Too bad he can’t take him out on the hoop court. End of debate: White men can’t jump.

“Yeah, but we can sure shoot and pass well, beeotch!”

*

You play streetball? Then you need to read this.

1. Mistakenly drive to another country before stopping to ask for directions.

2. Insert firecracker in frog’s butt, light, step away from the frog.

3. “Pull my finger” joke (at 35-years-old).

4. Believe in penis extensions.

5. Hourly penis measurements w/ruler.

6. Consult ESPN before planning date.

7. Worship anything that has to do with balls.

8. Shave balls.

9. Break someone’s hand while shaking it.

10. Admit John Travolta is, and has always been, limp-wristed.

“Check out my man-meat, now! Oh, yeah, almost forgot:
Shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yipitty boom de boom.”

Our favorite new show is called Superjail and it’s on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim, Sunday’s at 11:45. It is one trippy ride you’re going to want to be lit for. Click for preview.

With a country currently running around like chickens with our heads cut off, it’s time for a little lesson in vegetables.

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Vegetables: GOOD

Chickens: BAD

Vegetables: GREEN

Chickens: MAD

Vegetables: STONED

Chickens: SAD

Vegetables: PLENTY

Chickens: HAD

Vegetables: THINK

Chickens: FAD

Vegetables: WINK

Chickens: BAD

*

Vegetables: I guess the question you have to ask is: Is she wearing bottoms or not?

P.S. The sky is not falling.

“But it’s sssssssso scary!”

“How about a nice veggie burrito to make it go away?”

*

Wanna know how to roll like Vin Diesel? A comic stroll down wannabe lane…

Famed groupie Cynthia Plaster Caster got her nickname for, well, making plaster casts of rock star’s genitals. Jimmie Hendrix being her MFP™ (click his link to see it).

She now calls herself a “recovering groupie.” Probably because she is far too old to get any real penis these days. But, hey, that shouldn’t stop a girl from dreaming.

TGR: Which bands were you the most passionate about?

CPC: The Zombies were incredible, one of the best things I have ever seen. Mike Smith of Dave Clark 5, incredible.

TGR: Wildest touring band ever?

CPC: The Turtles. There were lots of orgies and it was your social obligation not to be square.

TGR: 3 favorite old school rockers still active?

CPC: Dave Davies is pretty good, a better incarnation of the Kinks. Eric Burden is still rocking. Ian Anderson…There’s a weird twist of fate. I made friends with him over email. He had me as a guest on his show, he just cranks, still in good physical shape.

TGR: How long does it take to make a cast?

CPC: It depends on the size of…one minute hard in the mold. Whole process takes an hour.

“Let’s see the one-eyed monster, hon.”

TGR: Any rockstars you’d still like to cast?

CPC: I’d love to do Ian. But he offered me his flute instead. Marianne Faithful. Bowie is another, you’d have him in your collection any day. A girl can dream. Eric would be a re-cast. I have a damaged memory of what happened. He got this big beefy boner for me, and the mold failed, I didn’t mix it right. He’s like ‘that’s it, doll, you had your chance, sorry.’

TGR: Did you do Gene Simmons?

CPC: No, but Gene wanted people to think he’d been done.

TGR: Who would be your least favorite to cast?

CPC: Peter Frampton is totally unrecognizable and bald. He wears a giant t-shirt to hide the bloat.

“This doesn’t look like your shrively, now, does it Peter?”

Well, according to the Princeton Review, we’re not allowed to reprint this list. But since the only other way to see it is to sign up at their website, we say: f*ck it. Here it is:

1. University of Florida, Gainesville, Fla.

Gator Haters rejoice, the Everglades are near. i.e., crocodiles ready your jaws: Is that a drunken freshman I see?

2. University of Mississippi, University, Miss.

Go to any frat party and ask them to spell their own state and someone is going to prove they’re NOT smarter than a 5th grader.

3. Penn State University, University Park, Pa.

JoPa NOT on the sidelines is like a Penn State dorm party without the kegs, or condoms: All hell could break loose.

4. West Virginia University, Morgantown, W.Va.

Wonder how many liters of absinthe the Mountaineer Mascot can fit in his flask.

5. Ohio University, Athens, Ohio.

It’s f-ing cold out. What do you expect us to do?

6. Randolph-Macon College, Ashland, Va.

Since NO ONE has ever heard of them, why not?

7. University of Georgia, Athens, Ga.

Nothing like getting a southern girl drunk and passed out on the fraternity couch, where “sloppy seconds” consists of wiping the puke off her mouth.

8. University of Texas, Austin, Texas.

We got nothing bad to say about longhorns. Oh yeah, except that the former Governor of their state is a tard.

9. University of California-Santa Barbara, Santa Barbara, Calif.

Our own Ray Guy happens to be an infamous alumni of this fine school. Ask him about the rashes.

10. Florida State University, Tallahassee, Fla.

Gator Haters rejoice, they’re only nine spots ahead of you on the AP Top 10.

