It’s good to be an American citizen with the weaponry at our country’s disposal (if it ever came to that).

Because we could not imagine the USA doing a damn thing against China if it came to hand-to-hand combat. Did you see those motherf….the moves? The precision? Bob Costas getting a woody? Simply spectacular (not you Bob. And especially not you Matt).

Our kudos to the host — and all their puppets. Let’s hope they continue to make art (and cheap products), not war.

P.S. If anyone attending the opening ceremony was high…wow, what a show. The only thing missing was the Twinkies. Unless you smuggled those in as well.

“Psst. Psst! You wanna buy some Twinkies, man? I’ll give you half price off on the seal penis if you do.”

Is Teddy Atlas retahded? Sorry, we meant: developmentally-brain-f-ing dead?

Who he sounds like:

Tony Soprano. Yup, Tony Soprano, Professional Boxing Analyst

Except we doubt Tony would cry foul as much as Teddy has at the Beijing Games. Yo! Ted! The scoring system is completely 100% fair and balanced. Just like FOX News. Here’s more on psycho Teddy.

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Can someone tell us why the hell we’re actually watching badminton right now? And, more importantly, why we’ll miss it when it’s over

Kaman: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Germany

Now can someone please explain how his idol is from Kazakhstan? Because we don’t think Kazakhstan is representing in hoops in this Olympics. But you know who would look good in a mankini…

FYI: In case you weren’t in on the loop, Kaman is currently playing for the German Olympic Team. And, if you’re really dense, that’s Kaman’s hero Borat in his locker. Teammates say they can’t shut Kaman up when it comes to a lousy Borat impression.

Earlier in this very blog, we started out with the assumption that USA Hoops would carry the day and win Gold easily. Then, after watching them semi-flail in their last two exhibition games, we kind of got cold feet.

Hey, we’re not ESPN reporters, we can actually admit we’re human and we make mistakes.

And, after witnessing Team USA so easily dispatch Spain (slanty-eyed, cheapshot pussies!), all we can say is: We’re not worthy! We made a huge mistake: you guys totally rule!

Why the change of heart?

1. Team USA has basically raised their intensity to a deafening level for their opponents. In fact, opponents probably feel like Gitmo prisoners did when they were tortured with 24/7 Yoko Ono music: ready to wave the white flag and admit anything their captors wanted them to.

For Team USA captives, and soon-to-be captives, that admission is: “Wow, you guys are really pounding our asses, please don’t take any more embarrassing pictures and post them on the Internet.”

2. Coach K was obviously listening to us when we suggested moving Jason Kidd to the bench, and a towel-waving position, and letting Chris Paul run the point. We also asked that the Big Three (Kobe, Melo, LBJ) step aside and let Dwyane Wade be the engine that gets the team revving. That’s actually happened, with one exception:

3. LeBron James. LBJ has seized on the opportunity to prove his brilliance, and gain even bigger worldwide ad revenue, rising up to carry his teammates on his — quite thick — shoulders. Kobe who?

Argentina is the only test lurking out there. And, we’re not about to go all flippity-flopping again, so, we’ll just say: USA wins Gold.

By 37. Naw, let’s stick with 23. Put your call into Vegas now.

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What happens when the Olympics are over and our addiction to badminton, seal penis and Teddy Atlas cannot be filled???

Is there a rehab center ready to handle this? Oh right, it’s called the Worldwide Blogosphere. Blah, blah, blah, blog.

Gold Medal Winner in Scumbagging: Jim Gray

Position: Top-notch sports interviewer.

Best move: Acting like a complete weasel when grown men basically are ready to kill themselves after failure.

Aspiration: To one day own his own ant farm so he can colonize with a species as spineless as himself.

Bravo: For your fine work, once again, in the Beijing boxing arena, Jim.

FYI: We’d pay good money to see you get clocked. In fact that would, most certainly, be “one world, one dream,” everyone wanting to see you get viciously mauled by a tiger cub, or a boxer, or a 7-11 clerk. Or whomever.

Remind us not to shed a tear at your obit.

Answer: Tony Kornheiser.

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Just try it: Doesn’t matter if you travel all day, or work hard all day. You come home to share Monday Night Football with your favorite catch, in the mood to relax, and the least soothing thing, in the world, to hear is Tony Kornheiser. This is a guy who should be down in Washington Square Park talking pinochle with the pigeons. They could serve him for supper on Thanksgiving.

Look! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a friggin’ basketball player jumping higher than both! Say hello to Slamball 2.0, the hybrid hoops sport that will have you “oohing and ahhing” well into the midnight hour.

