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“The whole experience was life-altering for me, John.” “Must…wash…bitch…off…self.” “Cheer up, John, you can still have your narcissism. Hey, are my boobs really bigger than Elizabeth’s?” See John Edwards Affair in Pictures 2 |
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“I said: NO teeth, bitch!” “Can you feel your head now, John? My hand’s getting tired.” “How about now, asshole?” I wish I could’ve just been Bon Jovi.” “I’m John Edwards, and I approve of this spoof.” See John Edwards Affair in Pictures 1 |
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“Now that you’re f-cked, what’s next John? What’s a good PR move?” Pictured: John with new girlfriend G.I. Jane and their adopted Korean daughter Soon-Yi-tu. See: John Edwards Affair in Pictures 1 |
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BEIJING, CHINA - After President Hu Jintao and his Communist Party all agreed that the 2008 Beijing Olympics were an unqualified success, they figured: Why stop there? Starting Friday, the entire Chinese team of acrobats who performed at the opening and closing ceremonies will begin arriving in Las Vegas to take over duties from Cirque du Soleil. Beginning September 1, all Cirque shows will be renamed Cirque du Chinese, with previous Vegas performers sent home with a final paycheck and one Chinese orphan per performer. Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman thinks his decision to allow the Chinese to set up shop is the right move in a continuing era of globalization. He suggests that the Mafia will adjust, and that Vegas is only the beginning for China: “Heck, why not New York City after this?” the Mayor says. “I mean, these Chinamen have proven they can perform, right? Well, I’m betting they can put on better shows than Broadway is doing these days. Legally Blonde: The Musical? Are you kidding me?” The main obstacle confronting Chinese performers seems to be a shortage of hotel rooms, with several thousand of the acrobats set to be housed in a makeshift tent community just outside Parumph, NV. “Parumph can handle this,” says Goodman. “They’ve got running water and out-houses. They’ve been trying to get in on the action for years. This is their big chance to show the world how Parumphians represent in 2008.” In addition to the Chinese taking over Cirque duties, singer Sarah Brightman will be named Honorary Princess of Festivities, and action film star Jackie Chan will be awarded with the city’s prestigious Master of Karaoke medal. Fans wishing to obtain a refund for Cirque du Soleil tickets are asked to proceed directly to the nearest Chinese labor camp, also to be set up in Parumph, NV. |
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DENVER, CO., - AUGUST 25 - Former First Lady Hillary Clinton has chosen Helen Reddy’s I Am Woman to accompany her on stage Tuesday night at the Democratic National Convention. Mrs. Clinton had considered several other songs but, in the end, she said she picked the 1972 chart topper because, it was clear, “people have to know what I am and who I stand for.” Rejected songs include: The Bitch is Back by Elton John; It’s My Party by Lesley Gore, and Don’t Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin as performed by Rob Lowe. For clarification purposes: “I am woman, hear me roar and: “You can bend but never break me Prepare the signs for 2012! |
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“Why, John, why? I remember when you were so young, dumb and full of- “Yeah, I sure had a lot going for me then, Lizzie.” See: |
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“Did you know Alaska used to be the capitol of Polar Bears? Then they all fled for Russia, which you can see from our northeastern western southern peninsula.” * Palin Pics 2 |
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Family Picture Day * Palin Pics 1 |
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“Country First, my ass! Er, her ass.” * Palin Pics 1 |
