5 Tips For Hooking Up At The Bar

Posted by Mr. Guy March - 5 - 2010 - Friday 1 COMMENT


1. Don’t sit there all night wishing you could talk to her. Walk across the floor and offer to buy her a B.F.A.B. (Big Fat Ass Beer.) THAT is a f-ing Man. If you can’t do this within 5 minutes of seeing her, just go home, you’re wasting your time. Consult Spank-O-Vision.

2. Be respectful when you’re talking to her. Don’t talk about You. Find out stuff about Her. You know: what kind of shoes and purses she likes best, how many rice cakes she eats in a day, this kind of thing that women thrive off of.

3. If you’re in your “trying to get her to smile at me” mode and she won’t, move the f*ck on. If she’s not opening up, that means, shocker, she’s just not into opening up to you. Don’t let it bring you down, means nothing about you unless YOU allow it to. (Hint: that means: develop some spine/confidence, man!) *

4. Don’t keep drinking at the same watering hole expecting “the one” to walk in the door, then be upset when it’s 1:59 A.M. and she still hasn’t arrived. Move on, go to another joint. You can feel the vibe of a club the moment you happen upon the scene (or no scene). In other words, if it AIN’T HAPPENING, KEEP MOVIN’…And if the movement happens to take you closer to a slice of pizza than the next bar, by all means…

5. Don’t go out to a bar, or anywhere for that matter, “wanting” to hook-up! Say what? I know, I know, we’re ALL going to the bar WANTING to hook-up. But if you can PRETEND you’re not at the bar WANTING to hook-up…Ya know, aren’t your friends work stories hilarious?? Isn’t looking at the ESPN Ticker for the 31st time in the last five minutes fun!? Haha, you’re having a grand old time, and, shocker, it makes her curious: “Ya mean, oh my gosh, he could be happy without my cooch in his face?”

And therein lies the secret to dating, my friends: BE HAPPY! In fact, Don’t Worry, Be Happy. You’ll be amazed at how that simple philosophy attracts more cooch in the face than you ever dreamed of.


“Um, k, I know I dreamed of this moment, but now what?”

* Plenty of tips on this type of thing if you scour the Dating Archive.

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Chick Magnet

Posted by Mr. Guy February - 25 - 2010 - Thursday ADD COMMENTS

“Take me out to the park, beeotch, and just watch me work.”

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10 Ways to Get a Girl

Posted by Mr. Guy February - 23 - 2010 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS


1. Tie her up.

2. Tie her mother up.

3. Promise to dress the part for Danny Zuko Saturday Night Fevers*.

4. Get a f_ing puppy.

5. Money.

6. Sorry, the best things in life ARE NOT FREE, once again, the answer is: M-O-N-E-Y.

7. Buy HER a puppy (but be careful! Someone might beat you out…If you hold the puppy, you hold the power. Never forget this! Put it on your wall if you have to. A license pl8 frame wouldn’t hurt either.)

8. Conversation.

9. If she won’t listen to conversation — mainly about the 48 ways you want to have sex with her — a roofie always works wonders. Then you can do WAY more than 48!

10. Humor her. That, along with money, the roofie, and massive Zukonian skills, usually does the trick.

P.S. Don’t forget to untie your future ex-mother-in-law!


* Yes, that was a compound movie reference above. Consider yourself a genius. Shouldn’t you be getting back to work? WTF?

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Asshole Coach of Week: Kansas State Frank Martin Hits Player

Posted by Mr. Guy January - 9 - 2010 - Saturday 2 COMMENTS

This was right before Coach Martin took a physical shot at his player. Of course, being the kiss-ass he is, ESPN’s Fran Fraschilla followed Martin’s slight punch with: “Oh, his players really love him.” Doesn’t look like love to me Frannie. Looks a wee bit abusive. And, oh darn, the AHCW lost.

Frank Martin just before he hits his player in loss to Missouri.

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NCAA Considers Don’t Ask-Don’t Tell Policy

Posted by Mr. Guy December - 18 - 2009 - Friday ADD COMMENTS

“No one’s watching! Kiss me now!!”

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Hey Guy 1

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 25 - 2009 - Saturday ADD COMMENTS

Who ya gonna bang?

I was hanging out at this neighborhood chick’s pad the other night when this other dude showed up. No biggie, but I kinda thought she invited me over for a little action. Wasn’t sure what to do, so I sat there for like five hours, well, mainly listening to her pontificate on her theories of the world. Problem being, he sat there too. And, when we finally did leave, it was together, because she said she was getting tired. Should I have stuck around? How should I play it now?

- Balls to the Walls From Buffalo Baby!

Hey Balls to the Wall!

