In love, everything does not come up roses. We have cacti, weeds, shrubbery, and many other forms of plant life that don’t necessarily smell that good. But on one day a year we cut all the reeky ones away in order for the roses to bloom like the bush on Whoopi Goldberg.

Welcome to St. Valentine’s Day. A date shrouded in more mystery than the Bermuda Triangle. Whatever. Read our f-ing quiz already.

1. When planning for Valentine’s Day it’s best to consult:

a. Some douche bag Internet “dating” guru who claims to have the “game” down to a science. The science of taking your money.

b. Your Great Uncle Ernie — who hasn’t gotten a grab since the Cubs last won the series.

c. The Magic 8 Ball — who is only going to tell you your “outlook is not good.” Well, duh, you’re asking an f-ing 8 Ball, whattya expect, genius?

2. As you budget for your date the most important thing to take into consideration is:

a. What’s more important, the house payment or flowers, candy, jewelry, rose petals — oh my?

b. Do I actually give two craps about this person? Hint: If you’re just trying to find her landing strip for a one-time layover, save your cashola and choose the cheap route — Taco Bell, a bottle of Boone’s Farm and a mattress in the back of your pickup truck.

c. If getting a hooker for the night is the least expensive way to go.

3. Once you’ve been planning so long that you forgot to leave time to find a date, it would be best to:

a. Think heavily about the hooker option.

b. Plan a business trip in a lonely hotel room equipped with Spank-O-Vision. At least your pals would know if you were in town, you could have easily gotten a date.

c. See if your cousin wants to go for a spin around the trailer park. We hear she’s kinda hot and into freebies for the whole family!

4. In preparation to go out on your date you should:

a. Pop a Xanax so her “way hottieness” doesn’t cause Mr. Happy to blow before the main course.

b. Shave everywhere you expect your date to kiss. That includes Mr. Hairy Sack.

c. Not think you’re getting Mr. Hairy Sack kissed. Remember: when you want something too badly…C’mon now! Stop being sacrilegious!

5. When picking her up (in a limo preferably. Preferable only by her):

a. Call her once from your cell phone. If that doesn’t work, honk the horn twice. If once, twice, three times a lady fails, tell the limo driver you think Lionel Richie is gay and you’ll give him an extra 20 if he gives your date a piggy-back ride to the car.

b. Ask to visit the little boys room before you go — only so you can check the medicine cabinet and see if she’s on birth control. (Men+condoms=pass.)

c. Make the grandest entrance possible. First impressions are everything. And when they’re not, you were probably drunk.

6. Before dinner:

a. Take her somewhere to get her in the mood: a sunset, a drive along the aqueduct , Harry Caray’s gravesite…

b. Eyes on the road. Pedal to the medal. Your favorite Yanni tunes.

c. Let her know the skies the limit, anything she wants on the menu is hers — as long as it’s on the left side under “appetizer.”

7. While dining:

a. Take charge and show her your mad skilz right away — begin by displaying how well you order “agua” from the nearest illegal alien.

b. Give the waiter a little wink that lets him know if he flirts with your girl again you’ll put him out of the running for the latest reality show he’s vying for — with a swift butter knife to the cheekbone.

c. Remember: there’s a time for food and a time for sex. Can you guess which this is? Remove hand from her panties and DO NOT ask the waiter if he wants to smell your finger.

8. After dinner:

a. Try to sway your date from ordering the triple-shot-soy-foam-latte. The night time is not the right time to be cleaning the pipes.

b. Call “Shotgun!” and see if she bites on a race to the car.

c. In an effort to erase the earlier comment about how much like her mother she looks, let her know she was: “by far the chick with the hottest rack in the joint.”

9. When it’s time for romance:

a. Candles, incense and rose petals leading straight to her heart. Once she’s sprung, give cue to strippers: “Come out, come out, wherever you are.”

b. Keep in mind, V-Day may not be the most appropriate time to break your secret to her: you like to wear panties endorsed by Marv Albert. Yes!

c. Think simple. If you were a woman being wooed by yourself, what would make you feel special — other than the part where you go home and watch Sportscenter and get high.

