need exact numbers or I will take my business elsewhere. And mean that. Remember, you have the ball the entire time, you’re the buyer, don’t be bullied!

8. If they won’t take your trade-in for what you want (and they will try to change it when you are there), tell them you’ll just pay the remainder in money — and sell the car later.

9. If you’re a woman, I’m not being sexist, I’m being protective, take a man with you. Any man will do. Heck, your B.G.F.F. Best Gay Friend Forever from the office.

10. Be willing, at the drop of the hat, to walk away from the deal. There will be another day to get your car, and it may be a totally different car than you set out to get, which is cool, flow…

P.S. DO NOT give your money to anyone you despise — which, I know, is kind of hard when you’re dealing with the A.S.F.S.D.L.E.L. But with planning and patience you can win at this game. So don’t get played playa!

“Eh, eh. Do you believe this guy? What’s it gonna take to put you in this little baby today?”

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You think you’re immune. From the pull, the energy, that sucks you forth, awaiting the moment when you can no longer resist its charms and you become one. WTF am I talking about? I’m talking about getting so addicted to our gadgets that we won’t ever be able to break away. Who am I kidding? We already can’t. The war is over. Technology won.

You think I’m kidding? I’m not. It’s no longer about us getting into technology but, rather, technology getting into us, seeping into our neural landscape, the threads being rewired to accommodate the Conversion: Man Into Machine. Your f-ing kid already refuses to ever go outdoors again. Coincidence?

F*ck yeah, we find ourselves in a truly exciting, and accelerating, time in history. But do ENOUGH of us ever stop to think of the implications? To wonder, and explore, what our roles are in the great conversion we’re taking part in? Or are we forever lost in our screens, fumbling for the next text message? Which leads to The Guy Report of the Day:

Drug Dealing Driver vs. Bicyclist.

Seriously, if you think the real drug is drugs, you’ve got another thing coming to ya. P.S. Looking for a new dealer. Preferable mode of transportation: skateboard.

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Actually spotted at the beach today.

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(In Japanese w/English subtitles) “Give me a D! Give me an O! Give me a U! Give me an H! Give me an E! Give me a B-What does it spell?” Yup. Douchebag.

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“Repeat after us, humans: h1n1, h1n1…and again.”

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1. Bikes

Bike Capital of the World: 750,000 people, 600,000 bikes. Imagine the f-ing spokes! (BTW, the Dutch are the tallest people in the world.)

2. Dutch Women

She’s taller than you, dude, and she doesn’t give a shit what kind of car you drive. (American girls, take note!) She’s also seriously beautiful.

3. Outdoor Cafes

You need somewhere to sit to watch all the hotties on bikes go by! “Bi-cycle! Bi-cycle!”

4. Canals

Something deeply romantic about a canal. Get yourself a tall Dutch woman and a Heineken and you’re good to sing some Celine Dion — in Dutch, with subtitles!

5. Locals

When unlocals get lost (often!), the locals will always be there to give it their best shot. (And for 50 Euro…j/k)

6. Bacon

70% of the world’s bacon comes from Holland. Give me a “P”!

7. Museums

Per capita, the most museums of any city! Yes, even Sex & Weed Museums. “Wait, what museum were we going to again? And can we have sex there?”

8. Coffee Houses

Hint: Don’t let the word “coffee” fool you. When Howard Schultz figures this one out, he shall rule the free world.*

9. Parks

You’re going to need somewhere to trip, right? Where you don’t have to worry about Mr. Ranger bumming your scene out. (Because, most likely, Mr. Ranger is high, Boo-boo.)

10. Red Light District

Worth seeing, for the novelty, but only as a slight diversion (and the house “fucky-sucky,” if you’re into that kind of thing).

*The oldest coffeehouse is called Mellow Yellow (est. 1975), and it sits on a corner next to a school. The kids file by at recess, sweet, pungent smoke in the air. Big line at the ice cream shop next door. “Chocolate-Kush swirl, anyone?”

“I’ll take three!”

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