5 Tips For Hooking Up At The Bar

Posted by Mr. Guy March - 5 - 2010 - Friday 1 COMMENT

beerchicks1

1. Don’t sit there all night wishing you could talk to her. Walk across the floor and offer to buy her a B.F.A.B. (Big Fat Ass Beer.) THAT is a f-ing Man. If you can’t do this within 5 minutes of seeing her, just go home, you’re wasting your time. Consult Spank-O-Vision.

2. Be respectful when you’re talking to her. Don’t talk about You. Find out stuff about Her. You know: what kind of shoes and purses she likes best, how many rice cakes she eats in a day, this kind of thing that women thrive off of.

3. If you’re in your “trying to get her to smile at me” mode and she won’t, move the f*ck on. If she’s not opening up, that means, shocker, she’s just not into opening up to you. Don’t let it bring you down, means nothing about you unless YOU allow it to. (Hint: that means: develop some spine/confidence, man!) *

4. Don’t keep drinking at the same watering hole expecting “the one” to walk in the door, then be upset when it’s 1:59 A.M. and she still hasn’t arrived. Move on, go to another joint. You can feel the vibe of a club the moment you happen upon the scene (or no scene). In other words, if it AIN’T HAPPENING, KEEP MOVIN’…And if the movement happens to take you closer to a slice of pizza than the next bar, by all means…

5. Don’t go out to a bar, or anywhere for that matter, “wanting” to hook-up! Say what? I know, I know, we’re ALL going to the bar WANTING to hook-up. But if you can PRETEND you’re not at the bar WANTING to hook-up…Ya know, aren’t your friends work stories hilarious?? Isn’t looking at the ESPN Ticker for the 31st time in the last five minutes fun!? Haha, you’re having a grand old time, and, shocker, it makes her curious: “Ya mean, oh my gosh, he could be happy without my cooch in his face?”

And therein lies the secret to dating, my friends: BE HAPPY! In fact, Don’t Worry, Be Happy. You’ll be amazed at how that simple philosophy attracts more cooch in the face than you ever dreamed of.

coochinface1

“Um, k, I know I dreamed of this moment, but now what?”

* Plenty of tips on this type of thing if you scour the Dating Archive.

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10 Ways to Get a Girl

Posted by Mr. Guy February - 23 - 2010 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS

manisland

1. Tie her up.

2. Tie her mother up.

3. Promise to dress the part for Danny Zuko Saturday Night Fevers*.

4. Get a f_ing puppy.

5. Money.

6. Sorry, the best things in life ARE NOT FREE, once again, the answer is: M-O-N-E-Y.

7. Buy HER a puppy (but be careful! Someone might beat you out…If you hold the puppy, you hold the power. Never forget this! Put it on your wall if you have to. A license pl8 frame wouldn’t hurt either.)

8. Conversation.

9. If she won’t listen to conversation — mainly about the 48 ways you want to have sex with her — a roofie always works wonders. Then you can do WAY more than 48!

10. Humor her. That, along with money, the roofie, and massive Zukonian skills, usually does the trick.

P.S. Don’t forget to untie your future ex-mother-in-law!

mittenhandcuffs

* Yes, that was a compound movie reference above. Consider yourself a genius. Shouldn’t you be getting back to work? WTF?

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Today in Guy News

Posted by Mr. Guy February - 23 - 2010 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS

Fav Porn Titles 8

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 15 - 2009 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS

favporntitlesHere’s what we’re doing. We’re counting backwards from 9. In other words, the first installment of our fav porn titles was No. 9, so this one, the 8th, would be our second. Got it? Can we call in the fluffer now to deliver a list of this week’s favorites?

Once again, five are real, five are made up. You decide which.

