“Repeat after us, humans: h1n1, h1n1…and again.”

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1. Talk

OK, that’s kind of harsh, but when 85% of the shite that comes out of your mouth is all bitch-trashing guys, then we say: shut it. Guys are NOT the reason your life is f’d up. That’s just the excuse.

2. Twirling Your Hair

OK, maybe when you were six this was cutesy. But you’re 29 now and the pigtails have to go. “Yes, daddy.”

3. Cuddle Time

Can we not just give you the Two-Minute Warning Boot, say, well, two minutes after orgasm? Rather than lie around for forty-five minutes, missing valuable Sportscenter time, pretending it isn’t really what you think it is: simply a case of hooking up. Hint: it is!

4. Shop

How many shoes does one Princess possibly need? OK, stop right there Imelda. It’s fine if we happen to be watching sports with the guys, go for it, go shopping. Much rather have you do that than explain what happens when someone “hits a homerun” in the end zone again.

5. Pretend they know sports

This goes doubly to you Linda Cohn (the Great Pretender). Just go shopping, already. Make some chicken soup. Something!

6. High Maintenance Prep Time

You already HAVE a date, there’s no need to put all the layers on when going out with him to try and attract ANOTHER date. Well, maybe there is (see No. 3).

7. Belly Shirts

Are these still in fashion? Apparently for BFOSMs* they are. FYI: We want to throw up on your tummy.

8. Cleavage

It ain’t the cleavage we’re peeved about it, it’s the WAY you look at us when we look at the cleavage you have so expertly prepared to go out in — like we shouldn’t be looking. Guess what? Cover that shit up if you don’t want us perving on it!

9. Faking it

Please, if we wanted a stripper/hooker, we would have paid for one instead of buying you that $150 dinner. We’d like a little intimacy, and not the feeling you’re working on the railroad pounding nails all the live long day. Slow it down, honey! We are NOT on the clock.

10. Whine about how it’s a man’s world

OK, shocker: it is! But if you sit and wank about it all day, and a take a pole-dancing class to “empower” you, how far do you think that’ll get you but a crappy column in a blog post?

*Big Fat Overweight Soccer Moms

“I think I can. I think I can…”

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1. Bikes

Bike Capital of the World: 750,000 people, 600,000 bikes. Imagine the f-ing spokes! (BTW, the Dutch are the tallest people in the world.)

2. Dutch Women

She’s taller than you, dude, and she doesn’t give a shit what kind of car you drive. (American girls, take note!) She’s also seriously beautiful.

3. Outdoor Cafes

You need somewhere to sit to watch all the hotties on bikes go by! “Bi-cycle! Bi-cycle!”

4. Canals

Something deeply romantic about a canal. Get yourself a tall Dutch woman and a Heineken and you’re good to sing some Celine Dion — in Dutch, with subtitles!

5. Locals

When unlocals get lost (often!), the locals will always be there to give it their best shot. (And for 50 Euro…j/k)

6. Bacon

70% of the world’s bacon comes from Holland. Give me a “P”!

7. Museums

Per capita, the most museums of any city! Yes, even Sex & Weed Museums. “Wait, what museum were we going to again? And can we have sex there?”

8. Coffee Houses

Hint: Don’t let the word “coffee” fool you. When Howard Schultz figures this one out, he shall rule the free world.*

9. Parks

You’re going to need somewhere to trip, right? Where you don’t have to worry about Mr. Ranger bumming your scene out. (Because, most likely, Mr. Ranger is high, Boo-boo.)

10. Red Light District

Worth seeing, for the novelty, but only as a slight diversion (and the house “fucky-sucky,” if you’re into that kind of thing).

*The oldest coffeehouse is called Mellow Yellow (est. 1975), and it sits on a corner next to a school. The kids file by at recess, sweet, pungent smoke in the air. Big line at the ice cream shop next door. “Chocolate-Kush swirl, anyone?”

“I’ll take three!”

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Hey Guy:

I’m getting totally confused here, but what IS IT that women really want??? It’s so f’ing tiring trying to figure out.

- Confused Like Confucius, in Colorado

Hey Confused (unlike Confucius!):

You can pretty much sum up what women want in five words that begin with the letter C:

1. Cash
2. Cars
3. Cum
4. Care
5. Control

If they attain all five, look out, women rule the world. Until then, guys will keep trying to withhold every item except 3. But eventually, guys are gonna need “3″ so bad that they’ll be caving on the other four in order to earn it, and, before you know it, Sarah Palin is the ruler of the Free World. Though, not sure how free it’ll be then. But you’ll understand women a lot better, no?

READ: Hey Guy 1

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1. Teeth

Message to England: National Dental Care?

2. Accents

You’re not so on top of everything as you were, say, in the mid-18th century? How ’bout we lose the snobby accent, chaps? The only thing you’ve owned since, are a bunch of old buildings and Boy George – and he even manages to escape from time to time.

3. Food

Something is wrong when the best food comes with the name Pizza Hut.

4. Roads

A whole lifetime spent learning to look left before right and you gotta go f*ck it up for me in one day?

5. Melting Pot of the World

Makes for a very shrewd working population aching to suck you dry for whatever you have. Hep C, anyone?

6. Tourists

Even when I am one. Imagine that. “Oh, look! A tourist taking a picture of a tourist taking a picture of a tourist.”

7. Cheeky Attitude

You can grin and bare it all you like, chaps, but you may not have any more lovely teeth to grind before long. Emotion, anyone?

8. Futbol

Sorry, America will never bend it like anyone. We’re sticking with our Big 3. Britney, Lindsay & any Kardashian to be named in a trade later.

9. Surveillance

George Orwell’s 1984 taken to frightening 21st Century heights. No joke.

10. Weather

Wind, rain, snow, sleet with a good chance of being chilled to the bone.

Yup, talk about your Official Bone Chiller.

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I’ll get this beard trimmed by the end of weekend, wake my ass up from under the tree, and start posting some absolutely fantastic new superior shit next week! Here’s a quick preview:

That’s right, kids, even cats like us.

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Came out of the play War Horse by the National Theatre of London unable to stifle the tears. War is hell. It savages our true human potential, which is love.

War is a little boy’s game. All these little boys who never got the proper loving from their mommies (mummies?), most likely because mommy didn’t get the proper loving from her daddy. Vicious cycle.

So they run around on the battlefield seeking approval and domination to compensate for a lack of, the only elixir, self-love.

The greatest hurdle facing humans is to understand that, to truly survive, we need to tap the inherent creative cooperation among people. It’s either we start lending a hand to our fellow man, creating together, or we risk perishing alone. And it shouldn’t take a war horse to teach us this lesson.

Note to you politicos: A self-actualized man doesn’t slaughter, kill, maim, for anyone. He has no need to “win the game,” because when he thinks like that, the game is already lost.

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