How to Get Laid: Lesson 1

Posted by Mr. Guy April - 3 - 2011 - Sunday ADD COMMENTS

Guys,

We all need to get laid, it’s in our nature. So here’s the first installment in a continuing series of advice, stories and anecdotes that will help you grow your game.

Lesson 1:

You need to learn how to, first,  finesse a woman with your ways of the world, and, second, set about your plans to conquer her in the bedroom. And, while we’ll never truly be able to stop plotting and fantasizing about the Big Bonedown, this order shouldn’t be reversed.

Your focus, early on in the game (18-30) should be to: develop your ways of the world. Take time for this crucial aspect in shaping the overall you, and you’ll easily lap your male opponents in the long run. In fact, you’ll have so much p*ssy at your door that you’ll be inviting your neighbors over for “sloppy seconds,” and thirds. Fourths, anyone?

What the hell are “ways of the world”? Pretty much everything that is going to give you dimension and versatility and make you an MVP in, not only the game of p*ssy, but, the game of life (which, you’ll find, when you get a little older, is a far bigger stage).

Your game should consist of:

  • Knowledge – About more than her bra size, and how to accumulate more fake friends on Twitter. Learn things, man!
  • Physicality – Get it in f*cking shape. Stop waiting until tomorrow. Stop eating like sh*t. If you look good, you’re going to feel good, and so will she, about you. Here’s our article about how to trim weight fast.
  • Culture – You gotta go deeper than American Idol and the Spike Channel. Talking indie films and music, history of Midget Art in the 20th Century, this kind of thing. No! Not Midget Art (though there’s nothing wrong with it!), but culture, man, get out and read some cool publications and get turned on to it! Nerdy, smart chicks are the BEST in bed.
  • Talent – What do you do? No. What do you do? Do you do anything besides what it is that you do? If you don’t, you need to start doing. Take the sailing class, learn the extra language, climb the highest peak, live for something other than her…well, you know, p*ssy.

BTW, I highly recommend you learn how to play an instrument, guitar  would be a good start.  It’s worked well for me! It’s the “sensitivity” thing that they really go in for. And, yeah, “sensitivity” works well to get laid, but it only goes so far. You’ll still need to learn HOW to f*ck the sh*t out of them after you’ve made them cry.

Upcoming: How to Get Laid: Lesson 2 “What She Really Wants in Bed.” Hint: It’s not a pet monkey and some Cheetos.

monkey-with-a-pet-cat

Pussy: “Um, you sure you want to put that Cheeto up my bum?”

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Hotel Manager Busts Pothead

Posted by Mr. Guy December - 30 - 2010 - Thursday ADD COMMENTS

I had checked in for my Christmas vacation stay about ten minutes previous to getting this message on the hotel phone…

listen

In the end, I gave her a bud and I think she had the best holiday of her lifetime, evidenced by the big grin on her face the next time I saw her — as she was following a trail of Peanut M & M’s around the hotel singing Puff the Magic Dragon.

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Thank God It’s Friday

Posted by Mr. Guy February - 26 - 2010 - Friday ADD COMMENTS

passed-out-drunk-guys

“Let’s do it all again!”

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Today in Guy News

Posted by Mr. Guy February - 22 - 2010 - Monday ADD COMMENTS

Where’s Jesse?

Posted by Mr. Guy December - 18 - 2009 - Friday ADD COMMENTS

jackson1
“Well, man, I dunno. I never really had a stalker before.”

jackson2
“Can someone please tell me he’s not still there.”

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So, You Really Want to Find Your Dad?

Posted by Mr. Guy November - 24 - 2009 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS

manson1a

“It was like finding out your father is Hitler, says Matthew Roberts, long lost son to Charles Manson. “I’m a peaceful person – trapped in the face of a monster. My hero is Gandhi. I’m an extremely non-violent, peaceful person and a vegetarian. I don’t even kill bugs.”

Oh, you will now. Trust me. You will.

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10 Tips How to Buy a Car

Posted by Mr. Guy November - 21 - 2009 - Saturday ADD COMMENTS

carsalesman

That’s right, kids! Two thumbs up for car salesmen! Used and new! Easy winners of the AbSoFuckinglutely Scummiest Dirtbag Loser Employees of a Lifetime. The A.S.F.S.D.L.E.L. (got all that?) Well get this if you plan to buy a car any time soon.