1. Honolulu Horse Breeder
“Sexy stable women are asked to go the extra mile for their trainer.”

2. Bent Over N Juicy 2
“International hotties burst open with love juices.”

3. Bang My Clit Slowly 3
“A team of beautiful coeds find that softball isn’t their first love.”

4. Honey, I Boned the Kids
“Thirty-five sexy Mormon daughters compete for the attention of their father.”

5. Wheelchair Wanda and the Seven Dwarfs 2
“A paraplegic MILF rolls with seven boy toys. ”

6. Dawg the Booty Hunter
“Dawg punishes vixens for porn misconduct.”

7. Come on My Tattoo 2
“Exciting women demand complete satisfaction.”

8. Big Sausage Pizza 12
“Hungry women need plenty of meat to satisfy their appetites.”

9. Filty Hitchhikin’ Sluts
“Lusty women seek rides on the horny highway.”

10. Great Balls of Fury 8
“Sizzling babes who like to light men’s genitals on fire.”

Real: 2, 6, 7, 8, 9
Not Real: 1, 3, 4, 5, 10

If you scored lower than 3, may we suggest a little visit to your nearest PPV menu. Watch. Rinse. Repeat.

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The Politics of Clubbing

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 15 - 2009 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS

As the country gets revved up for next year’s big presidential elections, it’s your turn to get versed in the politics of clubbing. Because, like every facet of life, even clubbing comes with mazes of bureaucracy to finesse – from snaking past the no-neck bouncer (sorry if that’s you, pal) to getting a drink when the line is six deep.

And, unlike politics, it’s not whether you win or lose that counts, it’s how you play the game. The game that should be played with one goal in mind: to have fun. (And, oh yeah, if you score with the babes, bonus).

1. Game Plan

It happens often. You want to go one place and your friends want to go elsewhere. How to decide which path to take? As the Zen Monk might say: the path of least resistance.

That means, if your posse is hounding you to go somewhere, rather than hold out, and try to argue the point, let it go. Follow their lead. And here’s why: Many times I have had my mind set on a specific club. Because, you know, quite honestly, I thought it was going to be where the most action would be. When I say “action,” I mean: ass. In fact, I was convinced it was where I was going to hook-up with Miss Right Now. But eventually the finagling over where to roam made me not want to go out at all. And by the time I got to wherever we ended up, I wasn’t in the mood to be there. And, if Miss Right was in da house, I am sure she read my body language, and she probably passed me by for another Mr. Right Now.

Funny enough, when I was man enough not to have to “get my way,” I would miraculously meet someone. Probably because I had let go of my agenda and I was just going with the flow. And, if the club they picked sucked ass, there was always time to double-back on my original idea.

2. The Red Vine

Any way you look at it, this one sucks for guys. Trying to get past the no-neck bouncer is harder than trying to come up with an exit plan for Iraq. Obviously, if you’re a hot chick, it’s not hard giving No-neck a little hug, so he thinks you actually want him (for the two seconds it takes him to lift the rope). But if you’re a guy, not gonna work.

The only thing that is going to work is:

A) You come with hot chicks.

B) You get to the club early enough so you don’t have to wait in line.

C) You, like the good politician, get to know the bouncer over time, i.e., Find out his name, shake hands, be polite and patient (not pushy!), find out a few things about him (like what gym he works out at), and let time take care of the rest. When he is ready, and thinks you’re cool enough, he’ll let you know by parting the red (vine) seas and giving you V.I.P. treatment.

Lastly, there’s always the bribe. But this one, like politics, is very tricky. Who can be bought and who can’t? For this one, you want to approach the bouncer very casually. You might try having a bill inconspicuously in your hand and saying something like, almost jokingly, “How ya doing? Are you accepting gifts tonight?” When he says “Huh? WTF??” You say, “Just kidding. I was just trying to see if I could get in a little sooner. No worries.”

He’ll either tell you to get lost (“Back of the line, bud”), or laugh and play along. If he does the latter, you may be able to persuade him over to the darkside.

3. The Drink Line

This one can suck for both sexes. My advice for this one is to think of that Zen Monk dude again. Let it go. Get yourself in place, but do not be pushy or try to pressure the bartender. Just assume the position and stay there with a relaxed, calm smile on your face, especially every time the bartender looks in your direction. When the bartender answers the old Sesame Street adage “one of these dudes is not like the other,” you’re in. Make sure to thank them graciously and tip well, so the next time you come back, you’re treated like the biggest bird in the joint.

