1. Everyone you know, including yourself, will one day face the inevitable. Let that humble you.

2. When death comes for you, death comes for you.

3. Dying is hard! Comedy is easy.

4. When someone close to you passes, you will never feel anything more surreal. Except maybe if you were the third wheel on a date with Tila Tequila & (pick any whore).

5. When someone close to you dies, it will, and should, cause you to reevaluate your entire belief system.

6. You quickly learn you cannot possess the dead, and therefore, why try to possess the living? Buh-bye Tila

7. Death may be the ultimate reality, life the illusion.

8. Avoid picking up on chicks at a funeral. Just sayin’.

9. Our society does everything to encourage sweeping death under the carpet.

10. Our society is f-ing whacked that we don’t allow death out in the open for a healthy, and much needed, conversation. “Hello, Death, how have you been?”

11. Maybe death is just the beginning.

12. Maybe death is really the end.

13. Death and relatives don’t always go hand-in-hand, have plenty of patience, tolerance and potato latkes on hand.

14. Grieving is not a competition. Everyone grieves in their own way.

15. Honor and respect the departed’s life (and death) path.

16. Signs don’t necessarily mean the dead communicate with you. Unless you’re really high.

17. Signs may mean the universe is communicating with you: “Get a haircut!”

18. Put the petty squabbles aside. Don’t leave anything on the table. Including the last latke.

19. Crying over a loved one’s loss is mandatory. A subscription to Kleenex not so much.

20. Incorporate your loved one’s philosophy into your own life.

21. Let death be the fertilizer that leads to your personal growth.

22. Yes, people crap and piss themselves when they die.

23. Most people have no idea how to help someone grieve, therefore they practice avoidance of those grieving.

24. Forgive everyone, including the dead, those avoiding the grieving, and Tila Tequila, they have done the best they could.

25. Peace of mind comes with a complete acceptance of the impermanence of all living matter. Including ourselves and our iPhones.

P.S. Live life. Embrace death. Be one.

Listen to this song, it will help you heal.

*

Recommended viewing: 10 Things to Bail You Out of Depression

One-hundred and sixty-thousand pounds is equal to: 14,545 skateboards, 10,000 marching band tubas, 1,568 sets of encyclopedias, 492 black bears, 426 gorillas, 184 grand pianos AND 842 Jareds. (Fun fact brought to you by the fun folks at Subway.)

Hooray! Friends of Jared have supposedly lost 160,000 pounds, combined, since that cuddly bear hit the airwaves. Sound the trumpets, Jared Fogle is a super (sandwich) hero, folks. And all he had to do was eat two Subway sandwiches, a day, to get there.

Oh, right, did I mention the disclaimer? And I quote:

“Individuals (friends of Jared!) lost weight by exercising and eating a balanced, reduced-calorie diet that included SUBWAY® sandwiches with 6 grams of fat or less. Their results are not typical (doi!). Your loss if any will vary. SUBWAY® Restaurants does not endorse the diet Jared created and cautions anyone embarking on a weight-loss plan to consult their physician.”

What’s up with that, Doc?! I especially love the part where it says: “your loss IF ANY will vary” and how “Subway does not endorse the diet Jared created.” You mean, Jared’s just a stooge? A human sandwich board? Say it ain’t so. Us? Suckers?

Okay: f*ck Jared and the sub he rode in on. He is not helping the problem one bit: We are America! We are fat! Hear us roar! Watch the earth shake. And worse: our kids are getting fatter faster than we ever imagined. Hooray!

Fun fact: The percentage of children and adolescents who are defined as overweight has more than doubled since the early 1970s. About 15 percent of children and adolescents are now overweight (33% of adults). And before the other 85 percent get submerged on that submarine, how about helping them out? Barricade the entrances to all fast-food joints! — well, after I get in and get mine.

*

Fast food. Gotta love it. Who else is there for you at 1 am? You’re alone, and all drunk or high, or drunk and high, and the munchies strike. Who ya gonna call? Fast Food Busters? I don’t think so.