10. When dropping her off, or kicking her out in the morning:

a. Inform her the next date will consist of take-out food and an all night marathon of Jean-Claude Van Damme films. Followed, of course, by Sportscenter and getting high.

b. If no ACTION has occurred up to this point, try a line from the infamous 1985 movie Fraternity Vacation: “Then I guess a blowjob in the parking lot is out of the question?”

c. Let her know you’d love to walk her to her door — if you could get the bj in the parking lot — but your car stalls out when it goes under 10 mph. How did she do in the long jump in high school?

Now it’s your turn to leap, lover. Get on out there and plan the best Valentine’s Day she’s ever had! Mainly, so you can get it over with and get back to being a lazy prick for another 364 days. Boo-yah.

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Recommended reading: Dating Tips with the Coors Light Twins

1. Birth control

2. Three-ways

3. Herpes

4. Past stalking experience

5. Politics

6. Tom of myspace

7. Circumcision

8. Homoerotic tendencies

9. Shopping

10. Home Depot employment

11. “Mother”

12. Anthony Hopkins

13. Vegas

14. Vagina Monologues

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Recommended viewing: Top 20 Party Schools

Cockblocker: noun. One who hinders our member from penetration.

You’re hanging at the club with a nice (and more importantly: willing) feline cornered against the wall. Your tongue’s down her throat, your bulge is aching to escape your oh-so-tight Calvin’s, and you think you’re minutes from swinging to your bachelor pad, Tarzan.

That’s when it goes down, the almighty JUNGLE RRRROAR. Her gal pal arrives on the scene with the Jaws of Life and makes the play to pry your catch away from you. She does that little tap-on-the-shoulder of YOUR hottie, the kind of faux-polite, cutesy shit we despise. A brief girlie, whisper-fest later and you lose: Jane is out of there, forcing you to seek solace in the arms of one hairy-ass mo’fo — Cheetah.

And you know this “gal pal” because she’s the hideous creature who’s been left at the punch bowl, all by her trollsome™, one too many times. She figures if she goes boner-hopping with Ms. Hottie enough, that maybe once, just once, she’ll get lucky and receive the spillover. In internet-speak: ROFLMAO. Gal pal, there’s only one savior for you…

B.O.B. (Battery Operated Boyfriend). May you wield it carefully in the bath tub, Ms. Obi Wand Cannoli™.

And guys can be just as intrusive, perhaps more so. Because cocks are more in touch with their primitive “survival of the fittest, I must fuck more women than you to ensure the survival of my species” side. Or let’s say, more driven by it. And that leads to territorial battles (see: Siegfried vs. Roy for the right to shack up with the Bengal tigers).

Yes, believe it or not, our friends absolutely disdain seeing us hook-up with any female on two legs, one leg if she has nice hooters. Because that means they have to play Steve Martin in Lonely Guy all over again.

“Bartender, another drink for my loser friend.”

For awhile, the alcohol acts as a deterrent, while Lonely Guy occupies himself by making shadow puppets against the wall — as he holds it up, the wall, High School style. But when reality strikes and he realizes YOU are scoring big time, and he’s going home ALONE, it’s: “Fuck you, I’m outta here, you want a ride home, you better hurry up, shit, got any gas money?”

That’s right, it always boils down to oil. (And we don’t even want to imagine the blocking that goes down in the Gulf!) It also comes down to the E-G-O factor. Every Good Orgasm™. For every good orgasm you’ve had, there’s been a hundred lousy ones. Good ones being when another person was involved, bad ones being, well…you get the idea. It’s no fun going home alone. Boo-fucking-hoo!

Do a little personal inventory the next time one of your buds scores and leaves you on the sidelines to cheer. The question to ask yourself: Are you gracious enough to lead those cheers? Be a good yell-leader? Or, are you going to be that 10-year-old punk who takes his ball (Ford Pinto) and goes home?

If you wanna be a real trooper, you’ll take one for the team. You’ll run cover and intercept that hunchback when you see her limping across the playing field En route to pry Cinderella from your pal’s GHB-clutches. Step up, dude. Buy her a drink, tell her how lovely she looks…

Hell, sit on a couch with her all night long if it means the difference between your teammate reaching the Tunnel of Lust, or both of you going home to watch Spank-a-Vision together.

Who knows? Next time it may just be you who is rewarded with a bone-pass™ out of the E-B-O Hall of Shame.