And, this is kind of obvious, but if there’s a cocktail waitress floating around, always track her down and go with her service. If the line at the bar is long, she’ll always be a quicker avenue for you getting lit. Same rule applies: smile and tip well. And DO NOT try to hit on her, or the bartender. This immediately puts you in the category of Loser. Do you know how many times a night guys flirt with them and win their affection? Do you know how many times this is successful? Once more, refer back to that trying to find an exit plan from Iraq thing.

4. The Babe Hunt

I saved the best for last. Because, whether we admit it or not, this is the reason we’re at the club in the first place.

Damn, I am going back to that friggin’ Zen Monk dude again. Let the female chi (read: energy) flow to you. If you’re aware of your surroundings, it’s pretty obvious when a girl wants anything to do with you. And it’s pretty obvious when they don’t. What you want to do is throw a little line out. That translates to a small smile in the direction of someone you’d like to meet.

You’ll know the instant you cast out if she’s interested. If she returns it, cool, start reeling in slowly. Don’t just cross the room right there and try to gut her. Once again, too pushy, and desperate (the biggest obstacle to you getting laid). Reeling in anything worthwhile takes time. And, this is the big one, when she doesn’t return your smile, don’t play the ego game and keep going after her. No matter how hot she is: accept and move on.

When you finally do have a catch on the line, it’s all about honesty and humor. F*ck the cheesy lines they teach you at double your dating dot com. These only work with chicks who are drunk enough to puke on you at the end of the night. Approach your girl with honesty first, “Hi, you’ve got a really nice smile and I wanted to know your name.” And then hit her with the self-deprecating humor, “Of course if you’d rather I tie a brick to my leg and jump off a bridge…”

Stop being afraid of rejection! This is what keeps us from being honest and taking chances. Know that rejection only exists in your mind. You create it. Not them. If you feel good about yourself, and trust that, what’s best for you will come your way, you’ll have no problem with putting your ass on the line to meet Miss Right Now.

And, hey, if you do score: PLEASE, no macking in front of everyone. Take the sh*t outside. Trust me, no one wants to see you O-bam-a her in public. And, if she looks like Hillary Clinton, or Rudy Giuliani, we really don’t want to see it!

Recommended viewing: Cool Bar & Drink websites

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8 Ways to Tell Your Band Sucks

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 15 - 2009 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS

dtl_cid_danny-bonaduce1. Citing Extreme Suckatude, even Myspace Tom de-friends you.

2. Groupies are weighing in at over 200lbs. Bringing their own flour to concerts.

3. Latest gig at church bake sale. They made you pay for the Cool-Aid.

4. Lead singer’s looks, and talent, compared with Danny Bonaduce.

5. Lead singer actually is Danny Bonaduce.

6. People constantly complimenting you on how cool your guitar case is.

7. Concert appearances frequently end in Disturbing The Peace charges, and full cavity searches, just “because.”

8. You can’t get sex, and you have no drugs, and your rock n’ roll sounds like a cross between a chinchilla in heat and the Iraqi National Anthem.

P.S. Oh, say, can you see, if you’re a “friend” and you have this sneaking suspicion I think your band blows, please don’t ever invite me again. I promise to remember you at Christmas.

Long enough to run the other way. Attention Shoppers! Sucky band member on aisle four…

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How to Get More Dates

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 15 - 2009 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS
moredates
Hey, guys, last time in How to Get More Dates we covered the two questions:

1) Where am I going? and…

2) Who is going with me?

And how, if you ask those questions in reverse order, you’re basically moving into Being Whipped For Eternity territory. We also told you about the Party Goddess and how she said getting girls is all about confidence.So how do we develop this confidence?

To begin with, we try to focus entirely on the “Where am I going question?” Forget the second question, for now. It will reveal its answer in its own time. FYI: Do you know how much energy guys waste in the name of p*ssy every day? Too much. Energy that could be better expended working on our own games.