Rest of list:

11. University of New Hampshire, Durham, N.H.

12. University of Iowa, Iowa City, Iowa.

13. University of Colorado, Boulder, Co.

14. Indiana University, Bloomington, Ind.

15. Tulane University, New Orleans, La.

16. University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, Urbana, Ill.

17. Arizona State University, Tempe, Ariz.

18. University of Tennessee, Knoxville, Tenn.

19. University of Alabama, Tuscaloosa, Ala.

20. Loyola University-New Orleans, New Orleans, La.

Note: If your college isn’t listed, what in the f*ck are you waiting for? Toga! Toga! Toga! (Seriously, click that link for a classic.)

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.”

- George W. Bush, 43rd President of the United States

OK, head count for those that seriously don’t want to be fooled again? Time to get back to work America.

*

Check out some of the Useless Stuff we hate — besides the president.

Before: We loved seeing him lose his cool in the climax of Animal House. “Remain calm! All is well!”

After: All is not well when we see what Kevin’s career opportunities have dwindled to.

Otter: He can’t do that do that to our pledges.
Boon: Only we can do that to our pledges.

Back in 1979 when hip-hop genre’s first hit “Rapper’s Delight,” by the Sugar Hill Gang, lit up the airwaves, the Gang — let alone those in control of society: white men (who can’t jump) — could not have imagined how large, and in charge, their baby would one day grow to be.

Now, 29 years later, hip-hop is ubiquitous. It has assimilated itself into our culture to the tune of over $1 billion in record sales a year. Not only that, but the music has riffed into markets far-and-wide, shaking its funky groove thang to the cha-ching cha-ching of a $10 billion a year industry.

Hip-hop’s tentacles stretch from movies to cell phone designs, to fashion and the sneakers you wear, the perfume you sniff, the rides you drive in and the cribs you chill in. And a handful of savvy, streetwise rappers have started to seriously capitalize on the movement. They’re the ones who have created their own empires, giving them job security, should the beats ever get stale, and enabled themselves to take from the establishment — rather than the other way around.

P. Diddy has the Sean John jeans and a stake in the Sean Jean Lincoln Navigator. He also owns the Bad Boy Worldwide Entertainment Group (which publishes a hip-hop magazine and owns a restaurant), and an advertising company, Blue Flame Marketing. The Wu Tang Clan has an apparel line and a clothing store. Fat Joe a barbershop. Nelly a men’s clothing line, Vokal, and for the ladies, the hip-hugging Apple Bottoms collection. DJ Spinderella a day spa. Master P is everywhere, with No Limit Records, No Limit Clothing, No Limit Films, No Limit Toys, PM Properties, Advantage Travel and a retail chain called Master Feet. And Jay-Z owns Rocawear, a stake in the New Jersey Nets and was the first non-athlete to score an endorsement deal with a major shoe company, Reebok. But, most definitely, the Godfather of hip-hop moguls is Russell Simmons.

Simmons co-founded Def Jam Recordings 24 years ago and has since spread his way into fashion, film, television, publishing and advertising. His empire now includes the multimedia company Rush Communications (the 2nd largest black-owned company in the U.S., to BET Holding Inc.). He also has segued into Broadway, with the Tony-nominated Def Poetry Jam, has a vitamin fortified energy drink, DefCon3, and he has introduced the Rush Visa Card, a prepaid debit card for people that may or may not have a bank account. His clothing company, Phat Farm, cashed out to the giant Kellwood Co. for $140 million.

And to further attest to hip-hop’s acceptability-factor, the word “phat” can now be found in the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary.

But now that hip-hop is firmly entrenched in our psyches, here’s the 100-million dollar question: Once the gold rush is over and they are done trying to “Get rich or die tryin’,” as 50 Cent so eloquently put it, will all the bitches and hoes, jewelry, cribs, cars and cash start to burn a hole in their souls? And, more importantly, will it shake the new black movement into transforming themselves from selfish to selfless? And then will they step up to the mic and begin to have a positive effect on our culture? Get involved in the non-profit sector and start the rap of philanthropy? — much like their white, millionaire counterparts are doing in the Silicon Valley, who have set up new foundations, philanthropic organizations and donor circles.

Many critics, from both within and without the black community, have already posed this question to them. And we all wait to see if the School of Hip-hop, or: the School of Hard Knocks, as it has been called, will graduate.

Frantz Fanon, who wrote about colonization in the mid-20th Century, said: “Each generation must discover its mission, fulfill it, or betray it.”

Half a century ago, a generation of blacks determined their mission was to tear down the walls of legally sanctioned segregation in the South. They were completely successful, and, a very important point: they went about their mission in a non-violent way — not with their Uzi’s and language and misogyny a-blazin’.

