How to Get Laid: Lesson 1

Posted by Mr. Guy April - 3 - 2011 - Sunday ADD COMMENTS


We all need to get laid, it’s in our nature. So here’s the first installment in a continuing series of advice, stories and anecdotes that will help you grow your game.

Lesson 1:

You need to learn how to, first,  finesse a woman with your ways of the world, and, second, set about your plans to conquer her in the bedroom. And, while we’ll never truly be able to stop plotting and fantasizing about the Big Bonedown, this order shouldn’t be reversed.

Your focus, early on in the game (18-30) should be to: develop your ways of the world. Take time for this crucial aspect in shaping the overall you, and you’ll easily lap your male opponents in the long run. In fact, you’ll have so much p*ssy at your door that you’ll be inviting your neighbors over for “sloppy seconds,” and thirds. Fourths, anyone?

What the hell are “ways of the world”? Pretty much everything that is going to give you dimension and versatility and make you an MVP in, not only the game of p*ssy, but, the game of life (which, you’ll find, when you get a little older, is a far bigger stage).

Your game should consist of:

  • Knowledge – About more than her bra size, and how to accumulate more fake friends on Twitter. Learn things, man!
  • Physicality – Get it in f*cking shape. Stop waiting until tomorrow. Stop eating like sh*t. If you look good, you’re going to feel good, and so will she, about you. Here’s our article about how to trim weight fast.
  • Culture – You gotta go deeper than American Idol and the Spike Channel. Talking indie films and music, history of Midget Art in the 20th Century, this kind of thing. No! Not Midget Art (though there’s nothing wrong with it!), but culture, man, get out and read some cool publications and get turned on to it! Nerdy, smart chicks are the BEST in bed.
  • Talent – What do you do? No. What do you do? Do you do anything besides what it is that you do? If you don’t, you need to start doing. Take the sailing class, learn the extra language, climb the highest peak, live for something other than her…well, you know, p*ssy.

BTW, I highly recommend you learn how to play an instrument, guitar  would be a good start.  It’s worked well for me! It’s the “sensitivity” thing that they really go in for. And, yeah, “sensitivity” works well to get laid, but it only goes so far. You’ll still need to learn HOW to f*ck the sh*t out of them after you’ve made them cry.

Upcoming: How to Get Laid: Lesson 2 “What She Really Wants in Bed.” Hint: It’s not a pet monkey and some Cheetos.


Pussy: “Um, you sure you want to put that Cheeto up my bum?”

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Hotel Manager Busts Pothead

Posted by Mr. Guy December - 30 - 2010 - Thursday ADD COMMENTS

I had checked in for my Christmas vacation stay about ten minutes previous to getting this message on the hotel phone…


In the end, I gave her a bud and I think she had the best holiday of her lifetime, evidenced by the big grin on her face the next time I saw her — as she was following a trail of Peanut M & M’s around the hotel singing Puff the Magic Dragon.

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Morning Head

Posted by Mr. Guy September - 11 - 2010 - Saturday ADD COMMENTS


Lying in bed this morning watching USA hoops team, game finally put out of reach by Kevin Durant (the rest of you guys suck!), and I get this from my overnight playmate: “I’m going to give you morning head.”

Well, how do you respond to that?

“Um, ok.” “Sure.” “If you must.”

Could there be a better way to start a Saturday morning? Before moving on to the awesome sports day yet to come: total convergence! Baseball, Basketball, Football, Tennis. Are you f-ing kidding me? Every day should be like today. Sports and bj’s, can’t beat ‘em.

- Guy “Back in the Saddle” Rapport.

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Horny Men’s Club

Posted by Mr. Guy May - 12 - 2010 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS

Check out Guy’s new Kindle edition novel. For only 99 cents, trust us, you can’t go wrong.


“Not thirty seconds inside the door and Nicky has got my pants around my ankles and is giving me head while she sings ‘On the Good Ship Lollipop.’ She’s actually f*cking singing.”

Welcome to the world of Zack Brown, heartbroken wanker and lifetime member of the Horny Men’s Club. He’d like to change all that. He’d like to NOT be a heartbroken wanker, and resist his urge to be a leg-humping, “serial f*cker” for the rest of his life because one friggin woman put the vise-grip on his achy-breaky heart.

But this ain’t no country song. This is the Horny Men’s Club, a tale of love and lust (but mainly lust) set against a backdrop of Hollywood Movers & Shakers. Which basically means: posers. Everyone is fair game in this hilarious farce that would make even the girls from Sex in the City blush. Lollipop, anyone?

Author Guy Rapport has been published in over 40 publications including Playboy, ESPN, L.A. Times, Los Angeles Magazine, L.A. Weekly, and several porn magazines Not To Be Named Later.

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5 Tips For Hooking Up At The Bar

Posted by Mr. Guy March - 5 - 2010 - Friday 1 COMMENT


1. Don’t sit there all night wishing you could talk to her. Walk across the floor and offer to buy her a B.F.A.B. (Big Fat Ass Beer.) THAT is a f-ing Man. If you can’t do this within 5 minutes of seeing her, just go home, you’re wasting your time. Consult Spank-O-Vision.

2. Be respectful when you’re talking to her. Don’t talk about You. Find out stuff about Her. You know: what kind of shoes and purses she likes best, how many rice cakes she eats in a day, this kind of thing that women thrive off of.