That’s the Catch-22: Take focus off the No. 2 question, invest the energy back into yourself, and, in time, the No. 2 question will be easy to fill, because you’ll have taken the necessary time to become, what the Party Goddess desires, CONFIDENT.

Here’s 3 Quick Tips on How to Improve Your Game & Confidence

1. Make yourself a smarter person.

That means, yes, sigh, you’ll probably have to read. One Sunday with the NY Times will improve your brain performance immensely. A year later, you’re a friggin’ genius bedding art majors. If the NYT isn’t your bag, no worries, find something else to read, and not just something with pictures!

2. And more girth to your game.

We’re not talking penis extensions (although they wouldn’t hurt). We’re talking about adding some dimension to your game, as in: being a well-rounded person. Yes, the reading will help, but we also mean…

Yes, sigh, you’re going to have to get off the couch on the weekends and take up a new hobby. You know what works well here? Guitar. And not that cheesy plastic thing you masturbate with while playing Guitar Hero 2. HINT: That will never get you laid.

Three chords on a REAL guitar and you’re on your way to a “sensitive” designation. And you know how the gals like sensitive.

But learning to play guitar isn’t the only solution. What is it you’ve always wanted to do? Yes, YOU! Mountain climb? Sail? Cook? Foreign languages? Get to it, and once you’ve completed one pursuit, and developed some sense of mastery, move on to the next. It will help you build your self-esteem.

3. Get in shape.

A really cool, and easy-to-follow diet is going to be revealed for the first time in this column. It’s called the “Eat Less, Exercise More” diet. And, low and behold, it actually works, over time.

That means forget about all the quick-fix diets, and what have you. That shit has one design: to take your money.

Remember this: anything, ANYTHING, worthwhile in life takes time. And effort. And passion. That includes everything from your bank account to the woman you dream of.

You can start now, or run around like a chicken with your head cut off forever — and you know how many women like headless chickens.

Morale of the story: Grow your game, and you’ll grow your chicks. How to Get More Dates 1

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Interview with a Pornstar 1

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 14 - 2009 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS
dtl_cid_girl TGR: So did you ever think when you were a little girl, this is where you’d be? In porn?

K: Oh, god, no.

TGR: What’s the first time it ever crossed your mind?

K. Oh my god. The first time?

TGR: Yes.

K: I think everybody thinks about it in the back of their minds, to a certain extent. Everybody always kind of wonders what it would be like. But I can’t say exactly when was the first time, because I’m a horny girl and I’ve been watching porn forever.

TGR: Since you were how old?

K: I have no idea…maybe like, fifteen.

TGR: Okay, go on.

K: It was never that far off to me. Like I don’t think I shocked too many people.

TGR: What about your family? Did you shock them?

K: Oh, yeah. My mom just found it.

TGR: Recently?

K: Yes.
TGR: And how long have you been doing it?

K: I’ve been doing it for, like, a little after I got married, like, five months. And I wanted to wait until I was doing something really nice, or a feature. She knows that my husband does it, so she probably knew that I was gonna do it. But I wanted to wait until I was doing something nice and pretty. And somebody walks into her work with a movie called Who’s Your Daddy? And she shows her the box and says: ‘Does this girl look familiar to you?’

TGR: Wait, wait. You were on the box of Who’s Your Daddy?

K: Yeah.

TGR: And someone at her work brought it into her? Is this a true story?

K: (sounding bummed just remembering it). Yes.

TGR: So mom called you right away…

K: Mom called me and…

TGR: How long did it take her to call you?

K: Oh, God, I don’t know. Like the next day. And they gave her a copy of it. And she was like: ‘I don’t want to watch this.’ So her friends watched it…

RC: And you were doing daddy?

K: No! My husband.

TGR: Played the daddy role?

K: Yes.

TGR: Okay.

K: It’s not even like that. It’s like, you know… (In man’s tone) Who’s your daddy? (Answering in little girl tone, which she does much better): Yeah, daddy, I like it like that.