Yes, there are several hip-hop acts bustin’ out the positivity, among them: The Roots, The Nappy Roots, Black-Eyed Peas, Blackalicious, Blackstar, Nas, Jurassic Five, the Watusi Tribe and others. But when the examples most rappers set lies in a lifestyle of excess, that does nothing but perpetuate the bullshit behind the myth of the American Dream, that people should do whatever they have to do to get ahead. Ya know, “get rich or die tryin’.”

But that’s a negative road for any kid to freestyle down. Because what happens when they drop out of school, to follow in the footsteps of their heroes, and never even get to taste one morsel of that dream? Yet more anger festers and they look to exact their revenge.

Yes, black folk have been held down for years, but that can no longer be an excuse to perpetuate the violence, oppression and prejudice that was practiced on them. It’s time they stop boasting about what they have, and use their position to help empower those that have not. Yes, you can!

It’s that time of year again – the holidays upon us. And you know what that means: Deck the halls with family dysfunction.

Now, we’re no Dr. Phil, but we don’t think we’re exaggerating when we say that every family has their, um, shall we say, quirks.

Some may be minor – you know, like the Brady Family’s “it’s always Marcia, Marcia, Marcia” – and some may be of bloodbath Greek tragedy proportions and make an episode of COPS. But whatever the joy of your particular clan, TGR is here to go deep and help make that festive time of year, well, more festive.

With a little thought before going in to this year’s family gathering, you can save yourself major frustration and disappointment – and possibly the embarrassment of explaining to your uncle how you got your first cousin pregnant, and then going on the Dr. Phil Show.

The first step in avoiding the shame/pain is to begin thinking about where you fit in within your family dynamics.

Are you the youngest who gets picked on and blamed for everything? Are you the oldest who gets jealous because all the attention is showered upon your siblings? Are you the one who gets caught up in trying to play peacemaker between unruly family members? Does dad take his frustration out on you because he’s got endless mortgage payments and a shitty job and your life is rocking with a six-figure income and a bevy of supermodels?

These are all hypothetical scenarios, but they should put your thought process in motion and send you on your way to enlightenment and forgiveness (a major key here) sooner than you can say: Oprahsized.

Next, try to sort out how you feel when you’re provoked by these dynamics. Do they make you feel marginalized? Do you get sad? Do you feel enough anger to go all Chainsaw Massacre? Whichever it is, after discovering how you become affected, it’s time to make a pact with yourself: “I will not allow myself to be pulled into these negative emotions.” Repeat it. A lot.

The first step in overcoming anything negative, whether it be an addiction, or an uncomfortable sensation, is to recognize the particular habit, or feeling, as it’s happening. Once you know how you tend to be provoked, or why you do the crazy things you do, you can begin to head yourself off at the pass to the Bullshit Highway.

But you have to stay with it. It will take several occasions of wanting to go down the unhealthy road, and you catching yourself, before you begin to rewire your neurons and they start to choose a sunnier route.

And here’s the cool part: When you do reach the point where you don’t end up taking a left turn onto Dysfunctional Drive, and not allow the family road crew to put the orange cones out to steer you there, people’s power over your emotions will begin to dissipate. And voila: you’ll be the driver of your own vehicle – without the threat of being burned like Dale Earnhardt Jr.

At the same time you’re on alert for how others steer you in the wrong direction, you have to begin living by the universal mantra: “The only person I can change is myself.” And let’s repeat that…

Trying to alter anyone’s course is an utter waste of our resources that could be channeled into a more positive direction – say, making ourselves better people and having a more fulfilling life because of it. The idea is to lead by example, affect people through your behavior, not through your blame tactics.

Yes, we would all like the world to be a kinder, gentler place, and our families to stop pushing our buttons so often. But we have to understand, it’s us who allow people to push our buttons, not the other way around. We do have the power to just say NO.

And when someone does push our buttons, instead of going into reaction and lashing back at them, it’s time to call a T.O., take a few deep breathes, huddled in the bathroom, and ask ourselves: Why did we get upset and what is the lesson we are supposed to learn from it? i.e., How will getting in touch with that emotion help me grow as a person?

The Dalai Lama has a great saying: “Practice being kind, not right.” Try it sometime and witness how it defuses a disgruntled family member’s attack mode. We swear, they’ll come out looking like a proverbial deer in the headlights. Or, Mary-Kate and Ashley after they’ve been intravenously fed a big fat steak and potato dinner.

Hey, it’s a fact: we’re all a little bit crazy, a little bit rock n’ roll, and a lot scared. We fear, ultimately, because we are uncertain of the great mysteries surrounding death and WTF we’re doing here. And we tend to get caught up in dysfunctional behavior with our loved ones because we think that through control comes security. When in actuality, trying to control is something we do to compensate for not having the BIG ANSWERS. The ones we’ll never know until we see the light at the end of the tunnel, if we see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Maybe we’ll just see Dr. Phil standing there, wagging his finger in our face and exclaiming in his southern drawl: “Don’t you wish you would’ve grown up and took responsibility for your own happiness BEFORE you had to see me in hell?”