In fact, we’re gonna say Slamball may be the best late night television ever. That is, if you’re loaded, and you just got in from a night out on the town, and you’re looking for something cool to do before drooling all over your pillow.

Creator of the sport Mason Gordon says that Slamball 2.0 (1.0 ran for two seasons, 2002-03) has “more incredible athletes, more big hits, bigger air, monster slams, and more creativity.” That’s a lot of more’s, sure, but it may just live up to the hype.

Think of the sport as a live-action videogame, with trampolines, that combines the best elements of basketball, football, hockey and gymnastics. Gordon says he put them all into a blender and hit the button.

Now, the question is, will viewing audiences play along at home and extend the sport beyond one season? Maybe even into the stratosphere: the Olympics one day? (Well, that’s how high Gordon is trying to jump).

You can judge for yourself beginning on Aug. 31 on the Versus Network. Championship viewing moves over to CBS on November 2.

Name talent involved includes coaches John Starks, Kenny Anderson, Rocket Ismail, and announcers Tom Tolbert and Amare Stoudemire. And a bunch of guys named “Hops.” Because that’s what you’re going to see, and lots of it. So, ready the launching pad, Slam Ball Man, and let’s see how high your game can fly.

For a preview:

Slamball Video 1
Slamball Video 2

Caution: America’s Greatest Screamer Gus Johnson is handling play-by-play, so you may want to keep that mute button real close.

Dear Brett:

Wow, what can we say? Other than: Welcome back, man! You’ve sure stepped in it. From farm boy to loony asylum in a few short months. Talk about your change of fortunes! You think those weeds gave you problems…

Fact is, at 68 years old, playing football for the Jets this season could be a little taxing on you. Not only are you on a perennially flailing team, but you’re standing across the locker room from the Super Bowl Champion New York Giants, and you’re in the city that never sleeps. If you’re not exactly sure what that means, because, on the farm, it’s lights out at 10 pm, it means New Yawkers have a lot of time on their hands to take down the ones they love. Or, used to love. At least, on the day they signed you. After that, it’s: honeymoon’s over, Soylent “No Longer Packer” Green time, what have you done for us lately?

What you’ve done for them lately is to cause the shipping out of the — once-believed — Golden Boy Chad Pennington, and reaffirmed Kellen Clemens’ spot on the bench. (BTW, we’re still not quite sure who he is.)

You see, it’s all about You now, Brett, no one else. Oh, sure, ten other guys get the privilege of lining up with you on offense. And another eleven get to fill the time between your snaps on defense. But trust us, they’re all an illusion, they don’t really exist.

That’s because, at 68, you have suddenly been anointed the Chosen One, the savior of the franchise. “From him springeth all of life eternal, and maybe a Lombardi trophy or two.” Seriously, the team, and city, has been waiting for you since, well…

Savior#1 Joe Namath departed for sunnier skies, and more fumbles in L.A.

That’s right, the rabid, and athletically-challenged, NYC media is already calling you the greatest name to take up a position in the city since Broadway Joe defined NYC Cool. Forget Ewing, Piazza, A-Rod, Giuliani…

That second to last name is worth repeating: A-Rod. He’s the one who makes more headlines bedding strippers and superstars than coming through in the clutch: October, and, this year: July/August. If you asked him how he sleeps every night, he would probably tell you, just fine, he reads the Kabbalah and accepts the great flow of the universe, and Madonna.

And since you won’t have the luxury of the Kabbalah, or Madonna, we have a few suggestions for making your life in the Big Apple a little easier.

1. Move to New Jersey

With the lack of respect that Jersians get, you should feel right at home after Week Three when Your team is 1-2 and you’re competing with Brady Croyle for the bottom of the QB ratings.

2. Repair your relationship with the Packer’s brass

So when you retire, again, at the end of the season, someone will still love you — and give you a fancy retirement ceremony to kick off 2009. At which time you’ll say you’re getting the itch, again. At which time they’ll direct you to your nearest YMCA flag football league.

3. Keep your subscription to Guns & Ammo Magazine

Because, with 10 million New Yawkers running around crazy, and calling for your head, you’re going to need a little extra protection. And we just don’t think the football pads and helmet, offensive line, and Axe deodorant will last that long.

Your Biggest Fans,
The Guy Report

P.S. If Soylent Green really is “people,” we wonder what yours would fetch on Broadway. We’re thinking a possible musical? The Swan Song? As long as it isn’t the Nutcracker. That would definitely be painful to watch, and, most certainly, put an end to the streak.

“Break a leg, old boy.”