Or whatever. It’s not really like playing your father.

TGR: What’s your pay?

K: Mine’s kind of higher than, I guess, a lot of girls. For a boy/girl, $1200, for girl/girl, $800. Most people get six for a girl/girl.

TGR: And that’s a day?

K: That’s a scene.

TGR: How many days a week do you work?

K: I don’t like to work more than once a week. Because I’m just trying to take it slow right now and build up a name – and not to get shot out real quick. Because I only work with my husband.

TGR: You won’t work with other guys?

K: I don’t want to.

TGR: How about women?

K: Oh, yeah, I work with other girls. I just don’t want to work with any other men.

TGR: Because you don’t have any desire to? Or you think it might mess up your relationship?

K: I don’t have any desire to. And I don’t want to take the chance of it fucking our relationship up. Which I don’t think it would, anyway, because we have a very, very strong relationship. If, some day, it came up, and I wanted to do it, I don’t think it would be something he would hold me back from. Like, he wants me to experience everything. It’s just not something I’m into.

TGR: Do you guys experiment outside of the film world?

K: What do you mean? Do we hook-up with other chicks?

TGR: Yeah, exactly.

K: I hook-up with tons of other chicks.

TGR: Is he involved?

K: He sometimes videotapes it.

TGR: Wait. How many chicks do you hook up with?

K: Tons of them.

TGR: Really?

K: Yeah.

TGR: How old are you?

K: 23.

TGR: And how many girls have you been with?

K: I can’t count that high.

TGR: Give me like an average. Over 50?

K: No. I started hooking up with girls when I came out to California.

TGR: You see what California does to people?

K: Well, no, because I always wanted to, but girls were afraid of me. Like, back East, it’s not normal.

TGR: Come on, Massachusetts doesn’t have gay women?

K: Yeah, but that’s gay women. I don’t like gay women…

TGR: Okay.

K: …like butch-dykes.

TGR: What is the pleasure-factor in being with a woman?

K: I just think chicks are hot. And it’s not really a threat for my husband. I think it kind of just like makes you horny and makes you want to go home and f*ck your man. At the end of the day, a girl still needs a little dick.

TGR: A little dick or a big dick?

K: (realizes her faux-pas and laughs) A big dick. I think the girls kinda make you horny so you can go home and jump your man’s c*ck. That’s just how I feel.

TGR: So you do chicks as an aphrodisiac?

K: Oh, totally.

TGR: Do you have any specialties?

K: Ahhhh, I don’t think so. I haven’t been in here too long.

TGR: Would you like to have a specialty one day?

K: Yeah. To be the hottest chick ever.

TGR: That’s what you want to be?

K: Yeah.

TGR: And what are your limits?

K: Um, I don’t have too many limits.

TGR: Donkeys?

K: I draw the line at donkeys.

TGR: Okay, good.

K: But like, my anal, I’m going to hold out for a little while.

TGR: You haven’t had anal yet?

K: Um, not on film.

TGR: So why are you holding out?

K: Because you gotta keep something, to have longevity in your career. Like, if you just give everything up the first year…and when you do you’re gonna get shot out and no one is going to want to see anything anymore. We’ve already seen that, why am I going to pay to see it again? Same thing. When, you know, if you hold out on your anal, you can get more in the end.

TGR: No pun intended.

K: Yeah.

TGR: Where did you pick up that philosophy?

K: All my girlfriends basically. I was blessed to come into the industry with a lot of people who have a lot of knowledge about the porn industry, who’ve been in it for a while. They’re just very intelligent people, and have that longevity in their career, when they’ve been in it like for five years and they still work all the time.

TGR: And do you have like a time plan on when you’re going to give the anal up?

K: I don’t really have a time plan, just whenever it’s right. Probably like around the end of my career somewhere.

TGR: How old will you be when that happens?

K: I have no idea.

TGR: You don’t have plans for that?

K: I don’t know. Because it depends on how well my career is going. If my career’s not going so well, and I think I want to get out of it, and I want do something else…

TGR: Like?

