Archive for November, 2009
“It was like finding out your father is Hitler, says Matthew Roberts, long lost son to Charles Manson. “I’m a peaceful person – trapped in the face of a monster. My hero is Gandhi. I’m an extremely non-violent, peaceful person and a vegetarian. I don’t even kill bugs.”
Oh, you will now. Trust me. You will.
1. Sam Presti, Oklahoma Thunder: Executive of Year
Who would have ever thunk Presti could make us forget the Sonics in such a short time. Seattle grungers must be seething, one more reason to gaze at their shoes.
Sure, they’re practically six feet under ground, but they’re still scoring! This is a future “silver lining” for Jersey (IF there is such a thing). BTW, what is Lawrence Frank still doing at the board? Chemistry class was canceled, dude!
3. Paul Westphal, Sacramento Kings: Extreme NBA Makeover Award
If Arnold could have worked this quickly in the capital of Colliefornia? (Well, he might be able to pronounce “Colliefornia” by now.)
4. Houston Rockets: Scrappiest Bunch in the League
Yao and McGrady’s injuries a blessing in disguise for the future of the franchise? What happens with T-Mac in the mix? Does Scrappy Doo Aaron Brooks still have the “Lemme at ‘em! I’ll splat ‘em!” attitude? Or will he have to take a back seat to Scoob Mac?
5. Ron Artest, Los Angeles Lakers: The Quiet Man
Role player extraordinaire, quietly going about his business, a true professional work ethic in action. Can it last? As long as the Lakers are successful it can. And you just know Ron-Ron is going to be making an appearance on next year’s Entourage, especially if the Lakers win the championship. Victory!
That’s right, kids! Two thumbs up for car salesmen! Used and new! Easy winners of the AbSoFuckinglutely Scummiest Dirtbag Loser Employees of a Lifetime. The A.S.F.S.D.L.E.L. (got all that?) Well get this if you plan to buy a car any time soon.
CAR BUYING TIPS
1. Go test drive several cars with ABSOLUTELY no intention of buying one when you’re there. No matter HOW MUCH you like it. This is about patience, this about saving you up to thousands of dollars if you play your cards right. What are your cards?
2. Get a quote from every dealer you go to, at least on the cars you think you might like.
3. Get thee to the Internet and do the research. Is it a reliable vehicle? How is it rated? What is the difference in the models? What’s the difference in cars of its class? And, most importantly, what’s a REAL price to pay for it, NOT the one the D.D. (Dealer Douchebag) gave you. Start here:
Kelly Blue Book
US News Ranking and Reviews
4. When you see options to get dealer quotes on those sites, do so. But this is KEY: When you have to fill in your phone number use your area code and 555-1212.
5. From this point out, you are only emailing. They will ask to call you, stick to email (with possibly a phone call or two if YOU feel like it). The idea is to get everything in writing.
6. Start by shopping price however far you’re willing to travel to get your vehicle. I recommend getting quotes from dealers maybe a couple of hours from your residence, so you can go back to your local dealer, the guy who gave you the original quote, and say, “Hey, look, I got this quote in the next city over, but I’d like to give you guys my business.”
7. If you are dealing with a trade in. DON’T. If you can help it. Take the time to sell it yourself. And when you do, DO NOT mess around trying to make money off it. Find it’s market value, from the sites above, and don’t try for anything over value, just get rid of it.
If you can’t, and you’re forced to trade it in, make sure you provide the dealer with all the 411 on it: VIN number (so they can make sure it wasn’t in accident), year, mileage, style of car, pictures (of dings, if any). Find out how much your car is worth in a dealer trade-in (sites above), and tell the dealer that’s what you want for it. They will once again say crap like “I can get close…” Say, NO, I need exact numbers or I will take my business elsewhere. And mean that. Remember, you have the ball the entire time, you’re the buyer, don’t be bullied!
8. If they won’t take your trade-in for what you want (and they will try to change it when you are there), tell them you’ll just pay the remainder in money — and sell the car later.
9. If you’re a woman, I’m not being sexist, I’m being protective, take a man with you. Any man will do. Heck, your B.G.F.F. Best Gay Friend Forever from the office.
10. Be willing, at the drop of the hat, to walk away from the deal. There will be another day to get your car, and it may be a totally different car than you set out to get, which is cool, flow…
P.S. DO NOT give your money to anyone you despise — which, I know, is kind of hard when you’re dealing with the A.S.F.S.D.L.E.L. But with planning and patience you can win at this game. So don’t get played playa!
“Eh, eh. Do you believe this guy? What’s it gonna take to put you in this little baby today?”
Dear Mr. Sterling:
Time to finally upgrade your franchise from black & white to color. The first thing that has to go is the white guy in charge of the station. He’s been around as long as rabbit ears — and is about as successful. It sounds like I’m talking about you, Donald, but I’m not, though, now that I think about it…How many bullets you count there, son?
- Concerned Citizens of Clipper Nation