1. She is going to become just like her mother.

2. She took Viagra once and sat around with some girlfriends comparing penis sizes.

3. It IS all about size.

4. She’s thinks about sex as much as you do.

5. She thinks about shoes more than sex.

6. She could live without that taste in the back of her throat.

7. Your credit card makes a great lozenger.

8. She has no idea what her Chinese-symbol tramp-stamp means. Um, slutty?

9. When she says no she really means, “oh please, just ask me one more time so I can hold onto a modicum of my dignity.”

10. PMS is a myth created by women who have no better resources to control men with (hint: remember that thing between your legs?). Yeah, we just said that to piss you off. Whattya gonna do about it? We didn’t ask you into the club house

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Recommended reading: 5 Biggest Lies of Internet Dating

1. We pick our nose, a lot.

2. We look at women to size up one thing…

3. We think virgins are overrated.

4. We love pissing in the wild, farting in the elevator.

5. We thought about masturbating to Sarah Palin.

6. We think we could kick Obama’s ass in a game of one-on-one.

7. We are happy we’re not the ones fighting in Iraq.

8. We enjoy seeing you lose.

9. We think money makes us powerful.

10. We actually do like little kids and puppies.

11. We prefer going half way around the world rather than listening to your directions.

12. We’re confident we’re cooler than the next guy.

13. We think your big sunglasses look asinine.

14. We are silently wondering if you ever shut up.

15. We want equal rights for all white males.

16. We are scared to die.

17. We love barely legals.

18. We dream of meeting just one woman with a “drama-off” switch.

19. We believe in the right of way as long as it’s our right of way.

20. We don’t know when to slow down.

21. We’re petrified of policemen.

22. We are over Eva Longoria.

23. We admire Evan Longoria.

24. We think social networking is mainly for losers.

25. We really could give two shits about your random life or your 25 random questions about yourself. WTF cares?

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Recommended reading: Useless Stuff

Recommended viewing: Miss Depression 2009

1. Have sex with you on your period.

2. Meet your friends, even worse, your family.

3. Let you have the dry spot.

4. Watch chick flicks.

5. Buy you flowers.

6. Listen to your complaints.

7. Wear your panties.

8. Go dancing.

9. Enact PDA.

10. Use a condom.

11. Pick up your dog’s poop.

12. Go down on you.

13. Write a song about you.

14. Remember your first name.

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Recommended viewing: 10 Things a Woman Does Not Want You to Know

1. Sniff blow off a hooker’s ass while farting the National Anthem. And video it for America’s Got Talent. Then sue when it hits the Internet.

2. Challenge a mouse to a skateboard race.

3. Bang any living munchkin from the Wizard of Oz while humming Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

4. Shave Mike Myers pubes and save them in a jar by his bed. Yeah, baby!

5. Marry a vegetable named Demetri. Swear off meat/sheep forever.

6. Audition to find “love” with fellow midget Tila Tequila.

7. Demonstrate his fine mastery of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

8. Apply to be paper weight between Mary Carey’s breasts.

9. Nominate Pop Tarts as the number one snack food for diabetic children and people that had to flee Hurricane Gustav.

10. Hand out extra mini-me pads at the local prom.

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Recommended viewing: Rock n’ Roll Groupie Hall of Fame

1. Do not be the asshole.

2. We all know the asshole.

3. Sometimes, maybe we have even been the asshole.

4. The asshole spoils the fun for everyone.

5. The asshole is such an asshole that others turn into assholes just to survive around him.

6. This collective assholism creates a major stench.

7. At this point, the job, the family, or the game, becomes toxic, due to a bunch of assoholics talking shit out of their asses.

8. The asshole is an asshole because he’s probably been ridden hard and/or abused by assed-up parental figures.

9. Yes, the asshole needs love too.

10. What can you do about the asshole?

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1. Don’t get into it with the asshole. It will only escalate the level of assholism.

2. Don’t let the asshole get away with being an asshole.

3. Call him on his ass-follies before he believes it’s OK for a repeat performance.

4. You do this by taking him aside, not in front of others, and trying to reason with him.

5. Understand, the asshole can also be a her!

6. Let the asshole know they’re ruining the party for everyone. “Hey, You (asshole), I know you’re really passionate about what you do, but sometimes it makes it a little uncomfortable for the rest of us.”

7. If the asshole isn’t in a reasoning mood, walk away.

8. The majority of the time, you will not be able to change the asshole.

9. You will, however, be able to change how YOU behave around the asshole, and in what proximity you are to them.

10. Unless you a) work with them, b) live with them, or c) play with them.

In which case…

You’re pretty much fucked. Let it go…DO NOT let the asshole get into your head. Life is too short not to smell the roses — preferably ones not rubbed in someone’s ass.

“Any questions?”

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11 Laws of Concert Viewing

1. Don’t forget the all-important pinky-in-the-mouth picture. Nothing like a pinky in the mouth to say, “boner” for us!

2. Find Ron Jeremy at a party and pose with him. This will ensure us that you are, indeed, a whore and we won’t touch you with a ten-foot pole. Ron might.

3. The 58 incremental shots of you posing in your bathroom mirror needs to be increased to 60. This way, we’ll really get a chance to see how you take up the milliseconds of your day. BTW, it looks so exciting to be you!

4. Make sure to leave “Tom” a message on his homepage letting him know that he’s welcome to drop in on you if he’s ever in Bum F*ck Egypt. BYOQ. Bring Your Own Quell.