K: I don’t know. Whatever I may want to do. Have kids, be a housewife (she laughs).

TGR: Okay.

K: Do make-up/hair, because that’s what I did before I came into the industry.

And, you know, I’ll do it then [anal], make a little extra cash. You know, for a little cushion. Then I’ll do something else. But for now, it seems to be going really well, and I don’t want to think about it, because I don’t want to jinx it or anything.

TGR: I hear ya.

K: I want to let it roll.

Read Part 2 of our Interview with a Pornstar.

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History of Bikinis

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 14 - 2009 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS
It’s pretty obvious what kind of women wear bikinis: the hot ones. And it doesn’t matter what their suits are made from – nylon, cotton, string, vinyl, macramé, fur, mink, rubber, leaves, seaweed, or tampon string – because we’ll hang on the titillation of what lies just underneath, regardless. A kind of, existential foreplay. Existential, in that most bikini babes would have a hard time explaining how they affect us – as they’re happy just to know they do: SCHWING! But before you go running wild this summer, trying to tear off any bikini that will have you, best you know a little about the history of where they came from first.
300 A.D. Mural found in an Italian villa displays two dozen frolicking bathing nymphs wearing two-piece bathing suits with green or red strapless bra tops and hip-hugging bottoms. Hugh Hefner not alive to throw them in a mansion. 1945. Paris. While running his mother’s lingerie business, trying to find a name for a newly developed swimsuit, Louis Réard, an automotive engineer by trade, coins the name “bikini” after the U.S. Army tests a nuclear bomb in the Bikini Atoll on the Marshall Islands. Major explosion when Reard has nude dancer Micheline Bernardini strut down a Paris catwalk in one. After photos hit the press, Bernardini is besieged with 50,000 fan letters. (The art of stalking is born.)
The fall-out: several Catholic countries, including Spain, Portugal and Italy, ban the bikini altogether. Decency leagues in America begin putting pressure on Hollywood to keep them out of the movies. A writer of the time, says: “A two-piece bathing suit reveals everything about the girl except her mother’s maiden name.” And who the hell wants to know that? 1951. Beauty pageants worldwide ban the bikini. Preferred choice of dress: body armor. 1956. The French film And God Created Women features actress Brigitte Bardot in a bikini. It ignites a major market for swimsuits abroad. Hollywood gets in on the act by offering 3D glasses to see it. Unfortunately, The Attack of the Killer Boobies isn’t on the double feature bill.
1957. Modern Girl magazine tries to quell the bikini uprising by saying: “It’s hardly necessary to waste words over the so-called bikini, since it is inconceivable that any girl with tact and decency would ever wear such a thing.” That same year, the song “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini” sends all those “tactful” girls rushing to buy one.
1963. Ex-Mousketeer Annette Funicello joins the bikini parade in the movie Beach Party. The film leads to six sequels, including How to Stuff a Wild Bikini. Note: Somewhere, a future Beverly Hills Plastic Surgeon is smiling. 1964. European designer Rudi Gernreich develops the mono-kini (topless) and it provokes the Vatican to denounce all things “bikini.” Homosexual priests are still OK!
1964. Sports Illustrated – trying to find an attention-grabber between the Superbowl and baseball season – puts model Babette March on the cover in a bikini. Over night, a number one sport, and magazine, is born.
1964. Raquel Welch gets all “sporty” in One Million Years B.C. Over night, young men begin spending more QT in bathroom. 1970’s. Tanga suits, AKA the thong, are unveiled on the beaches of Brazil. Note: Somewhere, a homosexual priest is caught wearing one. 1988. Four years after his death, Louis Reard’s company goes under. May he RIP in Bikini Heaven.
80’s-early 90’s. Bikini sales plummet, dropping to less than a third of the women’s swimsuit market. You see what Reagan did?! Mid 90’s. MTV pumps up the flesh volume by displaying hordes of teens shaking their assets at Spring Break. CPR to the bikini is also delivered by Baywatch, which spreads its message of warmth, IQ, Pamela’s boobs, and skyrocketing bikini sales to every shore. And there is nothing existential about that. Or this…
   

