5 Things Guys Want From a Woman

Posted by Mr. Guy February - 24 - 2010 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS

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1. Truth

2. Devotion

3. Fun

4. Sex

5. Silence

OK, so that’s obvious, how about these ten!

1. Stop twirling your f-ing hair!

2. Stop whining about your boss/ex/father/WHATEVER! Just stop the f-ing whining!

3. A good haircut. Ya know, not the ones I have to look at and totally lie. Like when you go down to the local parlor and get The Aniston, because, well, every other f-ing woman in America got one too! It ain’t sexy! Well, maybe on Jennifer Aniston it is! (After she’s caught the clap from Vince Vaughn.)

4. Be original.

5. I’d say “bring your best friend home with you so I can bang her and you can watch,” but that ain’t too original, so gonna go with “teeth.” All four of them, please.

6. Guys Night out every night of the week. Don’t worry, we’ll “hook back up with you” around midnight, with just enough time left to let you give us a killer BJ and flip on Sportscenter. Don’t forget the Big Gulp.

7. Two breasts and a vagina — so there!

8. Buy us something just once? Yeah, we may make way more cash than you. Way. But that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t appreciate the fine gesture of you buying something for us. Ya know, like a loaf of French bread, or an incense holder, or: I dunno! You’re the romantic, creative species, YOU FIGURE IT OUT!

9. Time. Time to think of WTF I am doing with you, and HTF I can get out of the relationship, preferably with only one text message: Leaving u! u never swallowed.*

10. A break. We’re not always this blatantly sexist. You should catch us on a bad day!

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* “Yes, ladies, this is a bad dad. And I’m a bad man. And, yes, it really does come down to this.”

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Nicole Kidman Still Has Boobs

Posted by Mr. Guy November - 12 - 2009 - Thursday ADD COMMENTS

What did one nipple say to the other? Well, in this case, “we’re almost there, peek-a-boo!”

nicolekidmanbreasts

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NBA Trivia: Joe Johnson Ball-Grabbing Edition

Posted by Mr. Guy November - 2 - 2009 - Monday 1 COMMENT

joejohnson

Joe Johnson is:

A) Alarmed at his 1st stage “tingly sensation.”
B) Pissed off because ref bit down a little harder than expected.
C) Auditioning for latest reality show Honey, I Grabbed My Penis, & You Should Too.
D) Who cares, it’s just fun watching a guy grab his package in public.
NBA, I Love This Game!

ballingroupies

“As do we! We’re all over those NBA packages! We’ll show you tingle!”

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10 Annoying Things Girls Do

Posted by Mr. Guy October - 30 - 2009 - Friday 1 COMMENT

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1. Talk

OK, that’s kind of harsh, but when 85% of the shite that comes out of your mouth is all bitch-trashing guys, then we say: shut it. Guys are NOT the reason your life is f’d up. That’s just the excuse.

2. Twirling Your Hair

OK, maybe when you were six this was cutesy. But you’re 29 now and the pigtails have to go. “Yes, daddy.”

3. Cuddle Time

Can we not just give you the Two-Minute Warning Boot, say, well, two minutes after orgasm? Rather than lie around for forty-five minutes, missing valuable Sportscenter time, pretending it isn’t really what you think it is: simply a case of hooking up. Hint: it is!

4. Shop

How many shoes does one Princess possibly need? OK, stop right there Imelda. It’s fine if we happen to be watching sports with the guys, go for it, go shopping. Much rather have you do that than explain what happens when someone “hits a homerun” in the end zone again.

5. Pretend they know sports

This goes doubly to you Linda Cohn (the Great Pretender). Just go shopping, already. Make some chicken soup. Something!

6. High Maintenance Prep Time

You already HAVE a date, there’s no need to put all the layers on when going out with him to try and attract ANOTHER date. Well, maybe there is (see No. 3).

7. Belly Shirts

Are these still in fashion? Apparently for BFOSMs* they are. FYI: We want to throw up on your tummy.

8. Cleavage

It ain’t the cleavage we’re peeved about it, it’s the WAY you look at us when we look at the cleavage you have so expertly prepared to go out in — like we shouldn’t be looking. Guess what? Cover that shit up if you don’t want us perving on it!

9. Faking it

Please, if we wanted a stripper/hooker, we would have paid for one instead of buying you that $150 dinner. We’d like a little intimacy, and not the feeling you’re working on the railroad pounding nails all the live long day. Slow it down, honey! We are NOT on the clock.

10. Whine about how it’s a man’s world

OK, shocker: it is! But if you sit and wank about it all day, and a take a pole-dancing class to “empower” you, how far do you think that’ll get you but a crappy column in a blog post?

*Big Fat Overweight Soccer Moms

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“I think I can. I think I can…”

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You Can Take The Girl Out Of The Rowdy…

Posted by Mr. Guy September - 1 - 2009 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS

APTOPIX Japan Samba

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Why Guys Favor Universal Health Care

Posted by Mr. Guy August - 30 - 2009 - Sunday ADD COMMENTS

BEFORE
hairyvagina

AFTER
hairyvaginabald

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Dumb Beeotch Photo of Day

Posted by Mr. Guy August - 27 - 2009 - Thursday ADD COMMENTS

dumbbitchphoto

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Bimbo Finger 3

Posted by Mr. Guy August - 22 - 2009 - Saturday ADD COMMENTS

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“Ya think?”

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“I’m hot?”

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“When I bite my finger?”

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“Or have I just not eaten in a week? Like, OMG!”

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Bimbo Finger 2

Posted by Mr. Guy August - 5 - 2009 - Wednesday 1 COMMENT

So many bimbo fingers around I thought someone should start a photo journal! If you see any, make sure to send them my way please. This is art, people.

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“This finger is about the only thing I’ve had to eat for days!”

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“I like my hot dogs rare, sailor.”

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“I used to be a dumb blonde.”

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“Forget my face. I have a finger and I know how to use it.”

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“This finger-in-the-mouth-camouflage-thing will never let on that I have a huge Terradactyl penis.”

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The Bimbo Finger

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 27 - 2009 - Monday ADD COMMENTS

bimbofinger

Bimbo Finger: noun, a digit used to convey sexiness in a “come hither” manner.

Pronunciation:
\ˈbim-(ˌ)bō\ˈfiŋ-gər\

Example: Jules always insisted on using a bimbo finger when all she really needed to do was wear more low-cut shirts, and let everyone know she was on the pill.

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