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The 5 Biggest – Female – Lies of Internet Dating OK, this is from direct experience on match.com, and a certain date I, Randy Guy, went on recently. She will remain nameless, mainly because I have already forgotten her name, and image, which gave me chills at night. Kind of like the kind you get when you’re detoxing. But I digress. 1. Pictures OK, girls: How about you snap a current picture (or three), and not use one from your high school year book? Or the one with the fancy “mood” lighting. Guess what? You might have to meet us one day. You know the mood then? Awkwwwwwwward. 2. Smoking Last time we checked, “absolutely not” under the smoking question meant, yup, absolutely not. If you have a slight problem of chain smoking a pack a day, guess what? It’s a no-brainer. You’re a smoker! Next! 3. Health “Keeping it healthy” does not mean you dine out for Krispy Kremes at midnight and your breakfast consists of Twinkies, Diet Coke and Zoloft. It means: balanced diet, the kind that’ll help you stop that f-ing twitching! 4. Workout OK, working out “5 times a week” does not translate into walking from your car to get the Twinkies and Diet Coke. Note: This DOES NOT HELP the twitching. And please: Don’t point at your belly and say it would take you a week to get it in shape. It would take you: NEVER, that’s how long. 5. Age If you’re 38 in real life, that doesn’t make you 29 on the Internet. It makes you 38. We know how hard it is for you to DO THE MATH, but trust us: You’re over-the-hill. It’s time you started acting your age and started accepting advances from the creeps down at the Home Depot. P.S. By the way, ladies, I still like romantic walks on the beach, poetry and Plushies. If you happen to run into me on match.com, please don’t be afraid to say hello, or cuddle. I’m great with tools! * Recommended reading: 11 Mistakes of Online Dating |