Best Professions to get laid at

1. Nothing is as it seems — usually.

This means, no matter how hot she looks (on the Internet), how much money she says she makes, etc., that nine times out of ten, her picture will be from 10 years ago, and she’ll be employed part time at a dog parlor washing Fido.

2. Stop spending so much time going through the same pictures.

All the time, every day, you look at the same photos over and over. You know the ones: the ones that have been on the dating site before there even was a dating site! This is “overkill” and it’ll only add more frustration to an already frustrating situation: you don’t have a girl.

Try stepping away from the dating service for a while, even a day. Come back refreshed, refresh your cache, and you may even find someone new. Or at least someone who looks new because she’s finally updated her pictures for the first time in ten years.

3. Don’t make yourself sound like you have your own reality show.

Seriously, there are enough “cool” and “important” people out there already. At least ones that think they are. Why do you want to follow their lead? They’re f-ing losers who like to pretend they have it going on, when the only thing they have going on, is the need to pretend they’re actually important — and not just another being of light who shits, sleeps and sucks oxygen like the rest of us.

Be real. Not “reality.”

4. Don’t blab too much in the first contact.

Here’s what a sales pitch looks like in three easy steps. It should be the format you follow in your initial approach.

A. Mention they look interesting, and you like their taste in music or emoticons or whatever.

B. Then state “this is what I have to offer you and why we might click.” (Keep it short!)

C. Then say: “Drop me a line if you’d like to know more.”

It’s really that simple. Because all the words in the world aren’t going to make one iota of a difference if they’re not attracted to your picture from the get-go. We don’t care what they say about “personality.” It’s an f-ing lie. They’re looking at your picture, first and foremost, sizing you up just like you do.

5. A phone call is mandatory in the first week of communication.

You don’t want to get to attached to her via the written word. Because that’s when you get all carried away via the written word, and the words begin to touch the chords of fantasy, the dream you want her to be. On the phone, you’ll hear immediately if there’s a possible connection.

6. Don’t be afraid to say “no thank you” before it even begins.

Online dating is primarily Awkward. It is not “love at first sight,” and it’s never going to be. It is kind of like trying to force that round peg into the square hole. Usually, that ain’t gonna happen. So before it even starts, just walk away from it.

Hmm. Are we saying Internet dating is not natural? Yes, we are. But that doesn’t mean you can’t do it! And possibly even be successful at it.

7. Don’t send a form letter to bunch of girls playing the numbers game.

Narrow it down to a few girls you think you could be really interested in. Spend the time getting to know their profiles, and then develop your letter to conform to what makes them tick. Or, at least, what they say makes them tick.

8. There can be no second message.

She gets one chance. You have confidence in yourself. You don’t need to beg someone you don’t even know just to have an opportunity to correspond with them. Next!

9. Keep your political beliefs out of your profile.

This is something that often gets in the way too soon into a relationship. Sadly enough, these are positions we didn’t even develop on our own. We just allowed mom and dad’s hand-me-down tastes/morals to affect our beliefs, then f*ck up our future relationships.

10. Lose the egocentric pictures of you working out, or the opposite, playing with children and/or puppies.

Because we know that ain’t really you — unless the children aren’t yours, and you can throw the puppy over the hedge when you’re done posing with it.

11. Avoid telling her you hate puppies in first message.

Likewise, don’t tell her you’re not into romantic moonlit walks, chick flicks, and making her laugh whenever possible. Play along with her “fantasy Prince Charming” role model until you’ve actually had a chance to meet her and let her know, in person, that you are definitely not that ideal and you never plan to be.

You’re you, man! Don’t ever forget that. Walk proud, carry a large penis extension, and you’ll be fine.

What are you waiting for?

P.S. If the online dating thing has become an online addiction, you need to let it go. Seriously. Trust that you’ll find her when you least expect it, when you’re following your own path to enlightenment. Enlightenment that doesn’t include spending 39.95 a month just for a chance to look at old pictures.

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Recommended reading: The 5 Biggest Lies of Internet Dating

There’s usually two choices when it comes down to figuring out her body language, the hard part is differentiating between the two.

1) She’s seriously tweaked, drunk, on X, etc. Time to pull her into the bathroom stall and hit it before she finds her way back to the sorority house.

