Ah, man, you did it again: Too much liquor / karma dictates you will be sicker — and your body won’t be happy with you in the morn. Considering you can’t tell your own body to “take a hike, don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out,” here’s a morning-after primer guaranteed to help you ease your pain.
Think about this: achieving anything worthwhile in life is all about preparation. Why should it be any different for a night out on the town?
1. Eat! – Before You Drink & Be Merry
Is there any mystery why you see more girls stumbling for the vomitorium than the boys? Eat a nice starchy meal before you hit the town – force feed your girlfriend a rice cake if need be.
2. Water Boy
Playing the bar field dehydrates you. Therefore, before getting into the game, drown yourself in water, sport drinks and O.J. (Sure, you may have to excuse yourself to pee every five minutes, but your liver and kidneys will thank you in the morning.)
“It’s not whether you win or lose that counts, but how you play the game.”
Translated for the drinking set: Play the game to win and you may be the unlucky cat who ends up with his photos plastered all over the web. You know the ones, where you have shaving cream and graffiti all over your face and a dildo protruding from the forbidden zone.
1. Beware the Darkside, Luke
The darker the liquor (red wine, bourbon, scotch, brandy), the more it will corrupt, and the higher content of the evil chemical “congeners,” which occur naturally in all fermented drinks, it will contain.
2. Cheaper by the Dozen
Sure, you can get more bang for your buck with the cheap boos, but understand the cheaper you go: the higher poison content, called “tyramine.” Be especially aware of it in “discount” red wine.
3. Put Your d-Pod on Shuffle
Think about alternating in a non-alcoholic beverage every couple of rounds to keep you hydrated — water and fruit juice being your best options.
4. Moderation Police
Sure, we know this one is pretty futile to suggest but…consume no more than one drink every sixty minutes. Your liver breaks down alcohol at the rate of about one beer per hour. Fortune cookie say: Moderate the rate, be able to walk and talk in morning.
The night is almost over and you’ve got a choice: one more round (while prowling for leftover babe-age) or invest your money in something more practical.
1. Hey, Pizza Man!
Before heading home to pass out in your own, well, whatever, make friends with a slice of pizza. Cheese and carbs are a good source of amino acids. Food doesn’t absorb alcohol, but it will increase your metabolism and increase the speed by which your body deals with the toxins you just manufactured.
2. Trivia Pursuit
Share this with the gang when you’re slurping down that slice: The name of the No.1 evildoer (chemical) that wreaks havoc upon your body immediately after drinking is “acetaldehyde.”
Upon stumbling in your door, there are few things you need to be responsible for before you pass out on the couch watching your favorite South Park or Jessica Simpson clip.
1. Water Boy – Part Deus
Two or three glasses of water/sports drink immediately.
2. The After Cocktail
Swallow the following vitamins: high-potency B, 500 mg C, and a multi-vitamin.
3. Red Alert
DO NOT take aspirin. The headache hasn’t even gotten to town yet, and aspirin only aggravates the stomach, while Tylenol, when mixed with alcohol, has the potential to make your liver explode. Wouldn’t want to go there, huh?
4. To Worship or Not to Worship…
Lastly, drag yourself to the porcelain altar. Here’s where you have to make the big call. If you really think you’re going to be f*cked in the morning, pull the ripcord, i.e., stick your finger down your throat and let it fly. If you decide on not going to extremes, at least drain the hose, so you don’t wake up an hour later and have to navigate the P-train (your maid will thank you).
THE MORNING AFTER
This is when you arise and decide if World War III has struck or you’ll be able to function.
1. Water Boy – Part Tres
More water, orange or tomato juice and sport drinks. Beware the coffee. Caffeine is diuretic and can aggravate dehydration. If you must, add a few teaspoons of honey, as the potassium in the honey helps counter the effects of the alcohol and reduce your craving for the morning drink.
2. Five Alarm Fire Down Under
If the stomach still hurts, try something like Maalox and maybe a cup of peppermint tea. Banana shakes, with honey added, also do wonders. The milk acts to soothe your stomach, and re-hydrate your system, and the bananas are rich in electrolytes, magnesium and potassium, which are heavily drained during binge drinking.
3. Binge Drinking
A recent study found that 3 out of 5 college students engage in binge drinking, SO, if you’re a student, there’s a 3 in 5 chance that you should print this article out and tape it to the frig. And if your head still hurts, whip out an ice pack and give your cabeza 20 minutes of cold.
4. The Final Call
Proceed directly back to bed, or be adventurous and get out and sweat the toxins out of your system. That means: exercise. In which case, you’ll be ready for the coming night out on the town a lot quicker.
Recommended reading: The Fastest Way to Lose Weight