CAR BUYING TIPS

1. Go test drive several cars with ABSOLUTELY no intention of buying one when you’re there. No matter HOW MUCH you like it. This is about patience, this about saving you up to thousands of dollars if you play your cards right. What are your cards?

2. Get a quote from every dealer you go to, at least on the cars you think you might like.

3. Get thee to the Internet and do the research. Is it a reliable vehicle? How is it rated? What is the difference in the models? What’s the difference in cars of its class? And, most importantly, what’s a REAL price to pay for it, NOT the one the D.D. (Dealer Douchebag) gave you. Start here:
Kelly Blue Book
US News Ranking and Reviews
4. When you see options to get dealer quotes on those sites, do so. But this is KEY: When you have to fill in your phone number use your area code and 555-1212.

5. From this point out, you are only emailing. They will ask to call you, stick to email (with possibly a phone call or two if YOU feel like it). The idea is to get everything in writing.

6. Start by shopping price however far you’re willing to travel to get your vehicle. I recommend getting quotes from dealers maybe a couple of hours from your residence, so you can go back to your local dealer, the guy who gave you the original quote, and say, “Hey, look, I got this quote in the next city over, but I’d like to give you guys my business.”

7. If you are dealing with a trade in. DON’T. If you can help it. Take the time to sell it yourself. And when you do, DO NOT mess around trying to make money off it. Find it’s market value, from the sites above, and don’t try for anything over value, just get rid of it.

If you can’t, and you’re forced to trade it in, make sure you provide the dealer with all the 411 on it: VIN number (so they can make sure it wasn’t in accident), year, mileage, style of car, pictures (of dings, if any). Find out how much your car is worth in a dealer trade-in (sites above), and tell the dealer that’s what you want for it. They will once again say crap like “I can get close…” Say, NO, I need exact numbers or I will take my business elsewhere. And mean that. Remember, you have the ball the entire time, you’re the buyer, don’t be bullied!

8. If they won’t take your trade-in for what you want (and they will try to change it when you are there), tell them you’ll just pay the remainder in money — and sell the car later.

9. If you’re a woman, I’m not being sexist, I’m being protective, take a man with you. Any man will do. Heck, your B.G.F.F. Best Gay Friend Forever from the office.

10. Be willing, at the drop of the hat, to walk away from the deal. There will be another day to get your car, and it may be a totally different car than you set out to get, which is cool, flow…

P.S. DO NOT give your money to anyone you despise — which, I know, is kind of hard when you’re dealing with the A.S.F.S.D.L.E.L. But with planning and patience you can win at this game. So don’t get played playa!

used-car-salesman
“Eh, eh. Do you believe this guy? What’s it gonna take to put you in this little baby today?”

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Honey, I Blew The Drug Deal

Posted by Mr. Guy November - 18 - 2009 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS

spicoli
You think you’re immune. From the pull, the energy, that sucks you forth, awaiting the moment when you can no longer resist its charms and you become one. WTF am I talking about? I’m talking about getting so addicted to our gadgets that we won’t ever be able to break away. Who am I kidding? We already can’t. The war is over. Technology won.

computerscreensuckers

You think I’m kidding? I’m not. It’s no longer about us getting into technology but, rather, technology getting into us, seeping into our neural landscape, the threads being rewired to accommodate the Conversion: Man Into Machine. Your f-ing kid already refuses to ever go outdoors again. Coincidence?

computerbabies

F*ck yeah, we find ourselves in a truly exciting, and accelerating, time in history. But do ENOUGH of us ever stop to think of the implications? To wonder, and explore, what our roles are in the great conversion we’re taking part in? Or are we forever lost in our screens, fumbling for the next text message? Which leads to The Guy Report of the Day:

Drug Dealing Driver vs. Bicyclist.

Seriously, if you think the real drug is drugs, you’ve got another thing coming to ya. P.S. Looking for a new dealer. Preferable mode of transportation: skateboard.

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I Love Twitter

Posted by Mr. Guy November - 17 - 2009 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS

Actually spotted at the beach today.

twitterheart

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It’s Good to be the Ex-President

Posted by Mr. Guy November - 12 - 2009 - Thursday ADD COMMENTS

bushcheerleaders

(In Japanese w/English subtitles) “Give me a D! Give me an O! Give me a U! Give me an H! Give me an E! Give me a B-What does it spell?” Yup. Douchebag.

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