It’s: stumble into the car, swerve down the road and “yes, I’ll have fries with that. How about some onion rings, too. Oh, while I’m here, make it an apple turnover… and one of them pitas with whatever it is you put in them. Yes, that’s in addition to the triple bacon and cheese coronary burger. What the hell? We only live once, right?”

And may I say “you need help” if you’ve reached that point. And help ain’t going to come from being one of Jared’s friends, or groupies.

A quick question: Do you think there actually might be “Jared Groupies?” He does tour the states like a rock star. Does he get pus$y? Wouldn’t that be completely absurd, and just plain wrong?! Do you think McDonald’s would stand for it if one of their clowns was getting laid?

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Back to the help-section: A revolutionary diet just hit this column. It’s called the Eat Less, Exercise More diet. It’s a pretty f-ing simple concept: You eat less, especially of the fast food variety, and you get the heck out of the house and exercise. Don’t have the time? Make it.

True, nothing is going to change overnight (i.e., your physique, your chins), but once you’re on the path of the skinny and narrow, it’s only a matter of time.

But wait, before you hit the ground running (walking fast?), you have to begin by giving yourself an attitude adjustment. Any negative patterns need to be replaced by positive thoughts/vibrations/mantras.

BEFORE: “I’m so damn fat, I could never get as skinny as Jared and get laid.”

AFTER: “Okay, so I’m a little overweight. True, I may never be that stud-muffin Jared (and who really is?), but, with consistent work, and by changing my habits, I can get laid again.”

It’s never too late!

And I don’t want to hear excuses. Do you think a guy like Jared ever used them? I mean, in college, the twerp was tipping the scales at 435 pounds: “Oh, I’m just a fat lard-ass. The girls would never want to give me oral.” Do you think that ever came out of Jared’s mouth?? (FYI: it came out of mine, but that’s another story.)

Let’s face it, you’ll never hear Jared utter anything other than what Subway writes for him. Because they own his (now 190 lb.) ass.

Come to think of it: if Jared crapped in the woods, Subway would have a stake in it — and we’d probably have a new option on the low-cal menu. And that’s when we have to decide:

Will we keep allowing ourselves to be duped into eating turd? Or are we MAD AS HELL AND NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE?

*

Liked it? Try Why We Hate Chick Flicks.

This is going to be short and brief. It comes from firsthand experience, so I know it works, because it worked for me! Not asking you to buy anything, subscribe to anything, just listen up.

If you want to drop weight fast, adjust your acid/alkaline levels. Basically, our crappy American diets consist of far too many acidic foods and not enough alkaline foods.

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“When your body notices that the blood has become too acidic and there are no longer any alkaline reserves, it quickly makes the decision to alleviate this dangerous situation. One of the first things your body does to alkalize the blood is remove acid from within the blood stream, storing it in your fat cells.” source

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I dropped 15 pounds in two months after I made the adjustment, and my hoop game hasn’t been better in years!

And it’s easy to do. Just go to this chart, print it out, and take highlighters to it. Red, for the acidic foods you eat, and, any other color (your choice) for the alkaline foods you can ADD TO your game.

Start raising the bar on alkaline, and lowering the bar on acidic. It’s really that simple.

Here were my main adjustments:

Coffee: I eliminated entirely. Yikes, you say. But not really, I haven’t missed it much, tea stands in fine when I need it in the name of routine. And, if you have a sensitive disposition, eliminating coffee will feel like being stuck with a continual Xanax drip: mellow!

Soda: This is the stuff that kills your ass. Stop it! Now! It has absolutely no positive effect on your body, it’s poison, clear and simple. F*ck you Coke.

Chocolate: OMG! Not f-ing chocolate! Yes, f-ing chocolate. Total acidic. I added healthier desserts.

Pasta: I cut out my five-times-a-week pasta intake, down to about 2 or 3.

