1. Don’t sit there all night wishing you could talk to her. Walk across the floor and offer to buy her a B.F.A.B. (Big Fat Ass Beer.) THAT is a f-ing Man. If you can’t do this within 5 minutes of seeing her, just go home, you’re wasting your time. Consult Spank-O-Vision.

2. Be respectful when you’re talking to her. Don’t talk about You. Find out stuff about Her. You know: what kind of shoes and purses she likes best, how many rice cakes she eats in a day, this kind of thing that women thrive off of.

3. If you’re in your “trying to get her to smile at me” mode and she won’t, move the f*ck on. If she’s not opening up, that means, shocker, she’s just not into opening up to you. Don’t let it bring you down, means nothing about you unless YOU allow it to. (Hint: that means: develop some spine/confidence, man!) *

4. Don’t keep drinking at the same watering hole expecting “the one” to walk in the door, then be upset when it’s 1:59 A.M. and she still hasn’t arrived. Move on, go to another joint. You can feel the vibe of a club the moment you happen upon the scene (or no scene). In other words, if it AIN’T HAPPENING, KEEP MOVIN’…And if the movement happens to take you closer to a slice of pizza than the next bar, by all means…

5. Don’t go out to a bar, or anywhere for that matter, “wanting” to hook-up! Say what? I know, I know, we’re ALL going to the bar WANTING to hook-up. But if you can PRETEND you’re not at the bar WANTING to hook-up…Ya know, aren’t your friends work stories hilarious?? Isn’t looking at the ESPN Ticker for the 31st time in the last five minutes fun!? Haha, you’re having a grand old time, and, shocker, it makes her curious: “Ya mean, oh my gosh, he could be happy without my cooch in his face?”

And therein lies the secret to dating, my friends: BE HAPPY! In fact, Don’t Worry, Be Happy. You’ll be amazed at how that simple philosophy attracts more cooch in the face than you ever dreamed of.

“Um, k, I know I dreamed of this moment, but now what?”

* Plenty of tips on this type of thing if you scour the Dating Archive.

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Substitute in the character of the GRIM REAPER in place of BUFORD T. JUSTICE. And, we all know the Bandit, who just made off with the goods again: his own!

Bandit: Sheriff, uh, Buford T. Justice, please.
Buford T. Justice: Who there?
Bandit: This is Bandit Darville talkin’.
Buford T. Justice: Where are you, you sombitch?
Bandit: Before I tell you where I am, Sheriff, there’s just one thing I wanna say. You must be part coon dog, ’cause I’ve been chased by the best of them, and son, you make ‘em look like they’re all runnin’ in slow motion. I just wanna say that.
Buford T. Justice: Well, thank you, Mr. Bandit. And as the pursuer, may I say you’re the goddamnedest pursuee I’ve ever pursued. Now that the mutual bullshit is over, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU SOMBITCH?

Bandit: Sheriff… do the letters F.O mean anything to you?

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“Let’s do it all again!”

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“Take me out to the park, beeotch, and just watch me work.”

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1. Truth

2. Devotion

3. Fun

4. Sex

5. Silence

OK, so that’s obvious, how about these ten!

1. Stop twirling your f-ing hair!

2. Stop whining about your boss/ex/father/WHATEVER! Just stop the f-ing whining!

3. A good haircut. Ya know, not the ones I have to look at and totally lie. Like when you go down to the local parlor and get The Aniston, because, well, every other f-ing woman in America got one too! It ain’t sexy! Well, maybe on Jennifer Aniston it is! (After she’s caught the clap from Vince Vaughn.)

4. Be original.

5. I’d say “bring your best friend home with you so I can bang her and you can watch,” but that ain’t too original, so gonna go with “teeth.” All four of them, please.

6. Guys Night out every night of the week. Don’t worry, we’ll “hook back up with you” around midnight, with just enough time left to let you give us a killer BJ and flip on Sportscenter. Don’t forget the Big Gulp.

7. Two breasts and a vagina — so there!

8. Buy us something just once? Yeah, we may make way more cash than you. Way. But that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t appreciate the fine gesture of you buying something for us. Ya know, like a loaf of French bread, or an incense holder, or: I dunno! You’re the romantic, creative species, YOU FIGURE IT OUT!

9. Time. Time to think of WTF I am doing with you, and HTF I can get out of the relationship, preferably with only one text message: Leaving u! u never swallowed.*

10. A break. We’re not always this blatantly sexist. You should catch us on a bad day!

* “Yes, ladies, this is a bad dad. And I’m a bad man. And, yes, it really does come down to this.”

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1. Tie her up.

2. Tie her mother up.

3. Promise to dress the part for Danny Zuko Saturday Night Fevers*.

4. Get a f_ing puppy.

5. Money.

6. Sorry, the best things in life ARE NOT FREE, once again, the answer is: M-O-N-E-Y.

7. Buy HER a puppy (but be careful! Someone might beat you out…If you hold the puppy, you hold the power. Never forget this! Put it on your wall if you have to. A license pl8 frame wouldn’t hurt either.)

8. Conversation.

9. If she won’t listen to conversation — mainly about the 48 ways you want to have sex with her — a roofie always works wonders. Then you can do WAY more than 48!

10. Humor her. That, along with money, the roofie, and massive Zukonian skills, usually does the trick.

P.S. Don’t forget to untie your future ex-mother-in-law!

* Yes, that was a compound movie reference above. Consider yourself a genius. Shouldn’t you be getting back to work? WTF?

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“Stressed out? Me??”

Roommate: “This beer bottle is actually a gun…”
Dude, what happened to my hash?
Siphoning Gone Bad
Dick With Chest Pains
At least he didn’t fly a plane into it!
“Do you take this woman to be-” “Wait a minute you f*cking bitch!”

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Breakdancer vs Hardwood Floor
“Mumby! Put down the wooden sword!”
Herpes bomb?
Today in Female Driving
Tiger, Meet The Lama

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Wait up! Did you try the PRO LEVEL? You can also EMBED (lower right corner!) on your Facebook page or blog…An one last pitch: Make sure to ask the President a question on the Magic Obama Ball — available soon on your Android phone.

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It’s been uttered by a gazillion women in a gazillion different languages, “Guys only want one thing!” Here’s my reply to the gazillion women (I wished I had loved before): “Well, yeah!”

This quote from sci-fi writer Cory Doctorow, in the book Free by Chris Anderson, makes me realize guys aren’t a lot different from, well, in this case, (sorry, guys, I know they’re not too macho) dandelions. WTF? Drumroll, please:

“The disposition of each–or even most–of the seeds isn’t the important thing, from a dandelion’s point of view. The important thing is that every spring, every crack in every pavement is filled with dandelions. The dandelion doesn’t want to nurse a single precious copy of itself in hopes that it will leave the nest and carefully navigate its way to the optimum growing environment, there to perpetuate the line. The dandelion just wants to be sure that every single opportunity for reproduction is exploited!”

Trust me, a guy’s instinct is no different, we just put clothes over it and call it human.*

* Ladies, believe it or not, in your own precious way, you’re not part of the problem, you’re part of the solution. Now get with the program! We’ll need to get out and stretch our Inner Dandelion a little more often.

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