5. Don’t forget to mention you’re a “model” at least five times on your page, and that you make over $250,000. This way, we’ll definitely know you’re the real thing.

6. Make sure to keep letting everyone know you’re doing a “photo shoot” this week. Doesn’t matter that it’s with your kid brother. Models do photoshoots. You’re a model, right?

7. You’ve got so many friend requests it hurts. It’s OK! Keep it up! Get more! Who cares if they’re paraplegic midgets?! Yet, it still doesn’t make up for the fact that your dad was never there for you, except to give you a finger-bang for your sixth grade graduation.

8. You didn’t forget the all-important bi-shot with your best friend on a drunken Saturday night? This convinces us you’re the real deal and you’ll do about anything with anyone, at least in pictures.

9. Act like you’re really cool wherever you go, because, yup, girlfriend, you’ve got myspace friends! Make sure to wear the biggest over-size sunglasses you can! This way, everyone knows there’s a “model,” and total dipshit looking person, under there.

10. Block at least five guys a week from contacting you. This will ensure you that you have absolute control of your whoredom.

11. If you don’t have a tramp stamp already, now’s the time. Because there’s nothing like a Chinese symbol to say: “Gawd, I’m a stupid, vapid, whor…”

Ron: I hope he doesn’t ask me for a drink.

TGR: Okay, are you sitting down?

DC: Yeah.

TGR: We’re gonna start with a real serious one.

DC: O-K.

TGR: If the Nutty Professor got his nuts caught in his zipper and you were the only one around to lend him a hand…

DC: (laughs) If the Nutty Professor got his nuts caught in his zipper and I was the only one around to lend a hand. Hmm. That depends. Was there anyone watching?

TGR: Ah, no.

DC: I’m going to have to think about that one and get back to you then.

TGR: If you could be any white man on earth, who would it be?

DC: Eminem.

TGR: Why?

DC: Because he’s cool. He raps and stuff.

TGR: If you were as hairy as Robin Williams what would you do?

DC: Oh man…I’d cover my penis with a shower cap and dip my body in Nair.

TGR: Nominate your favorite black man for president and, with you as VP, tell us what you’d stand for.

DC: President Eddie Murphy and I would most definitely run on the Pussy Platform.

TGR: And as VP, do you think it would be a good idea to take Viagra on the moon?

DC: No, that’s a bad idea. Because, unless there’s pussy on the moon, you’d be fucking a crater or something.

TGR: At what age did you start masturbating?

DC: Let’s see, I was 12. And I did it with an Amway catalogue. And then I found Playboy. Because I just fell in love with the articles.

TGR: If you could Def Comedy Jam one hot babe…

DC: Ah, Oprah?

TGR: Why would someone get half-baked when they can get all the way baked?

DC: I don’t know. It’s important to do?

TGR: Do you make money off of Ben & Jerry’s Half-Baked ice cream?

DC: I wish.

TGR: Speaking of baking, what drug would you like to slip President Bush, and what would you do to him once he was under the influence?

DC: It would have to be: Zoloft. And I’d have him as a musical guest on my show. He could play the drums.

TGR: If you could be any one of the Seven Dwarfs, which one would it be and how would you turn Snow White black?

DC: If I could be one of the Seven Dwarfs…Hmm. Sleepy. Or Dopey. How would I turn Snow White black?

TGR: Right.

DC: I’d take away her health care benefits.

TGR: Fill in the blank: Black men have smaller __________.

DC: Health care benefits.

TGR: What was the worst comedy experience you ever had?

DC: I got booed off the stage at the Apollo when I was 15 – with my mom in the audience.

TGR: On your website it says you’re the funniest man alive. Who’s the funniest stiff?

DC. Red Foxx.

TGR: How do you want to die?

DC: Happy and painless.

TGR: If you were in charge of mixing the final cocktail at a cult picnic, what would it be in Starbuckian language?

DC: A grande-cool-aid carmel macchiato. Bitch.

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Check out exclusive interview with comedian Katt Williams

While interviewing Zona’s Russ Pennell, this reporter is thinking:

A) Gosh I wonder how he’s going to run his offense in today’s game.
B) Gosh I wonder how he’s going to put that trim on my trim after today’s game.

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Recommended viewing: Time Square Heckler of Year

1. Absolut

If you like the smooth flavor of Absolut Vodka, then take the cyber train to their website and witness the stylistic rendition of everything you wanted to know about Absolut but were afraid to ask — from their DNA models of cocktails to the lounge lizard music accompanying your journey, it’s all good. And remember, knowledge is an aphrodisiac. Take notes!

2. Worlds Best Bars

From Amsterdam to Zurich, if you’re going to be traveling the world and searching for the hip bars to crash, this site is an absolute must for a stopover. Sponsored by Black Bush Whiskey, and featuring postings from actual people who have hit the boards, this is one thorough encyclopedia of the party scene. Darts and peanuts optional.

3. Pubcrawler

Looking for the best breweries in the land? Crawl on over to this site for the lowdown on where you can get your suds on. Ever hear of the Mellow Mushroom in Peachtree City, Georgia? You have now. With a city-by-city search engine, you’ll never be at a loss to find a good brew. And if they don’t have your pub-of-choice, just click “add a place” and introduce fellow crawlers to your favorite hang.

4. Webtender

Here’s the comprehensive look at any drink you can ever think of, or want to think of. Click “Random Drink” for a creative idea for supper, or “Statistics” if you just want to find who’s drinking what and how much of it they’re drinking.

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And when you’re ready to get rid of the hangover, read this.