Bread: This was the hard one for me, as I like to have bread with almost every dinner. No mas. Maybe every other.

Dairy: Cut it down as much as possible, have avocado on your sandwich instead of cheese, etc.

Vegetables: Mother always told you to eat them even if she didn’t know why she was telling you. Just trust her, even if she doesn’t trust herself.

Fruits: I now keep a watermelon (MVA: Most Valuable Akaline food!) handy, and have a couple slices every day. I also make sure I eat: a banana, apple, strawberries, daily!

Fast food: Fastest way of killing yourself. Really. It is. Pay a little more for your meals and you’ll be investing in a longer life. Are you worth it?

Slow down: You’re eating too fast, you have to let the digestion pass…And don’t you even think about going back for seconds.

How will you be able to tell the adjustment is working?

Answer: You’ll notice your defecation habits changing pretty soon after you start the process. No more oily, squeezing-em-out turds.

Sorry to give you that visual, but you’ll thank me later. Just, please, no pictures of the improved turds. A simple “thank you, Kip Guy” will do.

*

Recommended reading: Value of a Veggie Burrito

Our in-house survey says that 99% of the people in the world are sucked in by some vice. Whoever amongst us that is vice-free can go ahead and cast the first stone — just leave it at one stone, this isn’t Iran.

Addictions come in all shapes and sizes—from sniffing glue to online porn—and they’re not going away any time soon. Unless, of course, the whole world moves into one giant rehab center. And even then…

The second you kick one addiction there is always another replacement waiting in the wings, clamoring for your attention like a third-rate chorus dancer just aching to get his big break. “Take me, pick me, I want to be a part of your life, now and forever.”

Maybe it’s not surprising that America’s favorite fix is coffee.

Over half of the population of the U.S. drinks at least two cups a day. A quarter of those, consume about five cups a day. And another quarter, drink ten or more (whoa, cowboy!)

All this adds up to Americans drinking 450 million cups of coffee daily! While the average person drinks 26.7 gallons a year. Sound excessive?

WHAT MAKES IT ADDICTIVE?

It’s the caffeine, a carcinogen that raises adrenaline levels, in coffee that makes it addictive, and accounts for most of the adverse affects.

The good news: There is no proof that it causes any kind of cancer. Nope, just a lifetime of being in debt to Starbucks.

The bad news: studies show that caffeine abuse (caffeinism) may result in a syndrome which resembles, and may be confused with, true psychotic states. (I am Beavis watch me wig-out, dude.)

Too much caffeine can also lead to an adrenal insufficiency, and a host of other problems: liver disease, symptoms of mental illness, a weakened immune response system, sleep and stomach problems, panic attacks, worsen symptoms of high blood pressure, make your (NOTE) sperm abnormal, cause miscarriages and still births, and (NOTE) a higher incidence of PMS moments. Meaning, acquaint yourself with her cycle and hide all the “stuff” when Aunt Flow is getting set to arrive.

Have no fear, though, because if it isn’t abused, coffee can have positive affects, as it does percolate the central nervous system, resulting in mild cortex stimulation that appears to be beneficial in clearer thinking and less fatigue.

And, it’s been shown to improve attention in a study simulating night driving—AKA trying to enter the Bat Cave at excessive speeds, after you’ve just beaten your family up.

WHERE IS IT FROM, DUDE?

Coffee is currently grown in several countries, including regions in Central & South America, Mexico, Central Africa, the Congo, and here it in the States it is grown in Kona.

“F*ck, Kona, buy ours.”

•The coffee bean first originated in a region in Ethiopia called Kafa.

•Members of the Galla people noticed that they got an energy boost when they ate a coffee cherry ground up with animal fat.

•After the year 1000, Arab traders bought coffee back to their homeland and cultivated it for the first time on plantations.

•The world’s first coffee shop, Kiva Han, opened in 1475 in Constantinople.

•In America, coffee houses emerged over a forty year period, from 1600 to 1700’s, many evolving from taverns or inns.

