1. Bikes

Bike Capital of the World: 750,000 people, 600,000 bikes. Imagine the f-ing spokes! (BTW, the Dutch are the tallest people in the world.)

2. Dutch Women

She’s taller than you, dude, and she doesn’t give a shit what kind of car you drive. (American girls, take note!) She’s also seriously beautiful.

3. Outdoor Cafes

You need somewhere to sit to watch all the hotties on bikes go by! “Bi-cycle! Bi-cycle!”

4. Canals

Something deeply romantic about a canal. Get yourself a tall Dutch woman and a Heineken and you’re good to sing some Celine Dion — in Dutch, with subtitles!

5. Locals

When unlocals get lost (often!), the locals will always be there to give it their best shot. (And for 50 Euro…j/k)

6. Bacon

70% of the world’s bacon comes from Holland. Give me a “P”!

7. Museums

Per capita, the most museums of any city! Yes, even Sex & Weed Museums. “Wait, what museum were we going to again? And can we have sex there?”

8. Coffee Houses

Hint: Don’t let the word “coffee” fool you. When Howard Schultz figures this one out, he shall rule the free world.*

9. Parks

You’re going to need somewhere to trip, right? Where you don’t have to worry about Mr. Ranger bumming your scene out. (Because, most likely, Mr. Ranger is high, Boo-boo.)

10. Red Light District

Worth seeing, for the novelty, but only as a slight diversion (and the house “fucky-sucky,” if you’re into that kind of thing).

*The oldest coffeehouse is called Mellow Yellow (est. 1975), and it sits on a corner next to a school. The kids file by at recess, sweet, pungent smoke in the air. Big line at the ice cream shop next door. “Chocolate-Kush swirl, anyone?”

“I’ll take three!”