I’m a jock. Always have been, always will. And like many jocks, I’ve suffered through my share of back problems. Well, what if I was to tell you that those recurrent back problems, and many other physical ailments, could all go away? On top of that — a brand new bod — you would meet lots of women and maybe even find your bliss in the process. “Sign me up, Jacques!”

The fact is, our lives are very often out of whack — our balance about as solid as what’s floating in Pamela Anderson’s breasts. Why? Because it’s easy getting dizzy within a society that always chides us to “Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!” without ever allowing us to stop and watch the Baywatch reruns. Or: taking the time to check in with our mind, body and spirit. Which, in a nutshell, is what yoga is all about : unifying these three elements through a series of physical exercises designed to center ourselves. Om.

I first got on the mat because of my own B & B problems (back & balance). I had hit a couple of life’s speed bumps, going too fast, and I needed something to slow myself down. I also wanted to strengthen my core, for the back support, because I play a lot of hoop. And it’s not something I wanted to undertake in a Los Angeles gym surrounded by wannabe fame-whores and future Governors of California.

For once, in terms of athletics, I didn’t want to compete with anybody. I just needed a safe environment in which to begin the complete overhaul on myself.

I was also getting to the age where I was outgrowing bars, and escort hotlines, as a means of meeting women.

Note: In the eight years since I’ve been practicing, I’ve met more quality babes than in eight years of clubbing. I’ve also learned more real things about the opposite sex — yes, they like to shop — than I ever did from the Hugh Hefner School of Bunny Worship.

Speaking of the rich and famous, hippity-hopping down the yogi’s trail, the list of famous practitioners is endless, from Sting to David Duchovny to former New York Mets’ Al Leiter. “They think people who do yoga are freaks who sit in a room and hum. But this is a great workout,” says Leiter.

The main impetus for athletes to practice is because yoga increases the range of motion, thereby limiting the risk of injury.

The word yoga itself is derived from one of the world’s oldest languages: Sanskrit. It’s believed the practice was developed thousands of years ago in India by Hindu priests . These ancient yogis based the development of their yogic rituals on the observation of animals. They noticed that the bodies of the animals were almost always in perfect unison: they ate when they were hungry, they slept when they were tired and they exhibited little fear or anxiety. (Sign me up, Jacques!)

In terms of our current maelstrom of fear and anxiety (thank you 911 and the Bush Administration!), yoga certainly can provide an escape from the incessant color-coded terrorist propaganda. It has also been proven to be an affective form of treatment for more serious issues, from lowering blood pressure to helping cure insomnia.

When starting out, no matter how studly you are, begin at Level 1. You may be strong enough to withstand the physicality of an advanced class, but you’ll be lost when it comes to structure, and you’ll end up looking like a fool. Remember: Before you learn to fly, you gotta have wings. That’s way profound, I know.

There are many types of classes, some far more credible than others. They span from the soon-to-be Starbucks of yoga, Bikram, to the more traditional Hatha, and onto bastardized forms like Disco Yoga or Karma Sutra Yoga. Or, see “Doga” in our Useless Stuff.

You’ll want to find a studio that offers a variety of classes so you can see what works best for you: some teachers may annoy you, some you may want to fall in love with, and still others may take you on a magical mystery tour.

Because yes, in many ways, yoga does become the drug of choice. Talk to me after your Savasana pose at the end of class. You can also ask me what the simple key to life is then.

I’ll tell you to find ways to chip away at your ego, and all the software that’s been infecting your system, so you can merge with your core energy — that essence you were born with, the place of perfect balance. Because it’s never too late to defrag your soul drive, and save your game in the process. Once again: Om.

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Recommended reading: The Politics of Clubbing

TGR: How is the pressure different in L.A. than Boston?

DL: It was a different type of pressure in Boston. But I think pressure comes if you’re not prepared.

TGR: Do you ever miss the American League?

DL: I’ll tell you what, I like National League baseball. It keeps you in the game. If you can actually hit it helps. You know, learn how to bunt. In the American League, especially playing with the Red Sox, it was like a softball league. We just tried to hit three-run homeruns every at-bat.

TGR: You get much heat from the fans in L.A.?

DL: The thing about it is, they can never, ever write anything, or say anything, like they did in Boston. I’ll tell you what, if you’ve never been booed, or had bad things said about you, then you go to a big market? It’s a culture shock. But when you’ve been a part of it. I mean, to have someone tell me that I suck? C’mon.

TGR: Get original, buddy.

DL: Yeah, “Lowe sucks,” all right, let’s move on.

TGR: When all those microphones are in your face, do you ever wanna just bitch-slap them away?