2) Those hypnotist classes you’ve been taking at the Learning Annex have really been doing you wonders, Swami G.

1) Good choice going with the blue shirt and black jacket over the black shirt with blue jacket. Reel her in!

2) Recognizes you from fourth season of COPS.

1) She’s always dreamed of a Something About Mary Moment.

2) Wants you to see how sexy Supercuts can be.

1) She’s open to your next move.

2) She’s broke and hopes your next move includes buying her a free drink.

1) She thinks love is just a high school drama class waiting to happen.

2) Drama ensues when you realize “she” wants you to co-star in the Crying Game.

1) She wants to make sure you’re still looking when she turns back again.

2) Brad Pitt is standing in the doorway, she’s not going to be looking back again.

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What are the 11 Mistakes of online dating?

1. What’s the worst mistake a guy can make in approaching a woman?

TFD: Being nervous. You can get away with almost anything if you are calm
and assured. Women can detect nervousness a mile away, and it is a turn off to them… they like confidence.

SC: Approaching her with a compliment or a pick up line.

2. Best approach?

TFD: The best approach is to “not worry about the outcome.” You can
approach a woman almost any way, if you understand it is a numbers
game and it doesn’t really make any difference if you succeed or fail.
Your odds of success go up dramatically with this attitude.

SC: Wait and observe and when the time is right walk up to her with lots of enthusiasm, tons of charisma, total confidence and make an observation. Then, begin picking on her and making fun of her. Do not let her know that you are interested or that you want her because the second she knows she can have you, she will not want you anymore. This is the game… women want a challenge; men need to learn how to give it to them.

3. What are proven to be the best places to pick-up women?

TFD: Somewhere where there aren’t a lot of distractions is the best usually. The internet is good too, but that is a different type of pick-up.

SC: Parties, bars, nightclubs, patio’s, lounges and my favorite: hotel lobby bars! Anywhere where alcohol is involved.

4. A normal guy’s batting average is usually what?

TFD: Nearly zero.

SC: 1 out 10 if he’s lucky.

5. What’s the best opening line you’ve ever heard? Did it work?

TFD: You can walk up to a woman and say: “Hi, I don’t have time to talk, but if you’re single I’d really like to talk to you sometime…do you have email?” And if you do it in a calm, comfortable way you can get a HIGH percentage of women to give you their info right there on the spot, with no conversation needed.

SC: Nice sweater… did your grandmother knit that for you? And, yes it worked like a charm.

6. Most effective way to close the deal and get a date?

TFD: In my view you don’t close a deal and get a date. You get her e-mail
or phone number first, WITHOUT doing anything. Then e-mail her or call
her, and set up a time to see her. Don’t call it a date, just do
something casual together, so you get a chance to check her out and
see if you are interested in seeing her again. You want to qualify
her, and make it seem like you are qualifying her, not the other way
around.

SC: Wait until you make her laugh (laughter is the key to woman’s heart and also the key into her sweet little panties) Then create a connection by saying something like “you know what… you and I have a lot of chemistry.” She’s going to stop and think and say to herself: “Yeah we do.” Why? Because you just made her laugh. You just created a connection, it’s really that easy! Then, you TELL her to write her number down or you TELL her to give her number to you. Never ask for her number. And if she asks for your number DO NOT GIVE IT TO HER. She will not call you and is only asking to get you off her back. Women look to men for security and leadership and if you don’t deliver, she will relieve you of your duty and take over and that’s usually the beginning of the end for you. To be truly successful at seduction and dating all you need is some balls damn it!

7. What’s the best opening line you’ve ever heard?

TFD: You can walk up to a woman and say “Hi, I don’t have time to talk, but if you’re single I’d really like to talk to you sometime… do you have email?” And if you do it in a calm, comfortable way you can get a HIGH percentage of women to give you their info right there on the spot with no conversation needed.

SC: Nice sweater… did your grandmother knit that for you? And, yes it worked like a charm.

8. Most effective way to close the deal and get a date?

TFD: In my view you don’t close a deal and get a date. You get her e-mail or phone number first, WITHOUT doing anything. Then e-mail her or call her, and set up a time to see her. Don’t call it a date, just do something casual together, so you get a chance to check her out and see if you are interested in seeing her again.