 
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Lakers Towel Man

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 1 - 2009 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS
lakerstowelmanmain
Los Angeles Lakers employee Carlos Maples has seen a lot in his 22 seasons with the team. Maples started out as a Laker ball boy at the age of 13, and graduated to assistant equipment manager twelve years ago.Towel Fact:

CM: We go through at least 250 towels a game. We use a brand new towel for every player for every timeout. So if a towel touches a player’s hand, that’s it, it’s done. We don’t recycle towels here.

Very Superstitious:

CM: On games days, I go back to my old neighborhood, Ladera Heights. I get a haircut, shoot the breeze with the guys at the barber shop, ya know, barbershop talk. I love getting my hair cut on game days. It’s just my thing. It’s been my thing forever. And I love taking my one special route when I get back get to the Staples Center, I’m superstitious like that.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T:

CM: I have this thing with rookies, I feel it’s my job to school them. Since I’ve been here so long. So, for a rookie, they need to key to my rules. This is my locker room, my rules…No. 1, rookies need to bring out towels for everybody at halftime. Anything that needs to be done really quick. Like ‘Hey, get a bottle of water.’ If my guys are busy, you ask a rookie to do it. Rookies, as Coach Phil likes to call them, are ‘lower than pond scum.’

Best Tip:

CM: It was about $300. From Horace Grant. We used to have some pretty generous guys back here in the day. Magic Johnson used to take care of me all the time. Kobe’s very generous as well. It’s not always financial. They’re very generous with giving us tickets. We used to get tickets all the time, but the times have changed. Dr. Jerry Buss was very generous with tickets for about eighteen years. But the last few years he hasn’t been able to give us any. So it’s kind of nice when the guys take care of us.

Fave Five (maybe eight):

CM: I’ve been blessed here with an organization that just really gets good guys. Anthony Peeler was a really good guy. Doug Christie, Nick Van Exel, Eddie Jones, Luke Walton’s a good friend. Brian Cook was a good friend. Horace Grant was really great. Robert Horry, the list goes on and on.

Cheapest Tippers:

CM: Oh wow…Some guys just don’t know. Over the years, times have changed. A lot of these guys have been pampered the whole way up, versus, back in the day. When I started, guys used to carry their own stuff. Nowadays, they don’t carry anything. They just get off the plane, get off the bus, they don’t carry anything. They can barely carry a basketball to the floor.

Pimp Daddy:

CM: Over the years, some visiting players wanted my guys to go into the stands for a number or two. Our players are used to seeing beautiful women, so we don’t get requests like that from them. Plus, most of them have girlfriends who are watching their every move from the stands.

Funny Man:

CM: Last season it was Ronny Turiaf. He just brought life to the room. When we wore the short shorts in Boston, he came in and looked at the shorts and pulled them up to his waist and said, ‘Are you serious?’ Then he proceeded to pull them way up, like a nerd would. I was crying, it was the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time. But Shaq was by far the biggest jokester in the history of the Lakers. He’s wrestled with the ball boys. And he threw me in a laundry basket for talking back.

The Big Oops:

CM: One day I was really ill. I had food poisoning. And I came in in the morning, and tried to get the locker room all set up. That night, I’m at home sick, and, on the air, Stu Lantz says: ‘We’d like to wish Carlos a get well soon. And, by the way, Carlos, Shaq doesn’t have two left feet.’ I had left him two left shoes by mistake.

Road to the Championship:

CM: I just gotta make sure the guys have everything they need. And, I always tell everybody, we’re partially like a shrink, because you have to be there when times are good, and when times are bad. You are pretty much part of the team, whether or not people like to think of us like that or not.

*

Recommended reading:

Lamar Odom on meditating and Kobe
Luke Walton on trouble w/his bros and paint ball
Ask NBA Ref Bennett Salvatore

Join The Guy Report at Twitter

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