Once established, these coffee houses became centers where merchants would carry on essential business. Most of the patrons dropped by for coffee, and socializing, but soon the number of business activities that sprang from them was unbelievable. Coffee houses were also convenient centers for sending and receiving mail during times when an absence of street numbers made a postal system futile; not even the Pony Express could figure it out.

I WANT TO KICK THE HABIT!

The recommendation is to gradually decrease the amount you drink by 50% each day. Another way is to keep drinking your usual number of cups and gradually increase the amount of decaf until it reaches 100%. Then, sigh, you’ll be ready to find your next drug.

CAFFEINE CONTENT (measured in millimeters)

• Coffee (6 oz. cup) Drip method - 100 to 175
• Percolator - 75
• Instant coffee (1 rounded teaspoon) - 57
• Espresso (1.5 to 2 oz.) - 100
• Decaffeinated coffee (6 oz. cup) brewed or instant - 2 to 6

No, Katt Williams didn’t die in a fiery plane crash. But after all the fuss, he probably would answer this first question a bit differently.

TGR: Is it harder out there for a pimp or a comedian?

KW: Well, I have to deal with both of them. So, I’ll say, it’s harder out there for hoes and comics who aren’t funny.

TGR: How would you describe your act to the Pope?

KW: I would tell the Pope, once you look past the vulgarities in my act, there is a strong social message, and that’s a message of faith, and people uplifting their own circumstances. And I would remind him that Jesus only dealt with the bad people. He didn’t deal with the people who were in the church. He dealt with the prostitutes and the tax collectors. And that same audience he was dealing with, that’s the audience I’m dealing with.

TGR: Any advice for the Pope?

KW. I would say that he should have a little more faith. Because you can’t be God’s number one man and riding around in a bullet proof vehicle.

TGR: What’s the best city you like to play in?

KW: There really isn’t one. Because each different city brings a different vibe, a different pulse. Like, the Atlanta crowd feels different than the New York crowd which definitely feels different from the L.A. crowd. The L.A. crowd is harder to impress. And because they’re harder to impress, when you impress them you really feel like you’ve done something. And with the Atlanta crowd, there are cultural things that you have to give. But the New York crowd, it’s a crowd of critics. And if you can please the critics, then you’re doing good. Each vibe is equally important.

TGR: Best cities to party in?

KW: New York and Miami. Close tie.

TGR: What clubs in those cities?

KW: There really isn’t a bad club in New York. They have everything you want. You probably want something different every time. So, you know, you might want Canal, you might want 44, there’s a vibe for whatever you’re feeling. In Miami, you’re in Miami, so if you can get to the opium of mansions, you’re doing good.

TGR: What’s your favorite cocktail?

KW: A Bombay Sapphire gin and tonic with a slice of lime.

TGR: Do you get distracted when people eat during your act?

KW: You can’t really eat at my act. Unless you really don’t care about choking to death. If you can sit down at my act and eat a full course meal, then I haven’t done my job.

TGR: Good or bad idea: 2 joint minimum at comedy clubs?

KW: That’s awful.

TGR: Why?

KW: Weed is illegal. We’d have our entire club busted.

TGR: And then you’d have one cop out there clapping for you.

KW: If there’s a two-joint minimum, you’d have a misdemeanor at every table.

TGR: Your favorite munchies?

KW: I like the Milano cookies. Pringles never fail, preferably sour cream and onion. A purple Gatorade. They’ve got these new ice cream things called Dibbs. And they’re just these small pieces of chocolate covered ice cream, and those are just perfect for the munchies.

TGR: Any advice for Willie Nelson when he’s traveling around the country?

KW: Just be careful, Willie. I mean, you’re an icon, for chrissakes. Don’t get caught doing stuff regular people are caught doing. And have fun.

TGR: How about the cops in Louisiana who make a habit of pulling over icons.