Buffalo? Whatever. First off, I am guessing she was pretty hot. Otherwise why would TWO dudes sit there for five hours (are you kidding me?!) and listen to her spew about her theories of why fur is murder, and how the average American knows that 911 was a hoax? It was, but that’s another article waiting to be googled.

Number two: You shouldn’t have sat there for five hours. Bad call. It only reinforced your desperation to get laid. If you would’ve made the early exit, sure, you would’ve left the other dude behind, and he MIGHT have gotten laid. But it would be you who laid down the path of mystery. Her thinking, “Um, like, OMG! Was it me? Is it something I did? Why did he not want to hook-up with me? OMG! Is one of my breasts crooked?”

Yup, you would’ve lost the battle, but positioned yourself to kick major ass in the war.

Sometimes it helps to know when to go all “balls to the wall,” and when to go “f*ck off, if you want me to lay you, next time lose the other tool and that rap about fur. Because if it’s one thing I can’t stand, is a woman afraid to get a little blood on a baby seal.”

Hey! It’s worked for me.

Guy Love to Y’all

P.S. How you play it now: Don’t call her. Don’t text her. Don’t email her. Don’t stalk her. The ball(s) is in her court, she’ll let you know if she wants them pounding up against her backboard any time soon.

Read: Hey Guy 2

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Girl-on-Girl Gone Wild

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 23 - 2009 - Thursday ADD COMMENTS

These days it’s easy to identify the female members of Generation Y. They’re the ones wearing the stupid trucker hats, the equally as lame oversize diva shades, and sporting the tramp stamp while declaring themselves bi-sexual. That’s right, girls-on-girls gone wild. But how many of these girls really are bisexual and how many of them are simply striking the trendy pose?

Speaking of striking a pose, perhaps the recent rush of “bisexual chic” was ushered in when the Queen of Posers, Madonna, traded saliva with Britney Spears at the 2003 MTV Music Video Awards. It was as if, overnight, “bisexuality” was let out of the closet, making it acceptable for young girls everywhere to experiment with the equation (i.e., if Britney’s doing it, with Madonna, then it must be cool). It wasn’t like they all rushed right out and started swapping spit with their nearest gal pal. They were, however, quick to slap the label on them themselves on their myspace pages, lest they be called squares by the pack.

Jumping on the bi-bandwagon seems to be particularly prevalent at teenage and college parties, once the girls are properly liquored and X’d up. That’s when the dance-floor kissing starts, often egged on by the boys in tribal sports-mode: “Tongue! Tongue! Tongue!”

“I liked the attention,” says a 17-year-old girl from Florida, who has had a boyfriend for two years and sometimes does it in front of him. “He likes it. It’s fun.”

That’s just what the Baby Boomers were saying about the hula hoop.

But what happens to boyfriend and girlfriend if girlfriend becomes attached to another girl and it lasts for more than just the innocent smooch? The “fun” probably disappears pretty quickly. Although, this fad doesn’t seem to be rooted in the attachment to the same sex. It seems to be about trial, and, in many instances, error – kids lost in transition (read: confusion) between adolescence and adulthood. Think of it more as your typical teen and young-adult rite of passage: escaping from parental boundaries. In previous generations, young girls may have rebelled by being promiscuous. Today, they’re kissing other girls.

Yet, there are young women who use the experiment of “bi” to transition to the real thing: full on lesbo. It’s safer for them to declare their bisexuality, because if someone calls them out, for being a lesbian, they can just tell them to stuff it, they were just playing around, like everyone is doing. Well, everyone except the boys, because it is just not as culturally accepted, or encouraged (thankfully!)

But if a young woman does travel down the path of bi-ism and arrive at gay, what might her reasons be for switching teams? “I think emotional attachment is a good factor,” says a hot 21-year-old college student from UC Santa Barbara, who calls herself gay. “Because girls are more understanding of each other.”

Think about it. When a young woman leaves home – for the first time in her life – to go to college, there’s a void in the emotional nurturing she was hopefully receiving from mom and dad. How is she going to compensate for that? With a college boy who is going through his own trials and tribulations, and stupid frat games, and surely can’t be counted on to cuddle for more than the time it takes to flip the remote to Sportscenter? Or with a young woman who, maybe, understands where she is coming from emotionally?

Fact: Men simply aren’t as sensitive as women would like us to be. And it’s not only in the “feeling” department. “Women know how to please each other,” says the UC Santa Barbara student, talking about why she likes sex with women. “We know what works for us, so we use what we know to please each other.”

Dudes would be wise to view their next girl-on-girl porn scene, not with an eye for simply getting off but, with an eye for learning a few stimulating moves. True, we do possess the c*ck, but obviously sex isn’t all about letting it loose and watching it crow. It’s about finesse, and, hate to say: caring. That’s why many women probably turn away from our “same old song and dance.” And when they’re smoking hot, and young, that’s a blow to us all.