SC: Wait until you make her laugh (laughter is the key to woman’s heart and also the key into her sweet little panties).

9. Advice for when to ask a girl out on a second date?

TFD: Depends on the situation, but usually call a day or two after the first date and set up some activity… again, not a “date”… just doing something together. Do NOT appear to anxious to get together again. I DO NOT advise a “dinner” or “movie,” but coffee or a drink, or going to a bookstore or mall or something…something different and low key works best in most cases.

SC: Play your cards right and you won’t need a second date.

10. What topics are off limits on a first or second date?

TFD: Boring topics, like where you work, where you or she went to school, etc. Keep it FUN… unpredictable is good.

SC: Do not talk about sex or having it. Do not compliment her over and over again. Do not talk about your ex (unless she talks about hers) and do not discuss any negative aspects of your life. Be happy, be proud and stay positive and don’t you dare let her give you any attitude. Always stand up for yourself, put her down and let her know that she’s the lucky one to be out with you not the other way around. Be cocky, be funny and most importantly be confident, sarcastic and condescending. Beautiful women love guys who think they’re the shit!

11. Should a guy ask a girl if he can kiss her on the first date or just go
for it?

TFD: There is a sure fire way to tell if you can kiss a girl…But if you miss the opportunity for a kiss and don’t do it, if she is expecting it, you have just sunk your opportunity for success with her. You need to step up and do it if the opportunity is there.

SC: NEVER EVER ASK A WOMAN IF YOU CAN KISS HER. That is the epitome of insecurity. Wait for your moment or create the moment and then just kiss her. Or do what I do: As she’s talking, tell her to shut up, and then kiss her. Remember she wants to be with a man, not a boy. Act like it!

12. What’s more fruitful these days: finding women through the internet or
in real time?

TFD: I like the internet. Women on the internet are LOOKING and available.
That saves a lot of time and the numbers are in your favor.

SC: Are you kidding? The internet is the most useless place to find women. Most the women on the internet are users and are there to feed their own ego’s at your expense. Always real time. Your conversion rates in real time are a hell of a lot higher.

13. The worst mistake a guy makes when he is trying to get a date over the internet?

TFD: Spending too much time e-mailing back and forth, and trying to impress
a girl with his e-mail. NO long e-mails, no kissing ass in e-mails. Keep them short and sweet, and unusual if possible. They should be somewhat personal, but not too much.

SC: Trying to get a date on the internet.

14. How does a guy fend off a cockblocker?

TFD: Make friends with them and deal with them BEFORE your target. Then
move in on your target after the block is comfortable with you. In groups it is BEST to not go for your target first, but others around your target.

SC: Divide and Conquer. They become victims of the game. He puts them down and makes fun of them in front of the girl he’s trying to pick up, it works every time.

15. Is it okay for a guy to date a girl his friend has already been out with?

TFD: I wouldn’t usually advise it, unless the other guy truly doesn’t care.
There are plenty of women out there, and it is best to stay away from married or involved women, or any woman who can cause potential problems in your life or current relationships.

SC: Only if his friend consents to it. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

16. What’s the most important thing a guy can improve to increase his dating
success?

SC: Change the way he dresses, the way he talks and the way he behaves.

TFD: Be comfortable with himself and know who he is. Being yourself is the
best way to achieve success with women…they don’t want phonies,
they want a real man.

Randy Guy caught up with the Twins long after they were opening for a Drag show in the San Fernando Valley [see above]…BTW, no exclamation points were harmed, nor edited, during the conducting of this interview!!!!!!!!!

TGR: What’s the first thing you notice about a man?

Diane: I notice his teeth, then his skin. Right off the bat!!

Elaine: What pops out to me is a great smile!

TGR: How can he make you feel comfortable?

Elaine: When he is confident but not cocky. I don’t like a guy who’s full of himself!

TGR: What subjects should be covered in the first meeting?

Diane: A man should talk small-talk first, “Where are you from? Do you have brothers and sisters??” Then move into deeper, intelligent talk. Or something that makes you laugh!

TGR: What subjects are taboo?

Elaine: There are no “taboo” subjects.

TGR: When the moment of truth arrives – and he has to ask you out, or go home and regret it – how should a man stand and deliver?