KW: You know, Louisiana should have enough stuff going on. You would think all the cops would have hammers to rebuild their precinct. And I would suggest people understand all rules are supposed to be bendable, ok? That means, jaywalking is wrong. On the other hand, if the President of the United States happens to jaywalk, that’s supposed to get a pass. You know, just like when Cheney tried to blow the dude’s face off. It happens. So, if you see Willie Nelson, you let Willie Nelson go. Willie Nelson is an American icon.

TGR: If you could sit in a room with Presidents Bush, Jong, Ahmadinejad, what would you say to them?

KW: I’d say nothing, because I know they wouldn’t be listening to me.

TGR: What if you got them stoned?

KW: In that case, I’d immediately try to see if, because they were stoned, we could go ahead and release some of this bullshit war on drugs, the only war we’ve never won, because we’re not really fighting it. And right as they were stoned, I’d pass around a piece of paper and have the law signed.

TGR: And then give them some Dibbs.

KW: Yeah, then they’d be fine.

TGR: Your Mel Gibson’s rehab counselor, how would you cure him?

KW: The first thing I’d do, I’d have some of the finest Jewish women come in and service him. Then I’d compile a few other Jewish people who make movies and I’d send them in there and we’d all have drinks, hit a joint and have a nice time. Try to reinforce in him how wonderful Jews can be. And, after that, I’d punch him in the stomach.

TGR: What would be the name of the sitcom you both star in?

KW: The God Couple. He hates Jews, I don’t like Christians. That would be our premise.

TGR: You’re trying to be the greatest comedian of your time. What’s the recipe for that?

KW: If I knew the recipe, I’d all ready be there.

TGR: Other comedians you like?

KW: Dane Cook, Rodney Perry, George Carlin, Red Grant, Capone, Todd Lynn, Jerry Seinfeld, Richard Pryor, Don Knotts.

TGR: The Ghost and Mr. Chicken Don Knotts?

KW: Absolutely. He was the most complete comedic actor we’ve ever seen. There was never an episode of Andy Griffith where he wasn’t funny. There was never an episode where you got the feeling he was trying to make you laugh. He always did it as if it was natural.

TGR: Can comedy change the world for the better?

KW: Absolutely. As much as saving seals can.

TGR: Would you need topless super models out there helping to save comedy as well?

KW: Doesn’t hurt. Topless models never hurt any cause.

TGR: Shocking predictions for 2009?

KW: Well…

TGR: The world will be eating more Dibbs.

KW: I hope not. Because I need to be able to find them on a consistent basis.

*

Now go one on one with Dave Chappelle

We’re going to be changing formats soon, giving the reader (you) pretty much the reign of the site, which is, BTW, going to be changed to a blog layout.

WE NEED: Guy Stories from you, written by you.

* Have a story about a drunk and idiotic friend?

* Dated a really psychotic girlfriend/boyfriend?

* Want to rag about your ex? (Girls, you can do this too! And quite well, from what we understand.)

* Had a close-call with a celebrity guy?

* Involved in a frat prank gone awry?

* Punk’d your bestfriend?

* Lost your load in Vegas?

* Had a threesome with Mary and Kate Olsen? Or some broads from Sweden?

Anything goes, as long as it’s entertaining.

Stories will be edited for content, punctuation, etc., and all stories belong exclusively to The Guy Report once you submit them.

A few submission points:

1. Keep your post to under 600 words.

2. Keep real names out of it. Make one up, or call them Mr. A, or Miss B, or whatever.

3. Don’t be stupid. In fact, if you are stupid, we don’t want to read it.

4. Spell Chek!

5. Embed all submissions (no attachments please) into an email and send to infoATtheguyreport.com with “GUY STORY” in your heading.

6. Include your real name and the city you live in.

Thanks! We look forward to hearing all about your wild and crazy lives!

Is it any wonder we like watching professional strippers and hoopers strut their stuff? That’s entertainment, baby!

Whether it be a mean, over-the-shoulders slam-a-jamma, or a spin-around-the-pole, spread-for-the-front-row “dance” maneuver. They’re two acts that will continue to fascinate us. Why? Two words: Alpha humans.