DL: I just get annoyed when people ask the same stupid question over and over again. You answer it, then they try to ask you another question, reverse it in a different direction to try to get you to say something, especially about teammates. That shit drives me crazy.

TGR: Let’s get back to the sucking. What changed between your 2001-2002 seasons?

DL: You can keep going, 2003 and onward and upward. Actually, you’re talking about 2001 when I was a reliever?

TGR: Yeah. Why did they convert you back to a starter?

DL: Because I sucked. Honest to God. I pitched so poorly in the first two months they went and got Ugi Urbina. And then, Joe Kerrigan was the manager and I asked him if I could get back to starting. Then I worked my tail off in the off-season, you know, gained 25 pounds, of the good weight.

TGR: The good weight?

DL: The right way. I’ve never failed one of those things. And then, yeah, I wanted to get back to starting. Why did I have success that year? Shit, I have no idea.

TGR: All right. Good weight?

DL: Yeah, the steroid tests. Never failed one.

TGR: Congratulations. Hopefully you’ll keep that record perfect.

DL: That’s my goal.

TGR: Do you get extremely bored between starts?

DL: Extremely. I golf a lot. You know what, it depends on how you’re pitching. If you’re pitching great, the four days in between, you’re having a great time. If you’re pitching like shit…

TGR: You can’t wait to get back out there and crack it.

DL: Yeah. When you’re pitching terrible, for four days, you’re miserable, you’re trying to fix what you’ve been doing wrong. But when you’re going good, the four days in between, you’re on cloud nine. A lot of it depends on your teammates. If you’re on a good team, you never get bored.

TGR: What kind of stuff do you do to keep it light?

DL: Just make a lot of jokes. You can’t have an uptight clubhouse. Like I said, I’m very laid back, care-free, goofy guy, so I try to…you know, I don’t do practical jokes on people, because they get pissed-off, but I just do stupid shit throughout the day, to lighten up the mood. I mean, you’re here seven, or eight, hours a day, you can’t be all tense and serious.

TGR: Talk to me about the Zone?

DL: The Zone. When you get locked in…

TGR: When you get locked in.

DL: The Zone….The biggest thing that I’ve ever been taught is your preparation. You work your tail off for four days in between, you study your opponent, you get the right amount of sleep. And that day, your mind is free, so you can kinda get locked in on what your agenda is. If you kind of half-ass your workouts, and you don’t prepare, when you get out there, the last thing you’re thinking about is pitching. You know, you have all kinds of negative thoughts. But the feeling, the Zone, you don’t notice anything, you know what I mean? You don’t notice the fans, you don’t notice what people are saying. When you look back you probably don’t even remember a lot of at-bats, because you’re just so focused. And then when you’re going bad, you know what people look like in the tenth row, what they’ve been saying about ya, what song they played in the third inning. Your mind is completely off from what you’re supposed to be thinking about.

TGR: Do you listen to music before your games?

DL: Yeah. Techno.

TGR: Techno?

DL: Yeah, I listen to country off the field, and then techno…Techno before the game gets the boys all excited.

TGR: What do you think of Tommy Lasorda?

DL: He talks a lot.

TGR: We knew that.

DL: He’s passionate about the Dodgers.

TGR: Does this generation of players listen to him?

DL: Um….

TGR: (Laughter)

DL: This generation of players is completely different. They understand kind of what happened before. But I think the majority of people, don’t really care.

TGR: That’s sad, isn’t it?

DL: It is. It’s kind of the Just-Worry-About-Yourself Generation. You know what I mean? It’s just a different game. People are getting in the major leagues younger, they’re getting paid a lot of money earlier…I don’t know if it’s changed for the better though.

TGR: What do you think of owner Frank McCourt?

DL: You’re asking me? Dude, he gave me a four-year deal at $36 million. He’s the best owner in all of baseball.

TGR: At least for the next year or so.

DL: Exactly.

TGR: What about the latest report that Major League pitchers are out of shape?

DL: Who we talking about? Are there any individuals?

TGR: No. But they did some study, and I think they were talking smack about 50% of the pitchers.

DL: What was the testing?

TGR: I don’t even know.

DL: Drink beer and run two miles under ten minutes?

TGR: I think that was the one. Have you participated in it?

DL: You know what? I haven’t got asked yet.

TGR: All-time favorite baseball player?

DL: Alan Trammell, shortstop Detroit Tigers. I grew up watching him. Growing up in Michigan, me and Eminem.

TGR: Together, right?

DL: Together.

TGR: Rapping it down.

DL: You got it.

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Liked it? Then check out The Gospel of Zito.