Diane: Just be straight and direct with your questions: “I like you and want to get to know you better.” No pussy footing!!

TGR: Best opening line you’ve heard?

Elaine: Guys have complimented me on my eyes before ever saying “hello.” Start with a compliment, that’s always best to me!

TGR: Worst opening line?

Diane: Well if I’m alone, it’s: “Hey, babe!!” I’m like: “Hey, babe what?!!” If I’m with Elaine, it’s: “Ah, are you guys twins!!”

TGR: Ideal first date?

Elaine: A nice meal, some nice wine and nice conversation!

TGR: What’s a date killer?

Diane: Body odor, bad breath and boring conversation.

TGR: Turn-ons?

Elaine: A man who likes to suck my toes! All ten of them, thank you!

TGR: Biggest mistake a guy can make sexually?

Diane: 2 Fast 2 Furious!!

TGR: Boxers or briefs?

Elaine: I love those “tightie whites!”

TGR: Music that puts you in the mood?

Elaine: Sade, Sade, and Sade.

TGR: What percentage do you get hit on now, as opposed to life BC?

Elaine: Ha,ha! That’s cute! Guys ask us out all the time! It’s increased 150%! It has been wild.

TGR: Advice for men trying to score on twins?

Diane: Not gonna happen. Don’t go there!!

Elaine: Unless you’re rich!!

Diane: Yeah!!!

The 5 Biggest - Female - Lies of Internet Dating

OK, this is from direct experience on match.com, and a certain date I, Randy Guy, went on recently. She will remain nameless, mainly because I have already forgotten her name, and image, which gave me chills at night. Kind of like the kind you get when you’re detoxing. But I digress.

1. Pictures

OK, girls: How about you snap a current picture (or three), and not use one from your high school year book? Or the one with the fancy “mood” lighting. Guess what? You might have to meet us one day. You know the mood then? Awkwwwwwwward.

2. Smoking

Last time we checked, “absolutely not” under the smoking question meant, yup, absolutely not. If you have a slight problem of chain smoking a pack a day, guess what? It’s a no-brainer. You’re a smoker! Next!

3. Health

“Keeping it healthy” does not mean you dine out for Krispy Kremes at midnight and your breakfast consists of Twinkies, Diet Coke and Zoloft. It means: balanced diet, the kind that’ll help you stop that f-ing twitching!

4. Workout

OK, working out “5 times a week” does not translate into walking from your car to get the Twinkies and Diet Coke. Note: This DOES NOT HELP the twitching. And please: Don’t point at your belly and say it would take you a week to get it in shape. It would take you: NEVER, that’s how long.

5. Age

If you’re 38 in real life, that doesn’t make you 29 on the Internet. It makes you 38. We know how hard it is for you to DO THE MATH, but trust us: You’re over-the-hill. It’s time you started acting your age and started accepting advances from the creeps down at the Home Depot.

P.S. By the way, ladies, I still like romantic walks on the beach, poetry and Plushies. If you happen to run into me on match.com, please don’t be afraid to say hello, or cuddle. I’m great with tools!

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Recommended reading: 11 Mistakes of Online Dating

If you haven’t figured it out by now, sex is the drug that makes the world go round. And, if you happen to be one of the many babes who help sell us that world — through Acting, Stripping, Modeling, Whatever — then, well, bonus for you. The rest of us, of course, crave you 24/7. But you know that. And for the purpose of this article, we probably shouldn’t let onto our little weakness, but you are our f*cking Kryptonite.

Forget you heard that, because we’re going to pretend you’re just another girl next door: we may like you when you bring us milk and cookies, but other than that, we want nothing to do with you, and you’d be lucky to have us.

This is the attitude (read: pretense) we have to take if we have any shot at scoring with you.

The truth is, most of us start out believing we have no shot in hell with you, a certified hottie. But we’re here to tell you, this is all in your mind, brother. You DO have a chance. So follow along with our trusty little hunting guide and, who knows, you may just score more than milk and cookies one of these days.

1. Remember, Miss AMSW spends a lifetime with guys buzzing around her hive. If she senses you’re just another horndog out to hump her leg, it’s over for you before you begin.

Advice in that case: Find a fire hydrant.