3. If you’re in your “trying to get her to smile at me” mode and she won’t, move the f*ck on. If she’s not opening up, that means, shocker, she’s just not into opening up to you. Don’t let it bring you down, means nothing about you unless YOU allow it to. (Hint: that means: develop some spine/confidence, man!) *

4. Don’t keep drinking at the same watering hole expecting “the one” to walk in the door, then be upset when it’s 1:59 A.M. and she still hasn’t arrived. Move on, go to another joint. You can feel the vibe of a club the moment you happen upon the scene (or no scene). In other words, if it AIN’T HAPPENING, KEEP MOVIN’…And if the movement happens to take you closer to a slice of pizza than the next bar, by all means…

5. Don’t go out to a bar, or anywhere for that matter, “wanting” to hook-up! Say what? I know, I know, we’re ALL going to the bar WANTING to hook-up. But if you can PRETEND you’re not at the bar WANTING to hook-up…Ya know, aren’t your friends work stories hilarious?? Isn’t looking at the ESPN Ticker for the 31st time in the last five minutes fun!? Haha, you’re having a grand old time, and, shocker, it makes her curious: “Ya mean, oh my gosh, he could be happy without my cooch in his face?”

And therein lies the secret to dating, my friends: BE HAPPY! In fact, Don’t Worry, Be Happy. You’ll be amazed at how that simple philosophy attracts more cooch in the face than you ever dreamed of.


“Um, k, I know I dreamed of this moment, but now what?”

* Plenty of tips on this type of thing if you scour the Dating Archive.

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Guy of the Week: Burt Reynolds

Posted by Mr. Guy March - 4 - 2010 - Thursday ADD COMMENTS

Substitute in the character of the GRIM REAPER in place of BUFORD T. JUSTICE. And, we all know the Bandit, who just made off with the goods again: his own!

Bandit: Sheriff, uh, Buford T. Justice, please.
Buford T. Justice: Who there?
Bandit: This is Bandit Darville talkin’.
Buford T. Justice: Where are you, you sombitch?
Bandit: Before I tell you where I am, Sheriff, there’s just one thing I wanna say. You must be part coon dog, ’cause I’ve been chased by the best of them, and son, you make ‘em look like they’re all runnin’ in slow motion. I just wanna say that.
Buford T. Justice: Well, thank you, Mr. Bandit. And as the pursuer, may I say you’re the goddamnedest pursuee I’ve ever pursued. Now that the mutual bullshit is over, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU SOMBITCH?


Bandit: Sheriff… do the letters F.O mean anything to you?


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Thank God It’s Friday

Posted by Mr. Guy February - 26 - 2010 - Friday ADD COMMENTS


“Let’s do it all again!”

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Chick Magnet

Posted by Mr. Guy February - 25 - 2010 - Thursday ADD COMMENTS

“Take me out to the park, beeotch, and just watch me work.”

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5 Things Guys Want From a Woman

Posted by Mr. Guy February - 24 - 2010 - Wednesday ADD COMMENTS


1. Truth

2. Devotion

3. Fun

4. Sex

5. Silence

OK, so that’s obvious, how about these ten!

1. Stop twirling your f-ing hair!

2. Stop whining about your boss/ex/father/WHATEVER! Just stop the f-ing whining!

3. A good haircut. Ya know, not the ones I have to look at and totally lie. Like when you go down to the local parlor and get The Aniston, because, well, every other f-ing woman in America got one too! It ain’t sexy! Well, maybe on Jennifer Aniston it is! (After she’s caught the clap from Vince Vaughn.)

4. Be original.

5. I’d say “bring your best friend home with you so I can bang her and you can watch,” but that ain’t too original, so gonna go with “teeth.” All four of them, please.

6. Guys Night out every night of the week. Don’t worry, we’ll “hook back up with you” around midnight, with just enough time left to let you give us a killer BJ and flip on Sportscenter. Don’t forget the Big Gulp.

7. Two breasts and a vagina — so there!

8. Buy us something just once? Yeah, we may make way more cash than you. Way. But that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t appreciate the fine gesture of you buying something for us. Ya know, like a loaf of French bread, or an incense holder, or: I dunno! You’re the romantic, creative species, YOU FIGURE IT OUT!

9. Time. Time to think of WTF I am doing with you, and HTF I can get out of the relationship, preferably with only one text message: Leaving u! u never swallowed.*

10. A break. We’re not always this blatantly sexist. You should catch us on a bad day!


* “Yes, ladies, this is a bad dad. And I’m a bad man. And, yes, it really does come down to this.”

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10 Ways to Get a Girl

Posted by Mr. Guy February - 23 - 2010 - Tuesday ADD COMMENTS


1. Tie her up.

2. Tie her mother up.

3. Promise to dress the part for Danny Zuko Saturday Night Fevers*.

4. Get a f_ing puppy.

5. Money.

6. Sorry, the best things in life ARE NOT FREE, once again, the answer is: M-O-N-E-Y.

7. Buy HER a puppy (but be careful! Someone might beat you out…If you hold the puppy, you hold the power. Never forget this! Put it on your wall if you have to. A license pl8 frame wouldn’t hurt either.)

8. Conversation.

9. If she won’t listen to conversation — mainly about the 48 ways you want to have sex with her — a roofie always works wonders. Then you can do WAY more than 48!

10. Humor her. That, along with money, the roofie, and massive Zukonian skills, usually does the trick.

P.S. Don’t forget to untie your future ex-mother-in-law!


* Yes, that was a compound movie reference above. Consider yourself a genius. Shouldn’t you be getting back to work? WTF?

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