Yup, we’re talking the cream of the crop (and we do mean cream) who have more in common with each other than we ever thought about. Why are we thinking about it now? Dunno. Just are. But check out these similarities:

Superior genetics

Unless you happen to play in Arkansas. Or, you’re this guy:

Men salivate over them

“I got a boner!”

“OMG! She’s got a boner!”

Great shoes

An actual shoe that is a whore.

They make lots of money

Enough to buy you a nice car and a trip to the (not so) free clinic.

STDs

Or not!

Failed SATs

“Who needs skool? I’m going to play in the 53rd state of Toronto.”

Perform in uniform

“He just wants to touch it, man.”

“Touch this and the only road side bomb will be in your pants.”

Work focuses on balls

“Oh my, it looks like you’re ready for the back room, Mr. Nowitzki.”

Majority have less IQ than a stripper pole

“They say you can get high if you lick one.”

“For reals?”

They preen while performing

At least the night before they do.

“Practice? Who needs practice?”

And sometimes they come together to perform a beautiful union

“I ain’t a bust in this situation room.”

“I’d be lovin’ his situation room.”

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Recommended reading: 7 Effective Strategies for the Pro Athlete

The Economy

Not doing so hot, eh? Kind of like that old grandparent of yours that looks like they might not make it down the hall on their walker for one last celebration. What is there to celebrate at a time like this?

Change…

The Bad

“There are two kinds of people in the world, my friend. Those who have a rope around their neck and those who have the job of cutting.”

Change…

Because when things fall so far, there can only be one way up. And that’s up.

Sure, it’s a pretty scary time to be living in, financially, and we really f*cked things up royally. Not “they”, We f*cked up, every one of us is partially responsible for the current rope around our necks.

Simply put: as a country, we let greed and entitlement get the best of us. (Remind us how much credit card debt you have again?) And just as we’re all culpable for the crash, we’re all responsible for turning this thing around. What can you do to help?

Change…

The Good

“Two hundred thousand dollars is a lot of money. We’re gonna have to earn it.”

We humans have been re-inventing ourselves for centuries. It’s what we do: A-D-A-P-T. So how is this mass adaptation going to play out?

Best case scenario: The thousands of people out of jobs and “let go” by the factory are going to have to find work. Where? Look no further than the Internet. It’s staring you in the face, exclaiming: “Use me! Use me! Use me!”

So why not use the motherf*cker? To start a business. Because where else can you set up a shop for the entire world to see?

There is no excuse. If you put a little energy into it, you can start your business now and tell the company to f*ck off later. When you have taken the responsibility into your own hands, because you have realized the company doesn’t give two sh*ts about you or your livelihood. They only care about their bottom line, and they will never care about anything else. Ever.

Your company will! Because it’s your company. So, at the very least, your company will care about you.

What would a massive shift to more individual business owners do to the overall economic picture? It’s going to put more power in the hand of the individual (hooray!), and take away from the enormous hold big business has on every facet of our lives. No mas!

Why not? Why can’t this happen? The individual has already changed the face of entertainment forever (e.g., music file sharing, TIVO, OnDemand), why not the economy? Why can’t the economy not flow in the same direction, into the control of the individual? What is stopping us from making that happen? We’ll tell you: laziness and complaining.

It’s time to roll up our proverbial shirt sleeves, stop whining and get out there with our D.I.Y. attitude and help turn this thing around.

Seriously, what do you have to offer the world? What can you make? What can you sell? What can you teach? What can you learn? Getting the picture of our re-invention? Hope so, because we’d hate to see you in a bulldozer marked Soylent Green.

Note: On the right panel of this site, look and click on the flashing purple YAHOO AD. It’s there to help you start your new business. What are you waiting for? Change awaits. The NEW American Dream is in no one’s hands but your own.