2. As mentioned above, if you begin the hunt with the belief that you don’t deserve the prime cut, it’s over for you before you begin.

Advice in that case: Be happy with the milk and cookie girl.

3. Before you set out on your hunting expedition, you first need to do the footwork. In this case, the footwork begins with developing self-appreciation for yourself, i.e., If you don’t feel good about yourself, how would you ever expect anybody else to?

4. Establish what you have to offer her, other than the usual horndog approach. We’ll refer to this as the “alternative sell.” And, it’s not just: “Hey, baby, you’re hot, I could do you.” That would be the Loser approach.

5. Like any good salesman, your first objective is to identify what you have to offer the “buyer.” What it is that will pique her curiosity. It’s not: “Hey, baby, you’re hot, can I hump your leg?”

The Alternative Sell:

1. Make Me Laugh

You’ve read the internet profiles and the Playboy turn-offs and turn-ons and you know “a guy with a sense of humor” is always near the top of the wish list. Of course, if you look like Hunchback of Notre Dame, it probably doesn’t matter if you have the humor quotient of Dave Chappelle.

But we’re assuming you’re not that horrific looking, and you don’t spend your days ringing the town bell.

Humor is always a great opener. And, we’re not talking mean, sarcastic humor, like they teach you on those f-ing idiotic internet pickup sites. We’re talking self-deprecating humor or clever wit.

Your opening begins with a smile, gets followed up with a clever remark and you wait to see if she takes the bait. If not, you pretty much fall back on option two: Masturbation. Or mean and vindictive humor to put her in her place properly

2. If She Only Had a Brain

Listen, if Dorothy had a brain, she wouldn’t have needed all those other brainless guys to help her find her way back to Kansas. On the other hand, if Stripper A had a brain, she probably wouldn’t be dancing around a pole in Kansas. She might have actually graduated from college and gotten a real job — like making movies about bimbos trying to find their way back to Kansas.

You need to show your target you have a brain, and you’re not afraid to use it. And that, one day, your brain might be able to help her find her way the hell out of Kansas, i.e., You make lots of money because you’re smart and you’ll need a hot trophy wife to look good behind the white picket fence (before it blows away in a cyclone).

How do you do this? How the hell do we know? We’re not that smart. You, are either that smart, or you’re not. If you are, then let your IQ speak for itself, don’t flaunt it. If you’re not that smart, read on…

3. It IS Who You Know

Okay, Randy is going to use himself as an example on this one. You see, he is about to stop writing about himself in the third person and…

I know lots of people. Mom, dad, brother, sister, friends, and lots of editors of magazines. Lots of editors of girly magazines who could stick babes I recommend on the pages of their magazines (hopefully in 3D!). So, if I like a girl, I may give them an assist on their career, and that’s all. I don’t ask for anything in return.

Hopefully, they see how gregarious you are with your connections, and they stop thinking of their self-absorbed-model-selves long enough to think about you, and what you might like as a reward. (Hmm. I can think of a couple of initials).

4. Shoulder to Cry On

This one is tricky to finesse because you risk becoming just the shoulder and nothing else, enabling her to dump all her crap on you like you’re the gay best friend and all you are going to do is listen to her bitch and moan all day, then watch Queer Eye on DVD at night. It’s okay to begin like this but, at some point, early on, you’re going to have to throw out a few feelers in the direction of romance. These days, this is very easy, and can be accomplished with a greeting card, an email, or a full-on stalking operation.

5. You Are the Mystery Man (turn the tables on her!)

You have something mysterious that gives you an air of confidence and, if you wear it well, she will eventually want to know what it is.

Examples abound:

A) You are the Frog Prince Sheik of a small Arab country.
B) You lettered in three sports in college, including Panty Raiding.
C) You are hung like a horse.

Final Crib Notes:

1. DO NOT be a brown-noser and throw her a bunch of compliments. She is so used to this ass-kissing. And the moment you tell her how hot she is, is the moment where you completely get wiped off the EGM: eligible guy map.

Be nice, but DO NOT be just another dude who gives her yet another “approval fix.” You will never fill the shoes of her dearly dysfunctional dad who never gave her shit. BTW, that’s why she’s in the line of work she is anyway: Seeking world wide approval from men far and wide.