But, many will say, a preference for the same sex isn’t natural. Yet who knows what’s natural and what isn’t? Who’s to say that we’re not biologically predisposed to being bi, or gay, or trannie or even Little Richard. FYI: Among birds, 10 to 15 percent of female western gulls are homosexual. Among mammals, male and female dolphins frequently engage in homosexual activity, yes, in the wild, but also in captivity (try showing that at Sea World).

And, the bonobo population? (Apes closely related to humans.) Studies show that whether in the wild or captivity, nearly all are bisexual, and nearly half their sexual interactions are with the same sex.

Bonus track: the females have been observed to engage in gay activity almost hourly. Yup, Bonbos Gone Wild. Better order the DVD soon.

“Don’t worry about it, Harry, it happens to everyone.”

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How To Get More Dates 1

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 23 - 2009 - Thursday ADD COMMENTS

We were at a party the other night, and there was a discussion going on. It was provoked by a guy who confessed, that after years of experiencing rejection, he’d lost all ability to even approach a pretty woman. Sad.

The topic of Internet pickup gurus came up, and mainly: Could these methods work for us? And, more importantly:

What is the bottom line in picking up women?

This is when this beautiful woman joined in. And I mean, WOMAN. “Confidence,” she said. Just look us in the eye with confidence.”

Pretty simple, right? I then asked her what happens if we don’t have confidence. “Just fake it,” she chuckled. But she knew it was easier said than done. And, in fact, we would say, “faking it” is next to impossible.

Oh, sure, if we want to land bimbos and skanks, faking it might be a viable option. But if we’re talking: REAL WOMEN, the kind we fantasize about, there is no substitute for CONFIDENCE.

Real confidence, begins when we ask ourselves, and start to live by, two all-important questions:

1) Where am I going?

2) Who is going with me?

NOTE: If we ask those questions in reverse, we’re setting ourselves up to be whipped for our entire life! And aren’t there enough whipped men out there already?

Isn’t it time we became MEN and not MICE?

Think about the Party Goddess’s statement, it’s really simple to intellectualize: In order to get women, we need to possess confidence. How do you do that? We’ll get into it in our next installment of “Get More Dates.”

Get More Dates 2

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10 Ways To Say I Hate You To An Ex

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 22 - 2009 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS

1. “I hate you.”

2. Mail your homemade porn tapes to her parents.

3. Tell her she’s as skanky as Paula Abdul.

4. Tell her again.

5. Report the inadequacy of her BJ technique on wall at Facebook.

6. When you see her face, you don’t even know her — unless she wants to give you a break-up BJ.

7. Report that she did on Facebook.

8. “Je te deteste.”

9. Tell the next b/f you gave her the clap.

10. Give him the clap, too.

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Did You Happen To See The Most Beautiful Girl

Posted by Mr. Guy July - 22 - 2009 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS

OK, you recognize the lyrics in the title. If you don’t, Charlie Rich sung it. It’s an old-school, cheesy kind of tune. But I, Randy Guy, just used the musical accompaniment in a pick-up attempt. Was I successful?

That’s not the point right now. OK? The point is how to use creativity to enhance your pick-up skills. Because, most likely, you’ve been using the rehearsed lines for too long. It’s time to let a little improvisation in on your act…

Walking through the grocery store, I saw her standing there. (She might not have been the Most Beautiful Girl in the World, but she was certainly the MBGIS. Most Beautiful Girl in Store.) I quickly decided against the usual guy approach.* She was too sexy for that. I knew I’d either have to Go Big, or Go Home.

That’s when Charlie Rich came in, his song piped in over the loud speakers. Why not? I figured. What did I have to lose?

I marched right over to her aisle and asked her if she was listening to the song. “Um, yes, dumbass, I’m not deaf.”

She didn’t say that. She smiled, “yes, she was listening,” even though it was apparent her young-school self found it rather, yup, cheesy. But that cheese-factor quickly vanished when I spun the (not-so) Rich into flattery.

I told her she was the Most Beautiful Girl in the World and I wanted to go out with her. She blushed, said thanks, and, sigh, “maybe.”

But her answer isn’t the thing here. The thing is to use the anecdote as an example of how to use your environment and surroundings to go with the creative flow. If you can spin gems like that, you’ll be rewarded one day. Even if she’s not MBGW material.

As it happens, a quick Google later, I find out the song is about break-up. Which I would be perfectly willing to do if the Most Beautiful Girl in the World would just go out with me once. Please call if you’re reading this! I won’t bite. Unless you’re into that kind of thing.

* Ya know, pretend you just happen to need something on the aisle she is standing in. Then proceed to aisle, buy a bunch of sh*t you don’t need, and still drop the ball on talking to her.

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