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Recommended viewing: 10 Things to Bail You Out of Depression

1. White men do have smaller penises.

2. That’s some good sh*t, man.

3. The National Union of Wizardry just got downgraded, heavily.

4. Those COPS are f-ing way overweight.

5. Those COPSs are f-ing way stupid.

6. There were a lot of cameras present.

7. If Wizard Boy was black, all hell would’ve broken loose by now.

8. Somewhere, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are giggling.

9. Somewhere, Obama is letting out a sigh of relief.

10. Everywhere, the National Guard is released for a weekend furlough.

11. Rodney King: “No comment.”

12. Americans are a wee bit squeamish about public nudity.

13. White people like to stand on the sidelines and watch.

14. No one even threw a paper airplane at the COPS.

15. The COPS look like those PIGS in Fritz the Cat.

16. Wizard Boy should get to audition for the next Fritz.

17. Somewhere, there’s a publisher who took a meeting about a possible Wizard Boy book deal.

18. Somewhere, Joe the Plumber’s “people” are wondering if Wizard Boy would make a good opening act.

19. Public Enemy (not an opening act!) suddenly became Public Enemy No. 2.

20. X should have been held for questioning.

21. Cage the Elephant must have been wondering if this might not have been the safer option.

22. Noah and the Whale offered free, untased, blubber chips to the first 100 people that signed up for their whalemail.

23. Superchunk got out-chunked by 4 to 1.

24. The Horrors seemed tame compared to the COPS.

25. Fucked Up wins the most appropriate band name of Coachella 2009.

Watch the uncensored video at the Huffington Report.

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Recommended viewing:
25 Random Things About Guys
25 Random Things About Death

It used to be that cell phone terrorists mainly came from the younger generations. That has certainly changed. Now, everyone from Junior to Grandma wield these things around like they’re Luke Skywalker in a light saber duel to the death with Darth Vader.

The battle is loud. Too loud. As in: “Yes, we can f*cking hear you now!”

And because we can hear you now, and are growing sick and tired of hearing you now, TGR has made the calculated decision to raise our terror alert level to ORANGE. And before we all see RED — and someone gets maimed, or worse: death by cell phone suffocation — we’d like to suggest a few pointers to try and calm the enemy chatter.

1. Unless you’re Sir Richard Friggin’ Branson: You’re not important! Your life is boring. We do not want to hear about it. Anywhere. Stuff a tampon in it. Seriously.

2. If you’re one of those dickwads who goes to a ball game simply to position yourself in view of a camera and phone everyone you know, it’s time you and Mr. Sign Wielding John:13 moved to Utah to start your own cult. The Cult of the Clueless. Go Mormons! Or whatever religion wastes a precious ballpark seat.

3. When at a public event — ballgame, theatre, orgy — do us a favor: BEFORE you enter, learn to turn the ringer off. Call your carrier for directions. Just f-ing do it! If you can’t go without your cell jones for two hours, we say: Get thee to a rehab center! — where the possibility of an orgy is not out of the question. Especially if you mention the two magic words: David Hasselhoff.

4. While hanging out with friends, refrain from making, or taking, any calls that aren’t emergencies. Like your license plate frame affirms: everyone knows you are loved. Why the need to barrage us with self-importance like you’re Dennis Miller accepting the award for Pontificator of the Year? Here’s a tip: Look a friend in the eye and say something. Anything. They’re right f*cking there! Hello? Can you hear me…oh, f*ck it.

5. Please stop trying to be a comedian and saying: “Can you hear me now?” to every “friend” you phone with. This credo is about as tired as, well, Dennis Miller. In fact, shouldn’t VH1 be doing a show on him right about now?

6. To quote the immortal Billy Joel: “It’s all about soul.” Time to squelch the enemy chatter and find yours. Otherwise, goodbye innocent Luke, hello Darth’s doorstep.

And how good will we look then? More importantly, how will we sound? Especially when we’re chattering away on our cell phones.

Oh yeah, when they’re embedded in our brains.