2. If you find out she has a Significant Other, DO NOT waste your time, the odds at you failing have just increased tenfold. There are plenty of other mermaids in the sea.

3. Be YOURSELF. But spend the time fleshing out the sides of you which feasibly could attract an extremely gorgeous babe into your life. If you come to the conclusion that you’ve got no game: DO NOT waste your time. Go back to your normal girlfriend and re-enlist in your internet porn program.

SIDEBAR: Scam Kit

It would be wise to carry the following items along with you to help aide in your hunt.

1. Smokes: How do you think she keeps so thin? Be ready with a smoke and lighter wherever she roams.

2. Barf bag: This is the other way she keep thin. And you should let her know you understand her “problem,” and you’re willing to help her overcome it. Yes, you’ll sit with her while she’s barfing out the three bites of yogurt she had for breakfast.

3. Rice Cakes: After she barfs, she’s going to need something to put in that anorexic frame, to keep her from blowing away in a four mile-an-hour breeze (let alone a cyclone).

4. Drugs: In your case, well, that’s your call. But your best bet might be a) X, or b) a roofie. But if it’s “B” make sure you have a video camera on hand so you can prove to your friends you banged a supermodel/stripper/actress/whatever.

And don’t forget to send us a copy of the video!

[editor Randy's note: My fingers are really swollen after this one. Well, OK, not just from typing, but, my point is...]

Here’s a companion piece to the above.

So, you say you can’t find a suitable girlfriend? Just when you think she’s the perfect one and you’re ready to anoint her goddess extraordinaire and about to pledge your undying faith (on weekends) and commit to her on an almost full-time basis – and then ask her if she can invite her best friend over for a tri-bangathon – a major red flag goes up and she commits a major faux pas, e.g. she won’t sew your name tag on your underwear before you go to summer camp.

You toss her back in the sea and throw the proverbial line back in the water for another fishy, complaining to your friends that she just wasn’t enough like my mom.

Warning! Stop, not in the name of love, but in the name of some kind of shit that goes down in the South every day. Proceed to the nearest shrink, do not pass go. Yes, you have crossed over into Oedipusville – you want to murder your father so you can sleep with your mother. Can you say: Jerry Springer material?

You don’t want to know how Oedipus’ story ended…yet.

Chances are, your dirt is buried so deep you may not even know it exists. But, if you go through a quiver of women as fast as George W. Bush lacerates the English syntax, “Houston, we may have a problem.”

Yeah, your rocket wants to blast off in the wrong direction and the command post needs to turn your ship around and de-program that incest-infested vessel before you end up challenging Pa to a Battle of the Foreskins™. And then wind up being tried in a court by your own peers. (I don’t know about you, but our peers speak perfect English and are clever enough to never have to serve on a jury.)

It’s a fact: some of us like our mothers, others of us despise them. Actually, let us put it in an equation for those of you who excelled at math better than English:

You + Older Women = You did not get the proper mommy-ing in your life. You are seeking compensation, therefore the incessant hanging out at the nursing home.

You + Any Woman Who is Not Enough = Chances are you actually liked your mom and have set the bar too high for an average woman. By average, we mean, psychotic, of course.

Okay, okay, so now you’re wondering: Is there any way to find a healthy relationship?

And, we say, yes! But you need to constantly repeat these affirmations to yourself:

1. My mom is good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, I love her. As for my girlfriend…well she’s okay, and that’s…okay…for now.

2. No matter how many wombs I spend a lifetime trying to climb into, I will never emerge out again from my mommy’s and have free passage to ride the nipple of my choice.

3. Click your heels three times: There is no such thing as perfection, there is no such thing as perfection…There’s also no such thing as a Maude for you Harold, a Mrs. Robinson for you Benjamin, a Siegfried for you Roy…

If the above fails to help you, then g’head, make your own bed, Oeddy: Slay your father, marry your mother, and then when you find her hung in the bedroom, you can use her broaches to blind yourself. Not how you used to blind yourself in junior high – with the National Geographic. Nope, this one will be ugly and make your self-imposed exile to the bat cave a dark and disturbing experience.

“Can someone, anyone, please direct me to the crap hole?”

*

Recommended reading:

Beware the Cockblocker